Coathanga Strangla

[DISCLAIMER]

I’m amused by what I hear in regard to the notions people hold about appearances which life coaches, psychotherapists, and others who care for mental, emotional, and behavior health are expected to uphold. I suppose we’re unhelpfully required to appear as though we’re perfect.

That simply isn’t me. That’s not even how I grew up. Instead of misleading people with a plastic version of my life, I’d rather be honest about challenges I’ve faced (and overcome). For instance, I said in a blogpost entitled Non-Aggression Principle – Don’t Put Your Hands on Me:

[I]t was in elementary school that I attempted to end the lives of two family members through use of a knife, and by way of murder—the crime of unlawfully and unjustifiably killing a person. Thankfully, I was unsuccessful in that attempt.

In middle school, I threatened to decapitate a family member with a knife. This occurred as she was in the process of battering another family member who I sought to protect. Fortunately, my verbal warning was heeded as I stood in a ready posture to execute the threat.

In high school, I carried an assortment of weapons (i.e., fist loads, golf clubs, knives, and occasionally a pistol). Thus, in 1994, I was investigated by law enforcement personnel when I responded by pulling a knife when a non-family member pulled a switchblade on me.

I’m not proud of this admission, though I also have no guilt or shame in this regard. Why must I experience unhealthy negative emotions about my past? I’m no longer the boy I once was. I’m a man. And with this understanding, I present a shame attacking blogpost for your consideration.

Before I go any further it may be of use to discuss the psychotherapeutic modality that I practice. Unlike other forms of talk therapy which aim to help people merely feel better, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) endeavors to help people actually get better.

This is accomplished by two main tools. First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, and not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

Specifically, there are four major irrational beliefs people often use: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD regarding later examples herein.

From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For examples of A-C and B-C connections, let’s revisit what I’ve disclosed about my violent behavior in childhood. From an A-C perspective, had I stabbed two of my family members with a knife (Action), then my sisters likely would’ve been injured (Consequence).

However, it wasn’t an A-C connection that caused by unhealthy behavior. My sisters repeatedly made fun of me (Action) and I unfavorably Believed, “They’re worthless [G], and I can’t stand them [L]! To stop this terrible teasing [A], I should teach them a lesson they won’t forget [D]!”

With that self-disturbing GLAD narrative I was enraged, and chased my sisters down a neighborhood block with a knife (Consequence). From a B-C outlook, I upset myself and could’ve seriously injured my family members, as reactions have consequences.

Addressing how people disturb themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Noteworthy, Actions and Consequences aren’t Disputed, as only unproductive Beliefs are challenged.

Rather than use of unaccommodating narratives, I could’ve instead concluded, “Although I’d like for my sisters to stop teasing me, it isn’t as if I can’t tolerate their behavior. Besides, we’re always teasing one another, and they haven’t reacted violently toward me.”

Presuming you understand that the B-C connection is what causes self-disturbance, how about another REBT-themed example? From an A-C perspective, had the knife I held made contact with my mom’s throat in middle school (Action), then I could’ve decapitated her (Consequence).

However, it wasn’t an A-C connection that caused my harmful behavior. My mom repeatedly battered my sister (Action) and I unhelpfully Believed, “She’s nothing [G], and I can’t bear her any longer [L]! To stop her awful assault of my sister [A], I must end my mom’s life [D]!”

With that self-disturbing GLAD narrative I was furious and stood before my mom with a chef’s knife, warning her to dismount my bloodied sister (Consequence). From a B-C outlook, I upset myself and could’ve killed the woman who birthed me. Now, consider the second tool of REBT.

REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. Rather than using rigid self-narratives I could’ve instead considered flexible UA attitudes. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Rather than preparing to decapitate my own mother I could’ve helpfully maintained, “I’m a fallible human being [USA], my mom is also flawed [UOA], and life itself isn’t perfect [ULA]. Because I have only limited control of myself, and partial influence over her, what can I do?”

