Take a Beat

[DISCLAIMER]

If memory serves, I met “Antebellum” when we were both in the eighth grade. I was a resident in a children’s home sponsored by the Churches of Christ, as I met her during a youth event regarding the same. I was immediately taken with (strongly attracted to) my perception of her.

The following year, I was moved from one cottage of the children’s home to another that was directly sponsored by the congregation Antebellum attended. Frequently, I imagined what it would be like to date her. I was down bad!

At that stage in life, dating involved reserved seating next to someone during worship services. Yet, my irrational beliefs about inadequacy, related to a global evaluation belief whereby it was my personal philosophy of life that I wasn’t good enough, kept me from addressing the topic.

Eventually, matters worked in my favor. Antebellum and I became fast friends (individuals who quickly develop a close, intense, and often loyal friendship), as we winded up seated next to one another on Sunday morning and evenings, as well as Wednesday evenings for worship services.

Completing our freshman year of high school, Antebellum’s family offered to take me out of the children’s home to live with them under legal guardianship status. At first, I was hesitant, because I was head over heels in love (deeply in love or infatuated) with Antebellum.

I didn’t view her as a sister, nor did I want to. Nevertheless, I reluctantly accepted the offer. In my adolescent mind, I reasoned that perhaps I could demonstrate my worth to Antebellum’s family whereby I would one day be considered good enough to marry her.

However, we can’t always get what we want in life. Describing my uncomfortable living situation in Antebellum’s home, I stated in a blogpost entitled DND:

Initially, I kept quiet with the family about my attraction to their daughter. I didn’t even communicate my sentiment to Antebellum.

However, her mother and I grew closer and would engage in marathon dialogue sessions, and I eventually admitted my sentiment. I told the mother that I intended on one day marrying Antebellum.

To my surprise, the mother told me something to the effect of, “That will never happen,” and she advised me to, “Put that out of your mind.” In retrospect, I don’t know what response I expected.

I self-disturbed quite a bit with unaccommodating beliefs about the matter. In fact, I even demanded to be returned to the children’s home. However, by that point, Antebellum’s family apparently considered me to be one of their own family members, so I remained with them.

Halfway through my senior year, I acted out (the expression of internal conflicts or emotions through external, often negative, behaviors, rather than through verbal communication or conscious awareness). At that point, I was kicked out and I returned to the children’s home.

Despite it all, I remained close to Antebellum and her family. Indeed, it was through continued talks with her mom that I made the decision to join the United States Marine Corps not long after graduating high school.

During periods of military leave, Antebellum and I held each other tightly and cried at the thought of being physically separated from one another. Still, she later met a man. After a period of courtship, he proposed marriage. Hearing the news, I self-disturbed to a significant degree.

Worse yet, Antebellum asked me to take part in her wedding party (a group of people, selected by the couple getting married, who participate in the wedding ceremony and related events). Flying from Okinawa, Japan where I was stationed, I acquiesced to Antebellum’s request.

In the photo above, I sat next to Antebellum and her husband. Captured by the photographer, I was in the process of taking a beat (taking a momentary pause during difficult circumstances) while taking a proverbial beating (often used figuratively to suggest a setback or loss).

Though I didn’t know about REBT at the time, I was wise enough not to make a scene by acting on impulse stemming from unfavorable beliefs. Thus, I sat still while suffering. Recalling the event, I’m reminded of the psychotherapeutic modality I currently practice.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Reflecting upon Antebellum’s wedding and associated celebrations, I admit that I couldn’t see things clearly. About this, authors of The Daily Stoic quote Diogenes Laertius who stated, “Heraclitus called self-deception an awful disease and eyesight a lying sense” (page 83).

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines self-deception as “the process or result of convincing oneself of the truth of something that is false or invalid, particularly the overestimation of one’s abilities and concurrent failure to recognize one’s limitations.”

Sitting next to Antebellum while taking a beat, I unhelpfully used a low frustration tolerance belief by maintaining, “I can’t stand this,” as I deceived myself about my ability to tolerate distress. If what I told myself was valid, then how was I able to sit calmly through it all?

I was blinded by the nonsense I told myself. Although I didn’t enjoy participating in a wedding of the woman I desperately wanted to marry since childhood, I could set aside my attraction in lieu of her satisfaction. About my blindness, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 83):

Self-awareness is the ability to objectively evaluate the self. It’s the ability to question our own instincts, patterns, and assumptions. Oiêsis, self-deception or arrogant and unchallenged opinion, requires that we hold all our opinions up to hard scrutiny; even our eyes deceive us.

In REBT, “hard scrutiny” advocated by the authors is known as disputation (a rigorous exercise in oral or mental challenge of a thesis or set of beliefs by use of formal logic and reason, as well as other means of helpful examination in order to determine truth about reality).

Regarding “self-awareness” mentioned by the authors, the APA defines this concept as “self-focused attention or knowledge.” This isn’t the same thing as self-focus that borders on neurosis (obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts, or depressive reactions, and an exaggerated sense of self).

While I was self-aware about my sentiment for Antebellum, I didn’t have knowledge about how it was that I disturbed myself with unhelpful beliefs. Thus, I overwhelmed myself while being blinded to the reality of my situation. About this, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 83):

[B]ecause our senses are often wrong, our emotions overly alarmed, our projections overly optimistic, we’re better off not rushing into conclusions about anything. We can take a beat with everything we do and become aware of everything that’s going on so we can make the right decision.

Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to take a beat during the momentous day for Antebellum and her husband. Many years later, I developed improved self-awareness through REBT. Ultimately, I un-disturbed regarding unrequited love for Antebellum, as I remain grateful for having done so.

Now, I invite clients to take a beat in similar fashion when beginning to disturb themselves with unproductive beliefs. Once people are able to take a healthy pause and gain self-awareness, they can then begin to dispute the irrational beliefs which caused self-upset in the first place.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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