Is That What You're Upset About?

[DISCLAIMER]

They Didn’t Care About Us

Growing up, I learned that many Italians apparently didn’t care much for black people. Being biracial (black and white), I discovered that the Italian word “moolie” was a pejorative term used for the race with which I mostly identified in my youth, similar to the Mexican term “mayate.”

It didn’t matter which Romance language was used, I understood that being considered a “nigger” in any dialect reflected bigotry (obstinate or intolerant devotion to one’s own opinions and prejudices). Such influence of intolerant beliefs on behavior was something I experienced.

For instance, the girl to whom I lost my virginity when in high school was of Italian descent. Her dad offered for me to help clean his shotgun on one occasion. Another time, he engaged in a vehicle chase in pursuit of me around their rural property. He didn’t much care for me.

Also in high school, I befriended gangbangers. One particular gang set was directly affiliated with a predominantly Mexican prison gang and criminal organization. A leader of the local gang instructed members not to affiliate with “mayates,” yet I was white enough for friendship.

Being that I was open to the prospect of companionship with people of any race, ethnicity, nationality, or culture, I comprehended that others didn’t really care about black people. However, my intellectual understanding didn’t stop me from self-disturbing in regard to bigotry.

REBT

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

These self-disturbed outcomes include cognitive, emotive, sensational, and behavioral reactions. Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.

Although people maintain all sorts of wacky beliefs, there are generally four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to self-disturb: global evaluation, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. For easy recall, think of the acronym GLAD.

As an example, I learned that many Italians maintained bigoted views about blacks (Action). I then Believed, “Life sucks [G], because I can’t stand racism [L]. It’s terrible that Italians don’t care for us black people [A], because people should treat every race with respect [D].”

With my unaccommodating attitude, I experienced the Consequence of ruminating thoughts (cognitive), sorrow (emotive), pain within my abdomen (sensational), and I sulked (behavioral). A retroactive simple Dispute to my assumptions is, “So what if they don’t care about us?”

Therefore, a logical and reasonable (collectively “rational”) Effective new belief is, “Even if others don’t care about black people, I can care for myself.” When using the ABC model, an individual may un-disturb oneself through consideration of more adaptive self-narratives.

Additionally, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

For instance, in my youth, I could’ve admitted that I was merely a fallible human being with little control and influence in life (USA). Similarly, other people are flawed individuals with limited abilities to change matters in their existence (UOA).

In fact, life itself is an imperfect experience of an impermanent and uncertain nature regarding which most people have exceedingly diminutive control and influence (ULA). Given perspectives of USA, UOA, and ULA, I could’ve tolerated and accepted that bigotry exists.

When providing clients with psychoeducational lessons on REBT, I advocate understanding of, belief in, and frequent practice of the ABC model and UA. Yet, I don’t seek to challenge all assumptions an individual maintains—only those with which a person self-upsets.

Chicken Fried Rice and A Bronx Tale

Given that I can accept that many Italians don’t care about black people, I’m not self-disturbed regarding bigotry. Still, I find it a curious matter that so many rappers apparently glamorize culture from a group of individuals that ostensibly doesn’t much care for these black entertainers.

As an example, rapper Yo Gotti’s stage name presumably pays homage to John Joseph Gotti Jr. who was an Italian Mafioso and boss of the Gambino crime family in New York City. Similar to the Mexican gang members I befriended, John Gotti reportedly espoused “anti-black” views.

Apparently, rappers Yo Gotti and Jim Jones unconditionally accepted that many Italians don’t care for blacks. I say this, because on his 2018 album Wasted Talent Jim Jones featured samples from the 1993 coming-of-age crime drama film A Bronx Tale.

The film chronicles the experience of an Italian boy, Calogero, who befriends a Mafioso named Sonny. As an example, in Jim Jones’s song “Chicken Fried Rice” which features Yo Gotti, an audio sample of A Bronx Tale is featured in the outro thusly:

Sonny: So you must be pretty upset after the Yankees lost.

Calogero: Bill Mazeroski, I hate him. He made Mickey Mantle cry. The paper said that the Mick was crying.

Sonny: Mickey Mantle? Is that what you’re upset about? Mickey Mantle makes a hundred thousand dollars a year. How much does your father make?

Calogero: I don’t know.

Sonny: You don’t know? Well, see if your father can’t pay the rent, go ask Mickey Mantle and see what he tells you. Mickey Mantle don’t care about you, so why should you care about him? Nobody cares!

Per one source, “[Mantle] said he couldn’t stop crying after the Yankees lost the last game of the 1960 World Series to the Pittsburgh Pirates. After the loss to the Pirates on [Mazeroski’s] home run in the final inning, the Yankees ‘walked off the field like zombies,’ Mantle said.”

Through the lens of REBT, I recognize that losing a game (Action) wasn’t what caused Mantle to cry (Consequence). There simply was not an Action-Consequence (A-C) connection in play (pardon the pun).

Rather, a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection accurately represents this matter. The Yankees lost to the Pirates (Action) and Mantle maintained an unfavorable Belief, as it was this attitude that caused the Consequence of sorrow (emotion) and crying (behavior).

Likewise, Calogero wasn’t upset about Mazeroski presumably having made Mantle cry. Rather than an A-C connection, Calogero’s B-C connection is why he was upset. When thinking about this matter, I’m reminded of a recent interaction I had with a longtime friend of mine (“Moby”).

Moby upset himself using a B-C connection in regard to the behavior of President Donald Trump. Using the Sonny Dispute to Moby’s unfavorable Belief that caused self-upset, some variation of the following dialogue unfolded thusly:

Moby: I’m so upset with Trump, and how he’s so hit-or-miss on his campaign promises!

Me: Upset? What’s there to be upset about? Do you think Kamala Harris would’ve behaved any differently?

Moby: Oh, no, no, no.

Me: Do you think that any politician would’ve acted differently than Trump?

Moby: No, not really.

Me: Here’s how I see it, and I admit this isn’t a perfect analogy. I don’t vote, yet I know you do. So think of us sitting in the same baseball stadium along with the rest of the population of the United States. You bought your ticket, representing your vote, and I’m along for the ride.

There’s an argument to be made about revenue of the stadium representing taxes. Instead of votes, each person has our money syphoned from us—which could include the cost of admission, concessions, and other matters. Though, let’s keep this simple with just the voting aspect.

Our seats aren’t great, as we can barely see the players on the field. We know that the Republicans, “MAGA,” or whatever name they’re going by these days are playing the Democrats. It’s red against blue on the field.

MAGA wins. Part of the crowd erupts in excitement, others in attendance are outraged, and then there are people like me who aren’t emotional about it—we’re simply watching people react as though their votes somehow actually mattered. You with me so far?

Moby: Yes.

Me: Okay, how many of the MAGA players on the field know who you are?

Moby: None.

Me: How many of them, by your best guess, care anything about you—the person they don’t even know exists?

Moby: None.

Me: Not even the most valuable player, Trump? He doesn’t know or care about you?

Moby: No, not really.

Me: Yet, you’re upset about how he’s behaving after having won the ticket contest?

Moby: When you put it like that—

Me: Trump don’t care about you, so why should you care about him? From where I’m seated in the stadium, nobody on that field cares, nor should they!

Moby expressed that he understood the Sonny Dispute to my friend’s unhelpful attitude. Do you comprehend it? Although you may assume that politicians preferably should care about you, will you be upset when you discover otherwise? Is that what you’re upset about?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Property of Savoy Pictures, fair use

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