Let Go Without Attachment

[DISCLAIMER]

When stationed aboard Camp Kinser in Okinawa, Japan while serving in the military (1997-1999), I participated in meritorious promotion boards (formal, competitive processes used to identify, evaluate, and promote exceptionally qualified enlisted Marines ahead of their peers).

The last such event that I attended was aboard Marine Corps Base Camp Smedley D. Butler. I was a lance corporal (E-3), competing against other Marines of similar (though not equal) stature. Each Marine was assessed on superior performance, leadership, and knowledge.

I’d studied Marine Corps history, standards, procedures, and other information. As well, I’d prepared my uniform to virtually impeccable expectations. Also, senior Marines at Kinser quizzed me about various facets of board dealings which I’d likely experience at Butler.

Additionally, it was generally understood that candidates who attended numerous boards displayed adequate determination enough to warrant a promotion to the rank of corporal (E-4)—a noncommissioned officer (NCO), which carried a certain prestige in the Corps.

I performed well on a physical fitness test, performed exceptionally during my uniform inspection, and managed to correctly answer many of the questions about obscure Marine Corps knowledge when evaluated by the board panel members. I was confident regarding my actions.

After each Marine was finished with the process, a staff sergeant (E-6) contacted me behind the Provost Marshal Office in which the board was convened. “Look, devil dog,” he said to me, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, though you’re who they’re [board members] leaning toward.”

I then returned to Kinser, switched uniforms, donned my military police (MP) gear, and was contacted by my sergeant (E-5). “Hey, devil dog,” he gleefully stated, “I just received word that you’re soon to be a corporal. Outstanding!” I was ecstatic, as I then went on to patrol Kinser.

While performing my MP duties, I was contacted via two-way radio by dispatch, “10-21 [call by telephone], at your earliest convenience.” I called and immediately self-disturbed to anger, sorrow, disgust, and disbelief from irrational beliefs about what I was told.

“Hey, Marine,” my sergeant stated, as the affectionate term ‘devil dog’ wasn’t used, “I have some bad news. It looks like [female Marine X] is getting the promotion.” How could that have been? I observed her performance, and she was nowhere near my level of presentation.

I voiced my concern, as my sergeant replied, “She’s been fucking some married gunny [gunnery sergeant, E-7] on Hansen, and she’s threatening to press the matter [of fraternization and adultery] if they don’t award her the promotion.” I then used even more unhelpful beliefs.

“I’m sorry,” my sergeant concluded, “because we all know you won that board. I advise you not to let this deter you from marching forward; yet, I wouldn’t fault you for telling them to go fuck themselves for shafting you—by no longer participating.” That was the last board I attended.

Butler MP leadership could go fuck themselves, for all I was concerned. My resolve concerning the undesirable situation wasn’t entirely helpful, as meritorious promotions boards continued without me. Still, I learned an invaluable lesson of which I’m reminded as I read a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote ancient Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius who stated, “Receive without pride, let go without attachment” (page 226). I could’ve benefited from such wisdom when I was a junior Marine.

Letting go without attachment regards helpfully releasing one’s own unfavorable emotional grip on people, places, things, or outcomes, allowing them to exist or pass without possessing them to satisfy one’s own desires. It’s the practice of unconditional acceptance by un-disturbing oneself.

Sometimes in life, people are hoisted to unearned positions of privilege. Occasionally, you or I may have earned accolades which were thereafter stripped from us and then given to such people. Regarding this occurrence, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 226):

In the midst of the breakdown of the Roman Republic, during the civil war between Pompey and Caesar, Pompey made the decision to give control of the military fleet to Cato. It was a massive honor and hugely powerful position. But then a few days later, responding to the protests of his jealous inner circle, Pompey reversed his decision and took the command away.

It could have been seen as an enormous public humiliation—to be given a promotion and then have it taken away. The record shows that Cato’s reaction was basically nothing. He responded to the honor and the dishonor the same way: with indifference and acceptance. He certainly didn’t let it affect his support for the cause. In fact, after the snub, he worked to rally the soldiers before battle with inspirational speeches—the very men who should have been under his command.

Similar to Cato, I preferably should have received a military promotion. Female Marine X didn’t run as fast as I, she couldn’t perform as many crunches, and she wasn’t even capable of performing a single chin- or pull-up. Likewise, her Marine Corps knowledge was lacking.

Nevertheless, she protested the board and was granted promotion. Too bad for me! The female MP who thereafter assumed an authoritative role over me, simply because she sucked and fucked her way through the ranks, was given an advantage. There was nothing I could do about it!

Rather, I could’ve controlled my reaction to the displeasing circumstance. Had I the wisdom of Aurelius and Cato, then I would’ve let go without attachment while responding with indifference and acceptance. Of this perspective, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 226):

That’s what Marcus is saying. Do not take the slights of the day personally—or the exciting rewards and recognitions either, especially when duty has assigned you an important cause. Trivial details like the rise and fall of your position say nothing about you as a person. Only your behavior—as Cato’s did—will.

In the end, I’m grateful to have had the scales from my eyes torn away when attending a board in Butler. Thereafter, I was no longer subject to the illusion of equality or meritocracy. Now, I acknowledge how my reaction to the unpleasant event could’ve benefited from Stoic practice.

Unable to alter the past, I make personal note of the historical matter so that I can apply a useful psychoeducational lesson to future events of an unfavorable variety. Similarly, I present this Stoic lesson to you. May it serve you well! Let go without attachment. Oorah!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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