It B Like That

[DISCLAIMER]

King C (sixth grade) 

In the late ‘80s, halfway through my fifth grade year, I moved from Amarillo, Texas to Aurora, Colorado. At that time, I was frequently assaulted and battered by a group of Crips at Crawford Elementary School during recess and when school let out. It was a challenging time for me.

By the time I attended West Middle School in sixth grade, the same Crips who bullied me became my friends. Often, I’d walk to school with a number of them. One in particular, to whom I’ll refer as “King C,” taught me a new phrase on a morning after which he finished shoplifting.

Exiting the store where King C stole candy that was intended for sale to other kids, a houseless man asked my group of friends for spare change. King C walked over to the man, pretended as though he was retrieving money from his pocket, and extended his closed fist to the individual.

King C then gave the man a dap and said when laughing, “Sometimes it be like that!” This was during a time when Crips west of California hadn’t caught on to replacement of the letter ‘B’ (or associated phrases) as a show of disrespect to Bloods (e.g., sometimes it C like that).

Walking away from the houseless man, I asked King C what the phrase meant. “Eh, cuz,” he replied, “it means that shit happens. I didn’t make that dude beg. We all poor out here, but you don’t see me beggin’. I went in the store and took what I wanted. It be like that!”

I recall kids at school receiving moderate beatings for begging, as it was apparently deemed worse than stealing. Not long after learning the phrase, I associated it with biblical teaching of Romans 5:3-5. Essentially, suffering is viewed as a catalyst for growth and development.

Eventually, the phrase taught to me by King C was reverberated in rap. As an example, on the 2022 album Herbert, by Ab-Soul, there’s a track entitled “It Be Like That” which features SiR. The chorus states:

I messed up, but it be like that

I missed out, but it be like that (I missed out, but it be like that)

Like, why they had to do me like that?

Man, it wasn’t ‘posed to be like that

It be like that

I had doubts, but it be like that

I’m assed out, but it be like that (I’m assed out, but it be like that)

Lord knows it’s been like that

But it don’t gotta end like that

When viewing these lyrics through the lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I reflect upon the challenging time during which I was oft-jumped by Crips in fifth grade. In particular, I consider how I disturbed myself, as well as how I could’ve un-disturbed myself.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and one Believes an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s one’s unfavorable assumption, and not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as the process of self-disturbance.

As an example, King C and his fellow gangbangers beat me to the ground and stomped on me after school (Action). I then Believed, “This is awful and I can’t stand it! Lowlifes like the Crips shouldn’t bully people who aren’t even in a gang!” I was then sad (Consequence).

While it’s true that students were prohibited from battering one another, rules mean very little to those who frequently disregard such direction. All the same, there wasn’t an Action-Consequence (A-C) connection that caused the sorrow I experienced in fifth grade.

Alternatively, my self-disturbance was the result of a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.

This is where the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering comes into play. It’s accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.

Applying the admittedly crass phrase King C later taught me, I could’ve used Disputation with UA in order to have un-disturbed myself through use of an Effective new belief. For instance, I could’ve told myself, “Although I don’t prefer to be treated poorly, sometimes it be like that.”

Perhaps you reject this approach to rational living. Maybe you maintain that the Stoic perspective I’m advocating herein somewhat advocates bullying. After all, you rigidly conclude that if one doesn’t condemn assault and battery, then one condones it.

Allow me to be crude for a moment. I got my ass beat by the Crips at Crawford! That was challenging enough as it was. What utility would there have been to add insult to injury by further believing that I shouldn’t have been assaulted and battered when I so evidently was?

Taking personal responsibility and accountability for my reaction to those ass whoopings is how I could’ve un-disturbed myself. Again, there was no A-C connection regarding the sorrow I experienced. That was the result of a B-C connection. In this way, it B like that!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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