Clinging to Memories Keep You Trapped Between Worlds

[DISCLAIMER]

Daily Practice

Do you self-disturb (upset yourself with beliefs) regarding memories (the ability to retain information or a representation of past experience, based on the mental processes of learning or encoding, retention across some interval of time, and retrieval or reactivation of the memory)?

If so, you aren’t alone. I’ve done it, as have countless other people. Herein, I’ll offer a method of un-disturbing yourself in this regard. Before doing so, a bit of context is necessary. In particular, I stated in a blogpost entitled People Have the Right to Self-Determination:

Recently, a client asked about my daily practice of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). “What do you do?” this individual inquired. I informed my client that I monitor various forms of media, as the social media platform Reddit rarely fails to deliver content on which I can practice.

I often hone my psychotherapeutic skills by daily practicing the ABC model and unconditional acceptance (UA), the two main techniques of REBT, using content from platforms such as Reddit. Before demonstrating a specific example, further context is needed.

REBT

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Second, REBT uses UA to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

A Reddit Video

Presuming you understand and believe in the REBT method of un-disturbing yourself that I’ve provided thus far, I now turn toward a subreddit thread I recently discovered. According to one Redditor, the original content of a video posted in the Reddit thread states:

Nostalgia is a beautiful liar. It shows you highlight reels while hiding all the reasons things ended. You scroll through old photos, replay conversations, and convince yourself that what’s gone was better than what remains.

But clinging to memories keeps you trapped between worlds – physically here but mentally living in moments that no longer exist. You’re giving your present away to ghosts who have already moved on with their lives.

The hardest truth is that you’re often remembering alone. While you’re analyzing every detail of what used to be, they’ve created new stories that don’t include you. They’ve found peace by letting go of what you still hold onto.

Your mind wasn’t designed to live in the past. It was made for right now, for building new connections, for healing, for growing beyond what was. The memories worth keeping are the ones that gently inform your future, not the ones that hold it hostage.

Let the past stay where it belongs. Today needs you more.

Insightfully, the Reddit version of the video begins with two parents admiring their infant that’s on the verge of uttering its first words. The aforementioned monologue is then expressed by the child. At the conclusion of the video, the infant humorously poops its diaper.

I appreciate the final scene, because while the parents may imagine all the memories with which they’ll likely one day self-disturb, the infant requires their immediate attention here and now. That diaper isn’t gonna change itself!

Photography as a Hobby

When I was in elementary school, my grandma purchased a camera (“rig”) for me. After discovering that I admired her Kodak Instamatic camera, for either my birthday or Christmas she bought a Kodak Ektralite 10 along with several rolls of film.

It was with that rig that I shot my first wedding during elementary school. As I aged, various other rigs came and went until I eventually left behind film and transitioned into digital photography. Thus, additional weddings and other content was shot throughout the years.

In retrospect, photography was one of my most enjoyed and longest running hobbies (a pursuit outside one’s regular occupation, engaged in especially for relaxation). Even when shooting with various digital rigs for professional brands, I refused to accept compensation for my work.

Rather than a medium by which I could generate revenue, I wanted to capture memories which could be enjoyed throughout a lifetime. Thus, photography as a hobby was my way of passing along memories for posterity (the offspring of one progenitor to the furthest generation).

Of course, it’s worth considering that clinging to memories keeps you trapped between worlds. Although there’s nothing inherently wrong with or bad about retained information, memories worth keeping are the ones that gently inform your future, not the ones that hold it hostage.

The product of all the photos I’ve ever taken in the past can never revive the moments I once captured. And while they may inform the future that awaits me, life can only ever be lived in this moment. As such, photos of yesteryear are mere shadows which are cast from what once was.

Perhaps you self-disturb regarding memories. How is being self-captured when staring at captured images of memories from the past serving your current interests and goals? If you’re honest with yourself, I suspect you’ll admit that self-disturbance isn’t at all a benefit to you.

Bear in mind that REBT literature draws a distinction between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. As an example, I invite you to look at the following photograph of me which was captured by my now ex-girlfriend during a Colorado trip, including a stop at the Royal Gorge:

When viewing the photo, I have no emotional or sensational response whatsoever. This is because I subscribe to the REBT notion that there isn’t an Action-Consequence (A-C) connection that can cause such a reaction.

Alternatively, when I look at the picture and consider, “That trip was one of the last times I was able to hug my late stepmom, whom I dearly loved,” then a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection causes the experience of mild sorrow. This is a matter of healthy distress.

However, unhealthy disturbance would result if I looked at the photograph and unhelpfully maintained, “Life is meaningless without my stepmom, and I can’t stand that she’s no longer alive, because it’s terrible not having her around. In fact, I should go on and join her in death!”

Do you understand the difference between distress and disturbance? As well, do you comprehend that A-C connections aren’t what cause either of these healthy or unhealthy outcomes? Do you now realize that B-C connections about memories from the past are what hold you hostage?

Clinging to memories keeps you trapped between worlds – physically here but mentally living in moments that no longer exist. Imagine if you let the past stay where it belongs, because today needs you more. This is precisely what is advocated by REBT, and what I invite you to consider.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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