Mind Over Matter: I Don't Mind, Because It Doesn't Matter

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When living in a children’s home, during my freshman year of high school, a houseparent at the all-boy cottage in which I lived taught me an invaluable lesson. “Mind over matter,” he stated, “I don’t mind, because it doesn’t matter.” Here, some points of clarity may be helpful.

Colloquially, “mind” is defined as the element or complex of elements in an individual that feels, perceives, thinks or believes, wills, and especially reasons. In the sense that my former houseparent used this term, he expressed a lack of concern (i.e., I don’t mind) with a situation.

This brings me to the second point of clarity. In common parlance, “matter” is defined as a subject under consideration. In the sense that my former houseparent used this term, he alluded to a situation that was unimportant to him (i.e., it doesn’t matter).

Although I can’t recall what the circumstance was about which the houseparent was apparently disinterested (not having the mind or feelings engaged), I’ve since remembered his helpful lesson. Now, I think of that personal anecdote when reading a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Marcus Aurelius stated, “It is essential for you to remember that the attention you give to any action should be in due proportion to its worth, for then you won’t tire and give up, if you aren’t busying yourself with lesser things beyond what should be allowed” (page 257).

Aurelius’s flexible recommendation (i.e., what one recommendatorily should do) regards a mind over matter approach to life—I don’t pay mind to situations which I can’t control or influence, so these circumstances don’t matter to me. Of this, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 257):

In 1997, a psychotherapist named Richard Carlson published a book called Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and It’s All Small Stuff. It quickly became one of the fastest-selling books of all time and spent years on the bestseller lists, ultimately selling millions of copies in many languages.

Whether you read the book or not, Carlson’s pithy articulation of this timeless idea is worth remembering. Even Cornelius Fronto, Marcus Aurelius’s rhetoric teacher, would have thought it a superior way of expressing the wisdom his student attempted in the quote above.

They both say the same thing: don’t spend your time (the most valuable and least renewable of all your resources) on the things that don’t matter. What about the things that don’t matter but you’re absolutely obligated to do? Well, spend as little time and worry on them as possible.

I spend quite a bit of time and energy in my blog focusing on situations which may otherwise not matter to me if I weren’t providing free psychoeducational lessons for other people. I do this, because I’m aware that not everyone can afford the cost and expense of psychotherapy.

Therefore, I address concerning topics while teaching people how to use REBT tools regarding the ABC model and unconditional acceptance. Otherwise, I wouldn’t mind, because such situations don’t matter to me. Of this view, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 257):

If you give things more time and energy than they deserve, they’re no longer lesser things. You’ve made them important by the life you’ve spent on them. And sadly, you’ve made the important things—your family, your health, your true commitments—less so as a result of what you’ve stolen from them.

Within my blog, I discuss war, rape, bigotry, violence, government affairs, and other challenging topics over which I have no control or influence. Simply ignoring these matters and focusing my time and energy on less difficult subjects would be a feasible option for a well-lived life.

Yet, for those who can’t afford therapy, my proposed ability to devote attention only to matters within my circles of control and influence would rob others of a helpful method for reducing distress and disturbance. Therefore, I healthily choose to set my mind to problematic matters.

I’m a professional practitioner of REBT, having formally practiced psychotherapy since 2011. As well, I began the informal practice of life coaching in 1991, so I can tolerate the topics I address within my blog without being unhealthily burdened by the imperfection of life.

Understandably, Stoics may wonder why I’d even mind such matters when there’s a possibility that, as Friedrich Nietzsche said, “He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

Favorably, I don’t believe in monsters—as I see merely fallible human beings who behave in a myriad of unproductive ways. I gaze into the abyss of fallibility, even if the void stares back at me, while understanding that I’m not much different than the imperfect beings at whom I gaze.

Still, if by some unhelpful turn of events I began to unhealthily experience side effects from the content about which I write in my blog, then I could easily revert to the teaching up with which I was raised. “I don’t mind, because it doesn’t matter.” Until then, I’m here to gaze and help.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Freepik, fair use

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