Recently, I watched a video in which actress Saoirse Ronan discussed her perspective regarding a worldview apparently shared by all women. Here’s how the dialogue unfolded:
Male guest: I find some of the techniques though, that you learned, like— some of the things Paul taught us, is how you can use, how you can use your phone if someone’s attacking you… the butt of your phone to go—
Male host: Who’s actually going to think about that though? If someone attacks me, I’m not going to go, “Phone!”
[laughter]
Male guest: I think that’s a very good point.
Ronan: That’s what girls have to think about all of the time. Am I right, ladies?
[applause]
This is a topic that has been discussed for many years with my female friends, former girlfriends, and female colleagues and clients. No matter how often I address this matter, my position is usually dismissed based on the following steel man version of a retort:
Boys and men (collectively “males”) can never know the lived experience of girls and women (collectively “females”). Given innate differences in physical strength and ability between males and females, males are typically better able to defend themselves from physical danger than are females.
Therefore, discounting the experience of females who claim to live in a perpetual state of anxiety and fear associated with environmental jeopardy is representative of an etic perspective—worldview regarding a member of the out-group who can never truly understand the experience concerning a member of the in-group.
Ergo, if females think that they are under a constant state of duress, believe they are subject to the potential for interminable harm, or feel as though they are continually exposed to probabilistic violence, males cannot invalidate claims associated with the collective female experience.
Presuming I’ve adequately steel-manned the argument, I reject this stance. First, the proposal remains subject to the logical fallacy of unfalsifiability—an unfalsifiable proposition is presented as true and this proposal is maintained no matter what evidence to the contrary is offered.
For instance, I may suggest that my lucky pair of underwear is valuable, because every time I wear the undergarment I’m protected from the experience of death. No matter what evidence you offer to counter this claim, I maintain that my proposition is true. After all, I’m still alive.
Second, clearing the hurdle of unfalsifiability, it’s statistically inaccurate to maintain that women are under a more significant level of threat to their safety than men. To rebuff the steel man claim, I’ll focus only on the United States, though similar results may apply elsewhere.
According to the Pew Research Center:
Some groups of Americans are more likely than others to be victims of crime. In the 2022 BJS survey, for example, younger people and those with lower incomes were far more likely to report being the victim of a violent crime than older and higher-income people.
There were no major differences in violent crime victimization rates between male and female respondents or between those who identified as White, Black or Hispanic.
If there are no major differences in U.S. violent crime victimization rates between males and females, there is no logical or reasonable consideration for girls and women to experience a heightened level of anxiety or fear regarding an actual threat of violence.
Allow me to expand upon this matter. In a blogpost entitled What if in the Opposite Direction, I stated:
What if, what if, what if? Are you familiar with these two words which serve as the language of fear and anxiety? Here, fear is defined as an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.
Likewise, anxiety is defined as an apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness, usually over an impending or anticipated ill or event. Interestingly, both fearfulness and anxiousness are experienced similarly (i.e., rapid heartrate, nervous energy, profuse sweating, etc.).
For clarity, think of fear as something with a stimulus that you can pinpoint (e.g., fear of failure with writing) and anxiety as a similar experience, though you can’t quite identify what about the activating source with which you’re specifically concerned (i.e., anxious in public settings).
Anxiety and fear may relate to imagined or actual events. From a rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) perspective, both anxiousness and fearfulness are caused by unproductive beliefs. To understand what I mean, consider the helpful technique that is the ABC model.
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Activating event occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that is used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
Understand that in order for an anxious or fearful proposition to be considered rational it needs to include both logical and reasonable premises. Otherwise, the irrational proposal may be subject to neurosis (more on this term in a bit). For context on rationality, consider the following syllogism:
Form (hypothetical) –
If p, then q; if q, then r; therefore, if p, then r.
Example –
If a female imagines fear, then a girl or woman is actually under threat related to her imagination.
If a girl or woman is actually under threat related to her imagination, then females have to think about danger all of the time.
Therefore, if a female imagines fear, then females have to think about danger all of the time.
This syllogism represents the proposition Ronan ostensibly advocated in the video. Bear in mind that while a proposal may follow logical form it isn’t considered rational unless it’s also reasonable, and I maintain that the premises and established conclusion are unreasonable.
