Imagine Doing a Good Deed Without Telling Others About It

[DISCLAIMER]

As a resident of a children’s home in 1992, I comprehended exploitation (the action of making use of and benefiting from resources). Specifically, I voiced my grievance to houseparents about social oppression, though I didn’t have the terminology to describe it as well as one source does:

A common conception of social oppression is seen as when a single group in society unjustly takes advantage of, and exercises power over, another group using dominance and subordination.

This then results in the socially supported mistreatment and exploitation of a group of individuals by those with relative power. In a social group setting, oppression may be based on many ideas, such as poverty, gender, class, race, caste, or other categories.

As an example, the boys in my cottage at the children’s home were recipients of charity (generosity and helpfulness especially toward the needy or suffering). Truly, I was grateful to have received clothing, food, money, and other charitable donations.

Nonetheless, I didn’t appreciate that some people apparently wanted evidence of their charitable behavior so that they could presumably tell others about what good deeds were done. In particular, I didn’t want photos taken of me with sponsors, donors, and other individuals.

For example, members of fraternity and sorority chapters at a local university requested an audience with children’s home residents during the Christmas season. The boys in my cottage were treated as though we were some sort of animals at the zoo located in Amarillo, Texas!

Personally, such behavior related to disgust (a strong aversion, for example, to the taste, smell, or touch of something deemed revolting, or toward a person or behavior deemed morally repugnant). “Why can’t they do a good deed without telling others about it?” I questioned.

Although my houseparents were receptive to my protest, I was encouraged to simply go along to get along. Thus, groups within society unjustly took advantage of and exercised power over children’s home residents by using exploitative dominance based on our impoverished status.

Having been subjected to social oppression of that sort, I thereafter remained disgusted in my youth when continually being personally exposed to and witnessing similar events regarding others. That experience grew more unpleasant in adulthood, as one example comes to mind.

Serving as a Marine Security Guard (MSG) in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil, I was verbally reprimanded by senior Marines for not wanting to participate in a “gambling night” for members of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA; also known as “spooks”), because I was morally opposed.

Not only wasn’t I fond of how spooks manipulated political matters in South America, but I was religiously opposed to alcohol and gambling. Nevertheless, I was ordered to play “bartender” and “blackjack dealer” for spooks who appeared to be satisfied with exploiting MSGs.

“They support our Marine Corps birthday ball,” a senior Marine barked, “so we’re gonna show gratitude for how well they treat us!” One imagines that spooks and their guests told many tales of how supposedly wonderful it was to receive special treatment from lower-class Marines.

For many years, I self-disturbed with irrational beliefs which caused disgust (and more) about exploitation and social oppression. Favorably, I eventually learned of a psychotherapeutic modality that afforded me an opportunity to transition from disturbance to mere distress.

Explicitly, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, as this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-distress or -disturbance.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Unpleasantly, I experienced cycles of healthy and unhealthy negative emotions correlated with exploitation. First, I was reasonably disgusted (healthy). I later ruminated with self-disturbing beliefs, as I then experienced revulsion (unhealthy). According to one REBT source (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [i.e., Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Disgust is an organically occurring emotion, as well as one that can stem from beliefs. Naturally, my flexible beliefs about exploitation and social oppression when in a children’s home and in the Corps resulted in disgust (distress), which I argue is a healthy outcome regarding such behavior.

Nevertheless, I admittedly dwelled on matters and used inflexible beliefs which unhealthily resulted in revulsion (a sense of utter distaste or repugnance that is stronger than disgust). That self-disturbed outcome didn’t serve well my interests and goals to engage with other people.

Now, when imagining whether or not people can do a good deed without telling others about it—especially given the advent of smartphones and social media which thankfully weren’t present when I was in a children’s home or the Corps—I consider a Marcus Aurelius quote (page 216):

One person, on doing well by others, immediately accounts the expected favor in return. Another is not so quick, but still considers the person a debtor and knows the favor.

A third kind of person acts as if not conscious of the deed, rather like a vine producing a cluster of grapes without making further demands, like a horse after its race, or a dog after its walk, or a bee after making its honey.

Such a person, having done a good deed, won’t go shouting from rooftops but simply moves on to the next deed just like the vine produces another bunch of grapes in the right season.

I appreciate the third kind of individual proposed by Aurelius while I also unconditionally accept that the first and second types of people exist. My beliefs about charitable braggarts result in a distressfully disgusting outcome. Personally, this is preferable to disturbed revulsion.

Now, I invite you to consider the psychoeducational lesson contained herein. Imagine doing a good deed without telling others about it. Further, envision health distress or unhealthy disturbance regarding such actions. Perhaps you simply don’t care enough to feel anything at all.

If the latter is your case, then wonderful! The takeaway herein regards those of us who actually care enough to maintain specific beliefs about charitable behavior. Thus, I encourage you to opt for a healthy versus unhealthy outcome. This can be the instance even when exploitation occurs.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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