Surprise and Embarrassment

[DISCLAIMER]

The above photo was taken many years ago, before I knew anything about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) and how people self-disturb when using irrational beliefs. For context, a model with whom I worked as an amateur photographer invited me to dinner.

She expressed wanting to honor my birthday—an event I’d stopped celebrating by that point in my life. I was informed that it would be a discrete event, as I previously informed this individual that I didn’t appreciate surprises. Per the American Psychological Association (APA), surprise is:

[A]n emotion typically resulting from the violation of an expectation or the detection of novelty in the environment. It is considered by some theorists to be one of the emotions that have a universal pattern of facial expression. The physiological response includes raising or arching the eyebrows, opening the eyes wide, opening the mouth wide in an oval shape, and gasping.

Perhaps an unpopular view, I (still) maintain that surprises rob a person of consent. Therefore, I didn’t want to receive treatment that was common at restaurants in Bomb City at the time, whereby people in the service industry made grand celebratory gestures for birthday recognition.

“No worries,” I was assured by the model, “I just wanna take you to a low-key dinner.” To my surprise, wait staff descended upon our table with a large sombrero for me to wear as they sang and made a spectacle of the event. I was embarrassed, with the APA defining embarrassment as:

[A] self-conscious emotion in which a person feels awkward or flustered in other people’s company or because of the attention of others, as, for example, when being observed engaging in actions that are subject to mild disapproval from others. It often has an element of self-deprecating humor and is typically characterized by nervous laughter, a shy smile, or blushing.

What I didn’t understand back when I experienced embarrassment during the celebration of my birthday is that the event didn’t cause my reaction. Rather, the personal script I used was responsible for my outcome.

To elucidate this point, consider that REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For instance, from an A-C outlook, eating enchiladas verdes on my birthday (Action) made my belly full (Consequence). However, from a B-C perspective, people making a fuss about my birthday (Action) isn’t what led to my surprise and embarrassment (Consequence).

Instead, when people made a fuss about my birthday (Action) and I Believed, “What’s happening? Oh, this is awful! I can’t stand that people are making a fuss, because I shouldn’t be startled,” then my unhelpful script caused my surprise and embarrassment (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

The process of challenging unfavorable scripts can take longer than I care to demonstrate herein. Thus, in the interest of time imagine that instead of self-disturbing I instead told myself when my consent wasn’t sought and restaurant personnel made a fuss about my birthday:

This isn’t awful! Awful is being thrown out of an airplane at 40,000 feet without a parachute. Instead, this is merely inconvenient. I can stand inconvenience, so who’s to say I shouldn’t be startled? Simply tolerate and accept this moment, and don’t go out with this model again.

According to one source that assumes an A-C connection regarding embarrassment, “There may also be feelings of anger depending on the perceived seriousness of the situation, especially if the individual thinks another person is intentionally causing the embarrassment.”

Yet, given what I’ve demonstrated about surprise and embarrassment herein, there remains a B-C cause of such self-disturbance. Also illustrated in this blogpost is that people are able to un-disturb themselves. If you’d like to know more about how this is done, then I’m here to help.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Embarrassment. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/embarrassment

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Self-consciousness. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/self-consciousness

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Surprise. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/surprise

Hollings, D. (2025, October 19). Adhering to invisible scripts. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/adhering-to-invisible-scripts

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2024, August 7). Awfulizing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/awfulizing

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2025, March 5). Five major characteristics of four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/five-major-characteristics-of-four-major-irrational-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2022, August 24). Green with anger. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/green-with-anger

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2024, January 2). Interests and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/interests-and-goals

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Lived experience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/lived-experience

Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance

Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude

Hollings, D. (2025, August 2). My philosophy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-philosophy

Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings

Hollings, D. (2025, September 15). One of life’s little inconveniences. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/one-of-life-s-little-inconveniences

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, March 14). REBT and emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-and-emotions

Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2023, February 16). Tna. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/__tna

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Tinkertayler. (2016, June 5). Lowkey. Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Lowkey

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Embarrassment. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embarrassment