One’s imagination doesn’t accurately reflect reality. Likewise, proposing that females have to think about danger all the time is akin to one of the four major irrational beliefs recognized in REBT as demandingness (i.e., one should, must, ought to, have to, etc. do something).
In essence, the interpretation of Ronan’s proposition is deemed irrational, because it violates the is-ought problem—one cannot derive an ought from an is. In other words, a person cannot irrationally prescribe what has to be the case when faced with what merely is the case.
Sticking with the lucky underwear example, I cannot illogically and unreasonably conclude that I have to wear the same pair of lucky undergarments in order to remain alive when in reality life is impermanent and uncertain, as I could die at any moment and regardless of the underwear I use.
This brings us to the matter of neurosis. In a blogpost entitled Neurosis, I stated:
Throughout my life, I’ve heard of people being “neurotic” while not necessarily understanding what the term meant. Once I began practicing care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “behavioral health”), I better understood this condition.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines the term as follows:
Any one of a variety of mental disorders characterized by significant anxiety or other distressing emotional symptoms, such as persistent and irrational fears, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts, dissociative states, and somatic and depressive reactions. The symptoms do not involve gross personality disorganization, total lack of insight, or loss of contact with reality (compare psychosis).
In psychoanalysis, neuroses are generally viewed as exaggerated, unconscious methods of coping with internal conflicts and the anxiety they produce. Most of the disorders that used to be called neuroses are now classified as anxiety disorders.
This framework serves as the final point of rejection to the steel man proposal. It’s a matter of neurotic anxiety and fear that better explains the female so-called lived experience than do actual events. As such, I now turn to what I stated in a blog entry entitled Neurotic Beliefs:
Anxiety disorders, anxiousness, and neurotic beliefs are all correlated with irrational beliefs. In the book Creative Marriage, the authors state of these unproductive assumptions (page 22):
As Dr. Karen Horney, among others, frequently pointed out, should’s, supposed to’s, ought’s, and must’s are the inevitable equipment of disturbed individuals. The neurotic particularly believes that (a) he himself should act in a perfectionistic, wholly moralistic way and that (b) everyone else also should behave in this idealistic manner.
I appreciate how the authors of Creative Marriage simplify the definition of neurosis by stating that it represents “stupid behavior by non-stupid people” (page 23). While ignorance relates to a lack of knowledge, stupidity concerns unintelligent decisions when one knows better.
Further contemplating this topic, forgive me a personal anecdote. I was once in an intimate partner relationship with a woman who was scholastically more intelligent than I and who self-identified as a feminist.
By no valid measure was this woman considered stupid. However, she was ignorant about a great many matters – as I am and as are you. There’s no shame in being a fallible human being who cannot possibly know everything in life. Besides, we’re all ignorant to some degree.
In any case, my ex-girlfriend was ignorant in regard to male perceptions of danger, much in the same manner as Ronan demonstrated. One day, my ex and I discussed why it was that she irrationally believed boys and men weren’t concerned with our safety.
“We grow up being taught to always carry our keys in our hand, in case we need to use them as a weapon,” she explained, “and we have to always be aware of where the exits are, assess whether or not the guys we’re talking to will harm us, and never walk in dark alleys.”
Per her expressed worldview, there were monsters lurking in dark alleyways – ready to pounce on females and commit the heinous act of rape, physical battery, or criminal homicide. Apparently, the entire world is represented by that alley and mostly men are considered monstrous.
I disputed the neurotic belief which caused anxiousness and fear in my partner by asking, “Do you actually maintain that girls and women are the only ones to perceive harm? If so, why on Earth do you think I carry a loaded handgun when I leave home?”
My then-girlfriend’s response to this query was that I served as an exception to the rule. The rule was that females are in constant danger. Apparently, my heightened awareness of my surroundings constituted an exception to this rule, uniquely because I’m a military veteran.
“You’re just that way, because you’re a veteran, though that’s how all girls and women feel at all times,” she responded. One wonders how anyone could accurately account for the experience of all girls and women, being that aside from sex-based categorization females aren’t a monolith.
