Toxic Fuel

[DISCLAIMER]

The above image is one of the few photos I have in which I experienced anger in the moment. It was taken by my (then) live-in girlfriend (“Munchkin”) when I was employed in the field of nuclear security. Back then, I had a fairly consistent routine.

I’d drive to work, self-disturb with irrational beliefs during my shift, drive home while blaring music delivered from my JL Audio 13W7 subwoofer, and then gripe, whine, bitch, moan, complain, whinge, and vent about how awful I believed my job was. My routine was unpleasant.

On one particular day, Munchkin heard me pull into the apartment complex, as I’d done virtually countless times, rattling the walls with bass emitting from my vehicle. As was explained to me later, she wanted to show me what she observed each time I came home angry.

The photo she took didn’t lead to full alteration of my behavior, yet I was more cognizant of how my actions were perceived by Munchkin. When contemplating this matter further, I think about the psychotherapeutic modality I now practice, as well as a book I’ve been steadily reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

I wish that I’d known of REBT and Stoicism when I guarded nuclear weapons. At that time in my life, I thought that my experience with anger was warranted and made me a more proficient security police office. That was an illogical and unreasonable (collectively “irrational”) belief.

In fact, I was downright wrong. Being angry all the time had an effect, though it wasn’t the desirable outcome I once thought it was. Regarding this realization, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca who stated (page 56):

There is no more stupefying thing than anger, nothing more bent on its own strength. If successful, none more arrogant, if foiled, none more insane—since it’s not driven back by weariness even in defeat, when fortune removes its adversary it turns its teeth on itself.

For now, I’ll set aside the fact that some of my coworkers at the nuclear weapons facility nicknamed me “Twist Off,” because of my erratic anger. I’ll forgo further discussion about how another work colleague ironically referred to me as “Cool Breeze,” as I was nothing like that.

Rather, I currently think about what the experience of living with a hot head was like for Munchkin. It couldn’t have been pleasant. [Boom, boom, boom] She’d hear me pulling into the apartment complex. [Rattling of my keys at the door] She likely braced herself for whining.

Sure, I provided security for nukes. Yet, what degree of security did I provide at home? What was solved through my incessant venting—episodes during which I upset myself more when discussing my work shift? Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 56):

As the Stoics have said many times, getting angry almost never solves anything. Usually, it makes things worse. We get upset, then the other person gets upset—now everyone is upset, and the problem is no closer to getting solved.

Munchkin and I argued quite a bit when we were together. To be honest about the matter, taking personal responsibility and accountability for my role in those instances of verbal conflict, I couldn’t blame her for my anger. The majority of our disagreements stemmed from my attitude.

If asked back then what I thought was being accomplished with a perpetual state of anger, I likely would’ve suggested that my mood fueled action toward desirable outcomes. But did it though? Not really. Addressing this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 56):

Many successful people will try to tell you that anger is a powerful fuel in their lives. The desire to “prove them all wrong” or “shove it in their faces” has made many a millionaire. The anger at being called fat or stupid has created fine physical specimens and brilliant minds. The anger at being rejected has motivated many to carve their own path.

By the time I lived with Munchkin, I’d been kicked out of the Marine Corps and had a divorce under my belt. If given the opportunity to explain my anger, I would’ve proposed that it was an act of defiance toward failure that allowed me to achieve success. Was anger actually helpful?

Debatably, I wasn’t entirely wrong. For instance, in a blogpost entitled Unhealthy vs. Healthy Negative Emotions I stated that “sorrow, shock, anger, and confusion – although not necessarily pleasant – can be perceived as healthy or natural emotive experiences.” Per one REBT source:

You may be imagining anger as only being unhealthily enraged. Now, imagine yourself being healthily frustrated; just so you are motivated enough to solve the problem at hand without damaging your relationships with other people. That’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger.

Was I healthily frustrated—representing distress, or unhealthily enraged—representing disturbance in regard to my behavior at the end of work shifts? I imagine that Munchkin would suggest the latter, as do I. Of this experience, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 56):

Such stories ignore the pollution produced as a side effect and the wear and tear it put on the engine. It ignores what happens when that initial anger runs out—and how now more and more must be generated to keep the machine going (until, eventually, the only source left is anger at oneself).

“Hate is too great a burden to bear,” Martin Luther King Jr. warned his fellow civil rights leaders in 1967, even though they had every reason to respond to hate with hate. The same is true for anger—in fact, it’s true for most extreme emotions. They are toxic fuel. There’s plenty of it out in the world, no question, but never worth the costs that come along with it.

The toxic fuel I once thought explained my success was little more than a poor excuse for an inappropriate mood and unproductive behavior. Because I can’t rewind time and do over my actions of the past, I practice unconditional life-acceptance.

This helpful REBT tool involves acknowledging that the past is passed—it’s unalterable. Therefore, without use of unaccommodating conditions, I accept that what was is no more. There’s no utility in disturbing myself about what’s behind me.

Thankfully, Munchkin practiced unconditional other-acceptance with me for years. This useful REBT technique involves admitting that humans are fallible beings. As such, without using unproductive conditions, she accepted me while understanding that I wasn’t my anger.

This leads to the REBT method of unconditional self-acceptance. Essentially, I concede – just as Munchkin did – that I’m an inherently flawed individual. Use of rigid conditions to the contrary is pointless. Thus, I try to behave better. This is done without pursuit of unattainable perfection.

In closing, I’ve come a long way from the person captured in the above photo. As well, I have a long way to go yet. Still, I try not to use the toxic fuel of anger to drive my actions. How about you? Do you find that you’re impairing relationships due to your mood? If so, REBT may help.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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