I recently enjoyed much-needed respite from my typical day-to-day activities when spending time with my high school friend “Moby” and his family. During the visit, and for some reason I can’t fully explain, one of Moby’s children asked my friend and I if we’d ever been arrested.
I’ll discuss my answer to that question momentarily. However, I’ll first ask that you forgive me personal anecdote aside from the visit with Moby. Throughout my youth, my late mom used to tell me that I’d end up in prison like one of my uncles. And for the longest time, I believed her.
My unfavorable beliefs about my mom’s taunting behavior resulted in fear of incarceration. Yet, dedicated practice of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) has allowed me the opportunity to resolve the unpleasant emotions associated with my beliefs regarding my mom’s advisement.
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Activating event occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
As an example, my late mom told me that I’d end up in prison (Activating event) and I Believed, “It would be awful if she’s right, because I couldn’t stand prion!” Rather than the Activating event, it was my Belief that caused an unpleasant emotional Consequence of fear.
Instead of remaining self-disturbed, I could’ve used Disputation which may’ve led to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. In essence, with the ABC model, I could’ve stopped needless suffering which was caused by unhelpful assumptions.
For many years after having experienced legal problems which included multiple arrests and three separate periods of detention in incarcerated settings, I self-disturbed through use of an unhelpful belief-consequence (B-C) connection. Along with fear, I also felt guilt and shame.
Helpfully, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve the sort of suffering I brought upon myself. This was ultimately accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
For instance, I’ve learned to unconditionally accept myself as a fallible human being who’s made more mistakes than I could ever remember. I’ll doubtlessly make many more.
Also, I’ve practiced unconditional acceptance of others who’ve judged me for my past behavior which twice landed me in a military brig and once in a civilian jail. Just as I make mistakes, other people will erroneously judge me without much context regarding my prior actions.
Likewise, I continue the helpful practice of unconditionally accepting that life is an imperfect experience. Once mistakes are made while being etched into the celestial fabric of one’s life, the flaws of yesteryear become unalterable in the present and I can tolerate and accept life as it is.
Therefore, when Moby’s son asked if I’d ever been apprehended by law enforcement officers, I healthily acknowledged my own fallibility. “Yes,” I said, “I’ve been arrested a number of times and I’ve even been to a military prison, as well as a civilian jail.”
Regarding my admission, I didn’t need a pardon—an excuse or forgiveness for a fault, offense, or discourtesy. Truly, I made mistakes in the past, learned from my behavior, and now I practice REBT in my personal and professional life – at times with people who’ve also been incarcerated.
In any case, during the visit with Moby and his family, I further learned of Hunter Biden’s pardon from his dad President Joe Biden. For context, one source reports:
President Joe Biden’s decision to pardon his son has left some Democrats fuming over his choice to repeatedly and unequivocally claim that he would never take that step, even though a pardon long appeared possible to Hunter Biden’s legal team.
The “fuming” consequence Democrats have apparently experienced is caused by a B-C connection in regard to what I presume is considered an undesirable activating event in the form of a pardon. For additional context, consider what I stated in a blogpost entitled Tunnel Vision:
I have no problem with Hunter Biden who I recognize as a fallible human being. However, I do take issue with President Biden trampling on Second Amendment protections of U.S. citizens while downplaying the alleged behavior of his son.
Now, it appears as though Hunter Biden will enjoy a politically-influenced legal remedy not made available to those of us who’ve been required to take personal responsibility and accountability for our own behavior. Regarding this matter, I’m not self-disturbed.
Continued use of REBT allows me to acknowledge how little control and influence I have in life. Therefore, I can disrupt unfavorable B-C connections. As such, I acknowledge Hunter and Joe Biden’s fallibility in the same way as I unconditionally accept my own imperfection.
Unhelpfully, people often disturb themselves when not disrupting their own B-C connections. When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of hip hop group Arrested Development’s song “Pardon You for Disrupting,” featuring MRK SX, as the hook states:
Pardon you for disrupting
My melancholy, my woe-is-me, so I lust thing
My, I’ve-been-hurt-by-them, so I don’t trust thing
So pardon you for disrupting my melancholy; sometimes it’s truly folly, but
Baby I am just adjusting [x6]
Speech, the lyricist who sang the hook, describes a victimhood narrative. However, he appears to have healthy intellectual and emotional insight when describing how another person disrupted his B-C connection. Healthily, the lyricist adds that he’s “adjusting” to his situation.
