Too Bad

[DISCLAIMER]

Too Bad

On the 2024 EP She., rapper ARDN featured the track “Too Bad” in which he stated, “Too bad I… too bad, I know. Too bad I know. Too bad, I gotta get going. She too bad, I know. Too bad, I know. Too bad, I gotta get going.” Considering the cited lyrics, definitions may be helpful.

The phrase “too bad” may be used to show that one is sorry or feels bad about something. For example, when departing from a location in which his romantic partner lives, ARDN says “too bad, I gotta go,” making use of a derivative form of demandingness (i.e., too bad, I should go).

Also, the phrase “too bad” can be used to ameliorate (to make better or more tolerable) the word “bad” (failing to reach an acceptable standard). For instance, when referring to his intimate partner, ARDN says “she[’s] too bad,” meaning that she’s actually quite acceptable to him.

Additionally, the phrase “too bad” may be used in an ironic way to show that one is not sorry or does not feel bad about something. As an example, if I told ARDN that I don’t like how he referred to his romantic partner as being “bad,” the rapper may flippantly respond, “Too bad!”

Regarding each of the definitions representing these “too bad” phrases, I now turn to the psychotherapeutic modality that I practice in my personal and professional life, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), which was developed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis.

REBT

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Second, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Ellis’s Perspective

I appreciate Ellis’s perspective on his personal and professional use of UA. For context, one source which serves as a compilation of interviews from the late psychologist states of Ellis’s preference versus expectation point of view (pages 32-33):

[I]f you really were a preferencer and only said, “I’d like to do well, but I never have to and it would be lovely if you treated me nobly and kindly, but obviously you don’t have to, too bad,” then it would be very hard for anybody to be neurotic.

They’d still have severe personality disorders, which are largely biological, and still be psychotic, but neurosis—mainly, not completely—stems from the biological tendency of humans to take their goals, desires and preferences—which are very good, you couldn’t survive without desires and feeling—and make them into dire necessity.

And we’d better face it and that’s why REBT is so efficient. I can immediately get to those musts and start showing people that they have them and what to do about them.

Regarding a “too bad” perspective, Ellis’s method of un-disturbing acknowledges how little control and influence one has in an impermanent and uncertain life. As an individual can control only one’s own reaction to undesirable events, then saying “too bad” becomes empowering.

Something doesn’t go my way? Too bad! Personally, that’s preferable to the dis-empowering outlook that I, other people, and life in general must obey my inflexible commands. Expanding upon this perspective, Ellis states (page 41):

[O]ther people before me, philosophers, have said, “you have stupid, nutty ideas.” And I said so right at the beginning in 1955, then a little later, I realized that there are hundreds, but they’re all under these three headings. “I have to do well or I’m no good,” “you must treat me nobly and kindly or you should roast in hell for eternity,” and “conditions must be the way I really want them—it’s horrible and I can’t stand it.”

Now you go show me any neurotic belief that isn’t under one or two or all three of those headings. I never found one yet and I defy you to find one. Because take a preference sentence: “I wish very much that I did well, but I never have to, too bad if I don’t.” Now how can you get upset if you really, really, believe that?

For my part, I wish most of my desires were fulfilled. However, they aren’t. Too bad! That’s life! One of the things I most appreciate about Ellis’s approach to REBT is how candid he was. As an example, when asked how REBT personally benefited him, Ellis states (page 49):

[I]t’s helping me because if I screw up, fuck it, so I screw up. It’s too bad that I did the bad thing, screw up, but I’m not a worm, I’m not a louse, I give myself what we call USA—Unconditional Self-Acceptance, just because I’m alive and human, for no other reason.

So therefore, if you don’t like me, I don’t like that—I’d like you to like me—but if you don’t who really cares? What’s going to happen to me? Nothing.

In this cited example, Ellis differentiates between being bad and doing bad. From a UA outlook, people aren’t their beliefs or behavior. Therefore, if I do a bad thing, then this doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person. I simply fucked up. Too bad! Moving forward, I’ll try to do better.

This is a radical notion to how many people conceptualize matters, as they’ve been conditioned to think condemningly. Often, individuals are taught that they are their actions (e.g., one who commits murder is a murder). Regarding this matter, Ellis states (page 52):

[Y]ou live in a social group and murder is wrong, and that will get you into jail, trouble, etc. So you follow the rules generally of the social group that you live in, so again you’d say: “I made a mistake, I preferably should not have murdered that person, it was wrong, but I absolutely did it, too bad. I am not a worm or a louse or a loser; I’m a fallible, screwed-up human who made a mistake this time. Now let me learn from it and next time I’ll make fewer mistakes.”

When presenting this healthy perspective to people in my personal and professional life, you may be surprised to discover how many of them outright reject UA of this sort. It’s as if they genuinely believe that people who make some types of mistakes are “too bad” for redemption.

When attempting to reframe this unhealthy view by separating the person from the action, I receive illogical or unreasonable arguments supporting irrational beliefs. It’s a laborious affair! In any case, Ellis used a “too bad” narrative about his (then) pending death by stating (page 56):

I’m also diabetic, have been diabetic for 46 years, etc. That again is unfortunate. I don’t like it, it’s a pain in the ass, but it’s not horrible, it’s not awful; it’s too bad that that’s the way it is, so I adjust to it and live with it.

I don’t like my aging process, I certainly don’t like my diabetes, I have several other minor ailments, not serious and I don’t like them. But I live as happily as I can live with these ailments, and therefore I don’t worry about them. I could drop dead tomorrow.

I, too, could meet my end before too long. It very well could be tomorrow. If so, too bad! Tough shit! I’ve lived well enough since having been ready, willing, and able to take control over the only matter in life that I can actually change: my reaction to events. Can you say the same?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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