One of Life's Little Inconveniences

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”), I solely use teletherapy and telecoaching services (psychotherapy and life coaching conducted remotely using technology such as video conferencing, online chat, or telephone).

As such, I’ve relied on internet service provider (ISP) X since forming Hollings Therapy, LLC in 2019. For the most part, this company has provided reliable internet access so that I can work with people on improving their level of functioning and quality of life.

Of course, as is the case in an impermanent and uncertain life, ISP X hasn’t provided perfect service. Lately, my connectivity has been reliably inconsistent. Rather than self-disturbing about this matter, I rely on the two main tools of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) for help.

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

As an example, when ISP X service coverage is impaired (Action), then telehealth sessions via video conferencing software are rendered inaccessible (Consequence). Thus, from an A-C outlook, internet outages cause teletherapy disruptions.

Alternatively, from a B-C perspective, imagine that when ISP X service coverage is impaired (Action) and I unhelpfully Believed, “This is awful and I can’t stand this worthless ISP, because I must have reliable service,” then I’d likely become enraged and begin yelling (Consequence).

Fortunately for me, I don’t self-disturb in this manner. This is partially because I daily practice REBT. As well, I understand the distinction between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Regarding this difference, I stated in a blogpost entitled Distress vs. Disturbance:

It’s worth noting that there’s a distinction to be made regarding healthy versus unhealthy negative emotions, as sorrow, shock, regret, despair, anger, confusion, or abandonment could all be subjectively deemed “unhealthy” or “healthy” by different people. The same is true of rage.

Of this personal difference, I stated in a blogpost entitled Unhealthy vs. Healthy Negative Emotions, “I’m referring to that which isn’t or is indicative of, conducive to, or promoting one’s desirable standard of health.” Thus, it depends on one’s standards as to what is or isn’t healthy.

Personally, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, and surprise are viewed as naturally occurring emotions which are often described as “negative.” These feelings are arguably healthy, although sometimes challenging or even intense. According to one REBT source (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes this distress as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event, whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Addressing how people distress or disturb themselves with attitudes, the ABC model uses Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

The process of challenging personal philosophies of life can take longer than I care to demonstrate herein. Thus, in the interest of time, imagine that after a period of rigorous Disputation I then used the Effective new belief about ISP X service coverage being impaired:

When ISP X’s coverage is impaired, this isn’t an awful situation. Instead, it’s merely inconvenient [not convenient (suited to personal comfort or to easy performance), especially in giving trouble or annoyance]. Honestly, I can stand inopportune events such as this.

Also, it isn’t that ISP X is worthless. After all, I’ve enjoyed the ability to provide mental health services for over five valuable years while using this ISP’s services. Thus, while I’d prefer for ISP X to offer reliable services, internet outages are simply one of life’s little inconveniences.

When telling myself this flexible Belief, I’d experience tolerable distress in the form of frustration, annoyance, or disappointment (Consequence). Personally, this is preferable to self-disturbed enragement and yelling. Also, it isn’t likely that I’d feel nothing at all in this case.

Second, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA), as it relates to Stoicism.

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Suppose I maintained that I have control over only my reaction to ISP X (USA). Also, I realized that people who work for the company are merely fallible human beings (UOA). Additionally, I concluded that incontinence is simply a factor of life that I’ll endure until death (ULA).

Each of these logical and reasonable (collectively “rational”) outcomes would better serve my interests and goals regarding the consideration of alternative approaches to providing mental health services. Concerning this matter, one REBT source  states (pages 65 and 66):

Many people have a misconception that Stoicism and therefore REBT advocate that people just calmly accept a negative condition and do not attempt to change it.

REBT maintains that once people are freed from their dysfunctional emotions, they can work at making their lives happier and more fulfilling, and thereby become better able to achieve their goals.

Thus, therapists can help clients change their life situation; however, if circumstances allow us we think it is better to help them do this after we change their dysfunctional emotions and maladaptive behavior.

There are times when we will try to change the [Action] before we work on the emotional solution. We might recommend this if the client is, for example, living in a dangerous situation, or is living in a situation where he or she might have legal problems and be arrested.

Given my authentic example regarding ISP X, I’ve refrained from self-disturbing. As well, I’ve already taken appropriate steps toward changing my situation. Although I can tolerate and accept one of life’s little inconveniences, why must I do so when it’s to the detriment of client sessions?

Thus, at the end of this week, I’ll be switching to ISP Y. This, I’ll do with the understanding that one of little inconveniences may inevitably arise with ISP Y, as well. C’est la vie (such is life). If you’d like to know more about how to practice the tools within this post, then I’ll be standing by.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit (edited), fair use

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