Pleasures, When They Go Beyond Proper Measure, Are but Punishments

[DISCLAIMER]

From time to time, people contact me regarding care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) for so-called porn addiction. For clarity, it may be worth stating that the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines pornography:

[W]ritings or images (e.g., illustrations, films, digital media) with blunt, often exploitative sexual content designed solely to arouse a sexual response and to satisfy the sexual urges of the beholder. Although legal interpretations of pornography vary, they tend to focus on it as a violation of community standards, with no redeeming artistic value.

My first recollection of porn is from elementary school. I saw discarded magazines of what was termed “transsexual” porn at an apartment complex in which I lived. As well, a buddy of mine showed me his dad’s man-on-woman and woman-on-woman porn magazines during that period.

Now that I think about it, softcore porn was also readily accessible on cable channels. The question then arises, were the adults who used or abused porn materials addicted? For context, the APA thusly defines addiction:

[A] state of psychological and/or physical dependence on the use of drugs or other substances, such as alcohol, or on activities or behaviors. The term is often used as an equivalent term for substance use disorder or substance dependence and can be applied to non-substance-related behavioral addictions, such as sex, exercise, and gambling.

Noteworthy, the APA defines dependence as “the state of having some reliance on or association with another entity or event.” Thus, so-called porn addiction occurs when one believes oneself to be reliant on porn (e.g., online porn videos) while physically or mentally craving the same.

I irreverently term this as “so-called” porn addiction, because it’s been my personal and professional experience that people tend not to truly be addicted to as many things as they may believe. Generally, they can stop using or abusing porn if they genuinely want to.

In order to do this, some acknowledgement of personal agency is first required. People have the ability to make decisions concerning their interests and goals. For instance, if person X wants to stop watching porn videos (i.e., interest), then person X can apply effort to that end (i.e., goal).

Similarly, some recognition of personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) is then necessary. Namely, people can own their maladaptive behavior. For example, if person X doesn’t stop watching porn material, then person X can own that outcome.

This means that using excuses which aren’t rational (in accordance with both logic and reason) may not be helpful. For instance, person X my unproductively believe, “I have no control over porn, because it controls me!” This irrational view proposes helplessness where there is none.

The APA defines helplessness as “a state of incapacity, vulnerability, or powerlessness associated with the perception that one cannot do much to improve a negative situation that has arisen.” Helpfully, accepting personal agency and ownership is a matter of empowerment.

Still, people who report a so-called addiction to porn often dis-empower themselves with the irrational notion that they aren’t in control of their actions. When further contemplating this matter, the psychotherapeutic modality I practice retains relevance.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Ancient philosopher Seneca stated, “Therefore, explain why a wise person shouldn’t get drunk—not with words, but by the facts of its ugliness and offensiveness. It’s most easy to prove that so-called pleasures, when they go beyond proper measure, are but punishments” (page 258).

In his proposition, Seneca used what in REBT is referred to as a recommendatory should statement. This flexible form of demandingness, unlike an inflexible absolutistic should belief, merely infers that one recommendatorily shouldn’t resort to ugliness or offensiveness.

Suppose that person X were told this regarding porn use or abuse behavior. However, person disagreed with Seneca’s framing of the matter. While porn-related behavior may be unproductive, person X doesn’t consider it ugly or offensive. Then what?

Person X may thereafter be invited to consider that the APA defines pleasure as “the emotion or sensation induced by the enjoyment or anticipation of what is felt or viewed as good or desirable.” Prior to and during the moment of porn use, person X may experience pleasure.

Yet, immediately after engaging with porn, person X may experience punishment—with the APA defining this term as “a physically or psychologically painful, unwanted, or undesirable event or circumstance imposed as a penalty on an actual or perceived wrongdoer.”

It isn’t that person X is reliant on porn. As well, it isn’t as though person X can’t stop using or abusing pornography. Rather, there exists a belief-driven pleasure and punishment aspect to which this individual has grown accustomed. I’ve seen this example time and time again.

As Seneca posited, “Pleasure, when they go beyond proper measure, are but punishments.” When people acknowledge their personal agency, recognize personal ownership, and disrupt their unhelpful belief-driven behavior, then I may help them with so-called porn addiction.

All the same, I’ve come to realize that not everyone who seeks mental health services wants to challenge their beliefs, curb their behavior, and experience change. For the so-called porn addict, person X may want to climax when using or abusing porn while merely flirting with Stoicism.

This is why I use persuasion, which the APA defines as “an active attempt by one person to change another person’s attitudes, beliefs, or emotions associated with some issue, person, concept, or object,” though not preachiness (the quality of obvious moralizing).

Without unnecessarily demanding that people absolutistically must change their ways, I try to convince them to change their beliefs which drive behavior. Regarding this flexible approach to change, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 258):

Is there a less effective technique to persuading people to do something than haranguing them? Is there anything that turns people off more than abstract notions? That’s why the Stoics don’t say, “Stop doing this, it’s a sin.” Instead they say, “Don’t do this because it will make you miserable.” They don’t say, “Pleasure isn’t pleasurable.” They say, “Endless pleasure becomes its own form of punishment.”

In my view, if person X chooses to use porn, then so be it. If this individual considers abuse of porn to be akin to addiction, and truly wants to alter beliefs which promote undesired behavior, then fair enough. Yet, it’s not my job (literally) to scold person X about use or abuse of porn.

Sometimes, my manner of persuasion is competent enough to help others. Other times, I fall short of my intended aims. Nonetheless, the clients with whom I work have personal agency and can assume personal ownership for their own outcomes—whether desirable or not.

 Often, success for my clients depends on their level of self-interest, which the APA defines as “one’s personal advantage or benefit. Self-interested behavior includes both the pursuit of rewards and benefits and the avoidance of costs, dangers, and harm.”

If person X is more interested (i.e., maintains a personal desire for) porn, then that’s the direction in which this individual will go. However, if a greater self-interest for change exists (i.e., wanting to decrease or stop porn use or abuse), then that’s the course of action one will take.

Either way, my role in the matter is to attempt to persuade person X that pleasures, when they go beyond proper measure, are but punishments. Concerning my method in this regard, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 258):

If you find yourself trying to persuade someone to change or do something differently, remember what an effective lever self-interest is. It’s not that this or that is bad, it’s that it is in their best interest to do it a different way. And show them—don’t moralize. And what happens when you apply this way of thinking to your own behavior?

Personally, though I’m not addicted to porn, gambling, substances, or just about anything other than unhealthy eating, persuasive techniques involving self-interest are often advantageous. Still, as a fallible human being, I sometimes fall short of my anticipated interests and goals.

During the challenging times of failure—which I don’t euphemistically refer to “areas or opportunity,” “occasions for growth,” or other supposedly motivational terms of quackery—I recognize what went wrong and how to avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.

Thus, pleasures can sometimes go beyond proper measure (e.g., overeating sweet and processed foods), resulting in a form of unpleasant punishment. When I fail in such a way, I simply reset by behavior by adjusting my beliefs. The same method can work for so-called porn addiction, too.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Freepik, fair use

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