At any rate, I understood that my girlfriend’s misuse of the word “feel” represented a common colloquial error. When practicing REBT, I limit use of this term to either emotions (i.e., joy, sorrow, etc.) or bodily sensations (i.e., achy back, tight shoulders, etc.).
In common parlance, feelings-based language is mistakenly synonymized with thoughts, hunches, and beliefs. Therefore, it’s inaccurate to propose that females feel threated at all times. Rather, many girls and women may neurotically believe they are threatened at all times.
The dialogue shared with my ex-girlfriend illustrates the belief-consequence (B-C) connection in REBT. Because many females unproductively believe they are under constant duress, the unpleasant consequence of this attitude causes a rapid heartrate which feels like a pounding chest.
This unhelpful self-disturbing experience is what I presume is meant when claiming that females feel threatened. It’s a self-initiated process that violates the is-ought problem. As such, neurotic anxiety and fear is not an issue for the world to consider.
Rather, it’s an iss-YOU for any female who doesn’t use personal responsibility and responsibility (collectively “ownership”), and who instead clings to victimhood narratives which irrationally conclude that girls and woman are uniquely threatened. Boys and men are also living in an unsafe world.
Perhaps failing to understand this fact, Ronan was given an opportunity to expand upon her perspective expressed in the initial video. In a subsequent video, the following dialogue unfolded:
Male host: You said, you know, women are afraid of being attacked all the time. Tell me a little bit about that and saying that, the reaction to it.
Ronan: The reaction has been wild. It’s definitely not something that I had expected and I didn’t necessarily set out to sort of make a splash. But I do think there’s something really telling about the society we’re in right now and how open women want to be with the men in their lives about their experience.
That so many men and women that I know, from all over the world, have gotten in touch with me about this one comment which is— again, I would urge people, please, please, please to watch this in context.
Please watch the whole interview or watch at least that part of the conversation. Because it really wasn’t about— the boys weren’t sort of, like, debunking anything that I was saying. But at the same time, it sort of, it felt very similar to, like, when I’m at dinner with a bunch of my friends and I will always make the point that, well, you know, this is actually an experience that we go through every single day – 100% of the time.
I appreciate the films and television series content I’ve watched which features Ronan. Thus, I have respect for her acting ability. Likewise, I acknowledge her fallibility – just as I’m a flawed individual. Nevertheless, I reject Ronan’s expressed worldview.
It’s outright absurd to maintain that all females experience neurotic anxiety and fear “every single day – 100% of the time.” Perhaps some women are as cautiously concerned as I, given that I maintain no intention of hiding my own behavior. I often conceal carry.
Are my actions representative of neurotic anxiety and fear? No. When serving in the U.S. Marine Corps (1996-2007), I worked as military police. I’m well aware of the actual threat to one’s safety that is faced when living in a society.
This is a matter about which I don’t needlessly self-disturb. It isn’t something I experience “100% of the time.” Also, it isn’t done in ignorance or stupidity regarding the impermanent and uncertain nature of existence. Moreover, it doesn’t represent a platform for victimhood.
Rather, I exercise my natural right to arm myself. That’s it. If females such as Ronan, my ex-girlfriend, and others were to admit that they have personal agency for their B-C neuroses, they could then assume personal ownership of their reactions to undesirable events – both imagined and real.
Ultimately, it isn’t the world’s problem that some, many, or perhaps even most – though arguably not all – girls and women endure neurotic anxiety and fear. Therefore, one’s own B-C connection isn’t necessarily a concern for the rest of us.
If you believe there’s a shadowy monster dwelling in an alleyway, ready to pounce upon you, then you can do something other than bitching, whining, moaning, and complaining about the matter. Although you may not like or love that this is true, it represents what is nonetheless.
Besides, it’s irrational to believe, “I’m anxious and afraid; therefore, the world is unsafe.” Instead, it’s rational to conclude, “I unhelpfully believe; therefore, I’m anxious and afraid.” Alas, merely experiencing a B-C reaction isn’t entirely unproductive.
Thus, you can do something other than foolishly concluding that all females are under constant duress.I invite you to take personal ownership of your beliefs and their unpleasant consequences. If you’d like to know more about how to reject victimhood narratives, I’m here to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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