Don’t get me wrong, I still likely would’ve stopped my mom from causing further harm to my sister. After all, I’d just witnessed my mother thrusting my sibling’s head through a closed window. Yet, practice of UA may’ve resulted in me instead physically subduing my mom.

Noteworthy, it wasn’t long after that event that one of my sisters and I was placed into the care of a children’s home. There, I met another child whose mom purportedly behaved in harmful ways. The girl had a massive scar on her throat at which it was challenging not to stare.

Per the child resident’s version of the story, during a violently abusive episode the girl’s mom attempted to strangle her daughter to death with a coat hanger. Unsuccessful at committing homicide, the girl’s mom allegedly left my fellow resident with a lasting reminder of the attack.

Perhaps you envisioned that the shame attacking element of this blogpost related to my violent behavior in child hood. If so, your assumption is incorrect. On a number of occasions, when self-disturbed by a B-C connection, I made fun of the scarred girl. While not violent, I acted poorly.

As an example, we both argued (Action) and I disobligingly Believed, “This girl’s so worthless [G] that even her own mom tried to kill her! I can’t stand her either [L]. Hearing her voice is awful [A], so I should end this argument quickly [D]! What’s the worst thing I can say to her?”

With that self-upsetting GLAD narrative I was angry and told the girl, “Bitch, yo mama wanted you to die, and so do I!” (Consequence). From a B-C outlook, I disturbed myself and contributed to the girl’s own ABC model of self-upset. Thus, she ran from the room in tears.

In high school, a family took me into their home to live with them. I attended a new school, and thought I’d never again see the gnarly scar upon the neck of the girl with whom I once shared a home. To my surprise, she showed up to the school I attended.

Perhaps she thought that turtlenecks, scarves, and other items of clothing would conceal her wound. Yet, my behavior toward the former children’s home resident now warrants its own hip hop reference for context about how repugnant my behavior toward her was at the new school.

With little doubt, one of my favorite of the horrorcore entertainers is the pioneer of “rip-gut” content, Brotha Lynch Hung (“Lynch”). Describing the origins of his style, Lynch stated in an interview:

When I was young, that’s all I watched! Horror movies and stuff… […] that’s all I’ve been into, rip-gut cannibal. And then, basically all I do is eat meat! That’s my thing.

In high school, I enjoyed Lynch’s albums 24 Deep (1994) and Season of da Siccness (1995), as the latter remains my favorite of the artist’s collective body of work. In any event, the former children’s home resident and I were openly antagonistic to one another at the new school.

Suspicious of her attempt to conceal her past from other students, one day I told her that if she continued behaving passively-aggressive toward me I’d let people know that her mom tried to strangle her with a coat hanger. Admittedly, it wasn’t my finest moment.

This is where Lynch is relevant to this post. Earlier, when listening to the lyricist’s seventh solo studio album Coathanga Strangla (2011), or ‘coat hanger strangler,’ I thought of how unpleasantly I behaved toward the girl with whom I once shared a house at the children’s home.

In specific, the track “The Coathanga”, featuring C.O.S., reminded me of the girl and our many verbal disputes. I’ll spare you an exploration of the lyrics therein. It’s called “horrorcore” for a reason, and I don’t think you may appreciate glorification of horrific scenarios.

Nevertheless, Lynch’s song provided me with an opportunity to develop a psychoeducational lesson while also shame-attacking. Instead of misleading people with an inauthentic version of my life, I’ve rather chosen to be authentic about challenges I’ve faced (and overcome).

The girl with whom I once lived in a children’s home, the child whose mom reportedly tried to strangle with a coat hanger, didn’t deserve the manner in which I treated her. Had I known about REBT in my youth, perhaps I could’ve spared her additional fuel for her B-C-connected events.

Additionally, I don’t deserve to treat myself poorly in the present with reminders about the past. The past is passed; it’s unalterable. Alas, I can take lessons of how I once behaved in significantly unhealthy ways, and learn to get better by continuing to overcome challenges.

The same may be true for you. Even if you’ve attempted murder of your family members or bullied people, as I have, there’s still time to turn your life around. Would you like to know more about how REBT may be of assistance in this regard? If so, I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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