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Making Misfortune Heavier by Complaining About It

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • 11 hours ago
  • 6 min read

 

When in elementary school, I visited a Chinese food restaurant in Bomb City with my assigned big brother from Big Brothers Big Sisters of America (a non-profit organization that creates and supports one-to-one mentoring relationships with children). Also, his friends were in attendance.

 

One of my big brother’s friends, a woman I now believe to have been in her 20s, expressed appreciation for her late granddad. “That man,” she stated, “worked all his life to support his family, and I never – not once – heard him complain [to express grief, pain, or discontent].”

 

What she stated was in partial alignment with the values instilled in me by my dad. Specifically, I was taught to provide for and protect myself, my family, the community in which I lived, and others as necessary. This was said to have been the mark of a man.

 

Though my dad didn’t discourage complaints in private, I was encouraged not to air grievances in public (to express a complaint, concern, or dissatisfaction about a particular issue). I thusly addressed this matter in a blogpost entitled Iss-ME vs. iss-YOU:

 

In my youth, I learned a concept from my dad that has served me well throughout life. […] The binary perspective taught to me relates to issues people face. Is this an iss-ME or an iss-YOU?

 

An iss-ME is a problem that concerns me. I needn’t make my challenge a concern for others. Why? Because it’s my issue, not yours.

 

An iss-YOU is a matter concerning you, not me. You needn’t transfer your mess to me. Why? This is a you issue, not my problem.

 

Providing and protecting others while not complaining in public was how I was raised. I understand that some people relate that sort of teaching as akin to “toxic masculinity” (aspects of hegemonic masculinity which are said to be socially destructive, such as misogyny).

 

I disagree with this framing. I wasn’t taught not to complain at all. Yet, I was instructed that there was a proper place and time for airing grievances. As I fulfilled my specified role of providing and protecting, I was taught to save the complaints for an appropriate time and setting.

 

As I sat in a Chinese food restaurant, people at the table distributed fortune cookies (crisp and sugary cookie wafers made from flour, sugar, vanilla, and sesame seed oil with a piece of paper inside, a “fortune”, an aphorism, or a vague prophecy). I looked forward to those novel treats.

 

“Fortune” is prosperity attained partly through luck—the events or circumstances that operate for or against an individual. Though my dad taught me not to believe in fortune or luck, terms such as “fortunate” and “unfortunate” have become part of my lexicon (vocabulary of a language).

 

As I chewed my cookie while people around the table read aloud their fortunes, I contemplated death. This, too, was a matter about which my dad taught me from a young age. In fact, “you’re all gonna die someday” was a far more believable lesson to me than were fortune and luck.

 

“Will I be the sort of man that her grandad was?” I wondered, “Will people sit at a table when I’m gone, talking about how I provided and protected while not complaining?” Reflecting upon that moment in time, I’m reminded of a book that I’ve been steadily reading.

 

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

 

Sometimes, authors of The Daily Stoic provide quotes from Stoic philosophers which lack context. For instance, they quote ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca who stated (page 199):

 

How does it help, my husband, to make misfortune heavier by complaining about it? This is more fit for a king—to seize your adversities head on. The more precarious his situation, the more imminent his fall from power, the more firmly he should be resolved to stand and fight. It isn’t manly to retreat from fortune.

 

Some context to this quote could’ve been useful. Yet, I won’t complain. In any event, as I use “fortune” solely as a common parlance term, not appealing to some ethereal force, I don’t know about it being manly or not to “retreat from fortune” that I have no evidence of actually existing.

 

Thus, I’ll instead rely on knowledge about what does exist: death. Colloquially speaking, you can continue making misfortune heavier by complaining about it, or see to your values while airing grievances at an appropriate time and setting. Besides, you’re all gonna die someday!

 

Complaining about an eventuality is a waste of what relatively little time you have left. Personally, it’d be nice to be remembered fondly while people eat fortune cookies after having spoken well about me. That seems like a well-lived life.

 

Nonetheless, I’ll not be alive, truly unequivocally deceased, dead, dead, dead! So, what will it matter if anyone remembers or speaks well of me? Instead of preoccupying my thoughts with such things, I’ll instead focus on not making misfortune heavier by complaining about it.

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW


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References:

 

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2024, April 26). Eudaimonia. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/eudaimonia

Hollings, D. (2025, May 15). External things can’t fix internal issues. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/external-things-can-t-fix-internal-issues

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2025, November 23). Fortuna: Is it luck or effort? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fortuna-is-it-luck-or-effort

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2025, June 15). Griping, whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, whinging, venting, etc. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ griping-whining-bitching-moaning-complaining-whinging,-venting-etc

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2022, August 31). Iss-me vs. iss-you. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/iss-me-vs-iss-you

Hollings, D. (2025, October 13). Knowledge, wisdom, understanding. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knowledge-wisdom-understanding

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Lived experience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/lived-experience

Hollings, D. (2025, March 5). Pain. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/pain

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Preferential should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferential-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, November 23). Problems. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/problems

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2024, November 24). Values. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/values

Hollings, D. (2023, September 22). You’re gonna die someday. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-re-gonna-die-someday

Renuart, W. (2020, December 10). To control “toxic masculinity” and heal the family we must appreciate the differences between the sexes. Public Discourse. Retrieved from https://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2020/12/72415/

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Big Brothers Big Sisters of America. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Brothers_Big_Sisters_of_America

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Fortune cookie. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortune_cookie

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Hegemonic masculinity. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hegemonic_masculinity

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