Presumably, Speech understands that even if he were to remain self-disturbed the lyricist could tolerate the unpleasant experience of self-disturbance. As the song progresses, Speech then reveals why it was that he asked for a pardon in the first place:
I never said this
But I got a problem in my head, miss
Got a mental illness
I have emotional stress
There’s many things I won’t admit
Not just to you but to my clique
I realize I need some help
And I just can’t relieve myself
And I don’t got the money for therapy
Only money enough for us to eat
And I’m sunny enough to please the child in me
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose custody
And it’s not just the deep sin in me
My sinful nature or the enemy
There’s something deeper more substantive
So now I love in the company of indecision and insecurity
Juxtapose that with moral purity, if you’re questioning my maturity
I drop jewels but I’ve been dropped, too, so maybe I’m just some damaged jewelry
So baby maybe you should not be so sure of me, please
In his verse, Speech admits his own fallibility. Similar to how I was once subject to incarceration, and how Hunter Biden experienced his own legal woes, Speech essentially remains imprisoned in the self-imposed torment of unfavorable beliefs about his imperfection.
Perhaps the lyricist wouldn’t be as fortunate as Hunter Biden by receiving a pardon from an outside source. After all, pardons appear to be the exceptions which prove the existence of the rule regarding human judgment toward those who inevitably make mistakes in our lifetimes.
Therefore, rather than waiting for an unlikely pardon, Speech could set himself free through the helpful practice of REBT. In this way, the lyricist wouldn’t implore others for a pardon. Instead, he could use the ABC model and UA.
This is how I resolved fear, guilt, and shame in regard to my unaccommodating beliefs about legal woes. A helpful approach to rational living may also benefit you. If you’d like to know more about how REBT may set you free by disrupting the B-C connection, I’m here to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Arrested Development. (2020, October 19). Pardon You for Disrupting (feat. MRK SX) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/bKpbowtpktc?si=wY-sE9uEwGPqGaqg
Discogs. (n.d.). MRK SX. Retrieved from https://www.discogs.com/artist/6628328-MRK-SX
Hollings, D. (2024, October 18). ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/abc-model
Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions
Hollings, D. (2024, August 7). Awfulizing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/awfulizing
Hollings, D. (2023, May 18). BetterHelp yourself. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/betterhelp-yourself
Hollings, D. (2022, November 18). Big T, little t. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/big-t-little-t
Hollings, D. (2022, May 17). Circle of concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/circle-of-concern
Hollings, D. (2024, March 19). Consequences. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/consequences
Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2024, May 11). Fallible human being. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fallible-human-being
Hollings, D. (2022, November 13). Fear. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fear
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (2024, August 27). Guilt and shame are choices. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/guilt-and-shame-are-choices
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2024, May 27). Intellectual vs. emotional insight. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/intellectual-vs-emotional-insight
Hollings, D. (2023, May 18). Irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 21). Matching bracelets. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/matching-bracelets
Hollings, D. (2024, March 4). Mental, emotional, and behavioral health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mental-emotional-and-behavioral-health
Hollings, D. (2024, October 14). Mistakes. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mistakes
Hollings, D. (2023, October 2). Morals and ethics. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/morals-and-ethics
Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude
Hollings, D. (2024, April 22). On disputing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-disputing
Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
Hollings, D. (2022, November 7). Personal ownership. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-ownership
Hollings, D. (2023, March 20). Practice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/practice
Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities
Hollings, D. (2024, March 21). Putting toothpaste back into the tube. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/putting-toothpaste-back-into-the-tube
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2024, May 15). Rational living. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-living
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, November 3). Self-love and self-respect. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-love-and-self-respect
Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Sensation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sensation
Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought
Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing
Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a
Hollings, D. (2024, September 17). The E-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-e-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2023, February 16). Tna. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tna
Hollings, D. (2023, May 24). Trust words. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/trust-words
Hollings, D. (2023, July 3). Tunnel vision. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tunnel-vision
Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux
Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions
Hollings, D. (2022, November 25). Victimhood. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/victimhood
Lee, M. J., Reid, P., and Williams, M. (2024, December 3). Democrats left fuming over Biden’s decision to pardon his son — after he repeatedly said he wouldn’t. CNN. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2024/12/02/politics/biden-allies-disappointed-pardon/index.html
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Arrested Development (group). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrested_Development_(group)
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Hunter Biden. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hunter_biden
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Joe Biden. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Biden
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Speech (rapper). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speech_(rapper)
Comments