We Aren't All the Same

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote Marcus Aurelius, ancient Stoic philosopher and emperor of Rome, who stated, “The person who does wrong, does wrong to themselves. The unjust person is unjust to themselves—making themselves evil” (page 306). This brings to mind a professional anecdote.

When first learning about REBT, as I focused my graduate studies for counseling on this psychotherapeutic modality (2009-2011), I knew very little about philosophy. Even when reading about Stoic influence on REBT, I didn’t fully grasp the principles of Stoicism.

I was ignorant (lacking knowledge, education, or awareness). Years later, having developed a better understanding of Stoicism, I discussed care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) with client X. As an aside, a personal anecdote comes to mind.

In my youth, I had a religious foundation in the doctrines of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Churches of Christ. Counterintuitively, in adolescence, I also established a friendly base with people in criminal organizations, such as the Blood, Crips, and Sureños.

It was a member of the Crips who bestowed upon me the nickname “2-Nice,” in part due to the spiritual teachings up with which I was raised. Conversely, it was a member of the Sureños who gave me the moniker “Suicide Psycho,” because I was said to have been “fucking crazy.”

Looking back, the latter gang member had a point. I first attempted murder in elementary school, I’d been placed in a children’s home and become institutionalized in seventh grade, and I was invited to live with a family of a local church flock after my freshman year of high school.

Though my needs were met, I made the choice to seek out gangbanging friends who were prone to violence. I opted for a similar path when joining the Marine Corps not long after graduating high school. There, I met additional violent friends, as many were one and the same.

This brings me back to the professional anecdote about client X. This individual’s background wasn’t like mine. Nevertheless, we had deep conversations in which philosophical perspectives were compared and contrasted, and then matched with client X’s interests and goals.

“I’m not big on Stoicism,” client X admitted, “because the Stoics came off as too preachy.” I shared client X’s perspective, though regarding many of the Christians with whom I’d once associated. After settling on agnosticism, it’s reasonable to say that I then adopted Stoicism.

“I think the overall point of REBT is to be less dogmatic than the Stoics were,” I told client X, “so, rather than appealing to deities, nature, or other unfalsifiable forces—as they clearly did, I invite you to ask yourself, in all situations, ‘What do I control, and what do I influence?”

Client X was receptive to this Stoic outlook, without approaching the world as though one maintains objective morality and practices moral absolutism. Subjectively, that’s unlike how Aurelius tended to have behaved. In similar fashion, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 306):

The next time you do something wrong, try to remember how it made you feel. Rarely does one say, “I felt great!” There is a reason there’s often vomit at crime scenes. Instead of the catharsis the person thought they’d feel when they let themselves get out of control or when they got their revenge, they ended up making themselves sick. We feel a version of this when we lie, when we cheat, when we screw someone over.

As I read The Daily Stoic, it’s become unavoidably clear that the authors frequently make use of unjustified generalizations (use of broad, universal claims based on insufficient, unrepresentative, or anecdotal evidence). As client X stated, it comes across as “too preachy.”

For example, suppose I suggested that all women nag, or that all men cheat. What justification (an acceptable reason for doing something) would I have for generalizing (to draw a general conclusion from) in such a manner? What evidence do I have regarding “all” of anything?

Even when “all” isn’t outright stated in a proposition, it’s often inferred (to reach a conclusion based on premises, whether factual or not). The inference made by authors of The Daily Stoic is that, more or less, all people are the same. Apparently, we all feel “sick” after using violence.

That’s unadulterated bullshit! I’ve known gang members, Marines, and clients to whom there was little distinction between engaging in violence and eating a sandwich. There was no “vomit” or other symptoms of illness for their engagement in doing the subjective “wrong” thing!

We aren’t all the same. Reflecting upon my first homicide attempt, I didn’t feel bad. Also, I’ve had gangbanger friends who’ve clearly enjoyed committing acts of violence. As far as Marines go, some will actually admit that they’ve become sexually aroused during such instances.

Whether inferring or full-on declaring that all people are the same, I adopt client X’s “too preachy” conclusion when Stoics unjustifiably generalize in such fashion—especially those who’ve likely never experienced actual violence. Still, the authors state (page 306):

So in that split second before your ill-gotten gains kick in, ask: How do I feel about myself? Is that moment when fear rises in your throat because you suspect you may get caught really worth it? Self-awareness and wrongdoing rarely go together. If you need a selfish reason to not do wrong—put yourself in touch with these feelings. They’re a powerful disincentive.

Women, before you nag anyone today, ask yourself: How do I feel about myself? Men, before you cheat this week, ask yourself: How do I feel about myself? What’s that, women and men, you don’t nag or cheat? Drats! Now, what will I do with my cereal box prize advice?

Are we all, as fallible human beings, of the same species? Yes. Do many of us think, believe, feel, and behave the same? Of course, and perhaps even most, though I have no evidence to support this proposal. Nonetheless, aside from our species qualifier, we aren’t all the same.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2025, November 25). Logos and natural order. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logos-and-natural-order

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Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings

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Hollings, D. (2026, March 31). Shortsighted fundamentalism and dogmatic attitudes. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/shortsighted-fundamentalism-and-dogmatic-attitudes

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism

Hollings, D. (2023, April 9). The advice that never was. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-advice-that-never-was

Hollings, D. (2026, April 12). The Cartesian crisis: What do I control? What do I influence? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ the-cartesian-crisis-what-do-i-control-what-do-i-influence

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Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2023, October 22). Unfalsifiability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unfalsifiability

Hollings, D. (2025, May 12). Unjustified generalization. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unjustified-generalization

Hollings, D. (2023, May 3). Want vs. need. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/want-vs-need

Hollings, D. (2024, August 20). We all make our choices. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/we-all-make-our-choices

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