Seeing Matters as They Are

[DISCLAIMER]

When on voluntary appellate leave from the Marine Corps, as I worked in the field of nuclear security, I continued my lifelong pursuit of amateur photography. At that time, I also befriended a dancer from a local strip club who I’d met on Myspace. I’ll call her “Tweety.”

Tweety introduced me to a bartender at the club, as I began an intimate partner relationship with the latter. I didn’t like the social atmosphere of strip clubs, the finessing of money by dancers from foolishly behaved customers, or an environment in which substance abuse was rampant.

Still, I reasoned that my friend and girlfriend worked in the setting and that consenting adults were all willing participants in their own outcomes. Therefore, I frequented the club without actively participating in its business model (e.g., simping for dancers).

That gave me a unique perspective regarding the inner-workings of strip club subculture. I was able to see matters as they were, not as I envisioned them. Of course, I didn’t learn lessons on my own. Fascinatingly, Tweety put me up on game about how dancers sold dreams to customers.

Describing the phrase “selling dreams,” one source states “When someone gives you what-if scenarios that could hypothetically come true, giving false hope[,] and then you finding out that they sold you words (a “dream”), that could never be achieved.” Many dreams are sold at clubs.

Being that I’ve been a fan and participant in hip hop subculture since elementary school, I’ve had lifelong teaching about game from a masculine perspective. As an example, I think of the album Mobstability (1998) by Twista and the Speedknot Mobstaz, and how the song “Dreams” states:

[Part of verse two]

I can see your eyes undressing me

Girl, it’s destiny, and love is the recipe

But this way’s got the best of me

On everything, I can guarantee you better things

If you just get rid of what’s-his-name

And let me in your world

So I can show you, baby, that my love is real and not a game

So, can a brother come through?

So I can show you, boo, just exactly what I mean

It don’t matter if you fuck me tonight or next month

Babe, only time can reveal a dream

[Chorus]

Hey lover, am I the only one?

Or are you selling your baby a dream?

(Am I who you thinkin’ of, who you thinkin’ of?)

Hey lover boy, am I the only one?

Or are you selling your baby a dream?

(Am I a sucker for love, a sucker for love?)

Unhelpfully, some males (boys and men) I’ve known have advocated lying to females (girls and women) in order to achieve success with personal interests and goals (e.g., having sex). Yet, due to ignorance, I wasn’t aware that females engaged in similar behavior.

Tweety remedied my ignorance about feminine game. As I befriended other dancers, I learned that there wasn’t a single stripper in the entire club that wasn’t selling dreams to customers. Meanwhile, mostly adult-aged male customers imprudently parted with their money.

When envisioning a dreamlike scenario that was sold to them, these individuals irrationally believed that if they forked over enough money they’d garner favor with the dancers. However, those customers didn’t see matters as they were. Regarding this topic, I’m reminded of a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Seeing matters as they are requires truthful examination of reality (as much as one can). This entails setting aside unhelpful bias (as much as one can). Concerning this approach, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius who stated (page 132):

Just as when meat or other foods are set before us we think, this is a dead fish, a dead bird or pig; and also, this fine wine is only the juice of a bunch of grapes, this purple-edged robe just sheep’s wool dyed in a bit of blood from a shellfish; or of sex, that it is only rubbing private parts together followed by a spasmic discharge—in the same way our impressions grab actual events and permeate them, so we see them as they really are.

I’ve used Aurelius’s approach to rational living when providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT to others. As an example, I stated in a blogpost Luv(sic)—that I shared with one of my female clients:

I suppose one could argue from a materialist perspective, declaring that the chemical composition of attraction—or what many refer to as being “in love”—is comprised by fluctuation of dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and phenylethylamine.

Essentially, we get ourselves high when romantically attracted to others. However, this process isn’t solely a biological matter. The consequence of our beliefs may have a lot to do with it.

The client with whom I shared that post self-disturbed, because she desired to believe in the dream she sold herself—that being in love was some form of ethereal experience which meant that to whomever she was romantically talking represented true love (i.e., magical thinking).

In essence, she believed “if I’m attracted to someone, then the product of my attraction must result in long-term togetherness.” That’s precisely how customers at the strip club deceived themselves (i.e., if I pay enough money to a dancer, then my patronage must yield connection).

Of course, that’s not how life necessarily works. Time and time again, Tweety showed me how gullible her customers were. Even regarding game that she shared with me, Tweety adhered to an old maxim: the game is to be sold, not told.

Although I didn’t pay Tweety any money, I exchanged free photography services for information. In return, I was able to see matters as they were. In relation to this topic, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 132):

There is one Stoic exercise that might well be described as contemptuous expressions. Stoics use an almost cynical language as a way to dismantle some of the fanciest or most coveted parts of life. Marcus’s joke about sex—why would he say something like that?

Well, if you take a second to consider sex in such an absurd light, you may be less likely to do something shameful or embarrassing in the pursuit of it. It’s a counterbalance to the natural bias we have toward something that feels really good.

It may feel good (i.e., joyous or pleasurable) to lie to yourself about how a stripper supposedly adores you, because you’ve paid for affection. It may also feel good to dishonestly conclude that because you love someone, that love must last a lifetime. Are you seeing matters as they are?

I argue in the negative. Ultimately, when that strip club dancer or intimate partner eventually moves on to someone else, what may you say to yourself regarding your self-impaired outlook? You blinded yourself! About this reality, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 132):

We can apply this same way of thinking to a lot of things that people prize. Consider that envy-inducing photo you see on social media—imagine the person painstakingly staging it. What about that job promotion that means so much?

Look at the lives of other so-called successful people. Still think it holds magical power? Money, which we want more of and are reluctant to part with—consider how covered in bacteria and filth it is. That beautiful, perfect person you’re admiring from afar?

Remember that if they’re single, other people must have dumped them at some point. There must be something wrong with them. This exercise won’t turn you into a cynic. But it will provide some much-needed objectivity.

In light of this view, I asked Tweety why some dancers wiped down the strip pole while others didn’t. “Some of these bitches are dirty,” she responded, “so those of us who care about hygiene will wipe that shit down! I don’t want a staph infection from one of these dirty bitches!”

That’s game! I was able to see through the veil of physical attraction and into the realm of reality. Seeing matters as they are, I realized that whatever dream was being sold to customers on the main floor or in the VIP (very important person) room was merely an illusion.

After all, there weren’t any actual VIPs—dancers or customers alike. They were all merely fallible human beings playing their role in the strip club. Now, I share this psychoeducational lesson on game with you (and for free, no doubt).

See matters as they are, sell yourself a dream, or do whatever you conclude will best serve your interests and goals. The choice is yours. Personally, I’ll reduce matters to their actual value, as was demonstrated by Aurelius. In doing so, I can move forward with clarity in this life.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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