There’s a scene in the fantasy drama television series Game of Thrones in which the character Cersei of House Lannister is subjected to a walk of atonement, in the nude, as a bell is rung while another individual escorts her through a public setting when loudly stating “shame!”
Colloquially, shame is defined as a painful or unpleasant emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. Expanding upon this description, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines shame thusly:
[A] highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social intercourse—for example, by hiding or distracting the attention of another from one’s shameful action—which can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships. Shame may motivate not only avoidant behavior but also defensive, retaliative anger.
Psychological research consistently reports a relationship between proneness to shame and a host of psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem. Shame is also theorized to play a more positive adaptive function by regulating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and excitement and by diffusing potentially threatening social behavior.
Although closely related, shame and guilt are different emotional experiences. Colloquially, guilt is defined as an unpleasant feeling of deserving blame, especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy. According to the APA, guilt is defined thusly:
[A] self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong. It is distinct from shame, in which there is the additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule.
Regardless of the defining source, shame is considered uncomfortable. When providing psychoeducational lessons about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I invite people to consider that guilt originates from inside oneself while shame is initiated outside of oneself.
In the case of Cersei, she experienced guilt regarding her actions (internal orientation) while others shamed her behavior (external orientation). Noteworthy, in a blogpost entitled Guilt and Shame Are Choices, I stated:
The rejection of blame is an important component of REBT practice, as blame is a core element of both guilt and shame. Therefore, I don’t blame myself for an imperfect nature (guilt) while also not co-endorsing blame assigned to me by others [shame].
Regarding this perspective, practice of the ABC model and unconditional acceptance affords an individual the opportunity to reject shame which is cast from others. Helpfully, one REBT source offers healthy distress alternative feelings to unhealthy disturbance emotions (page 33):
Unhealthy negative emotion (UNE): anxiety / healthy negative emotion (HNE): concern
UNE: depression / HNE: sadness
UNE: guilt / HNE: remorse
UNE: shame / HNE: disappointment
UNE: hurt / HNE: sorrow
UNE: unhealthy anger / HNE: healthy anger
UNE: unhealthy jealousy / HNE: healthy jealousy
UNE: unhealthy envy / HNE: healthy envy
While it’s understandable to assume that psychotherapy would lead to resolution of all negative emotions, this simply isn’t the case. Complete relief from fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, guilt, shame, jealousy, envy, and so forth is known as death.
Therefore, REBT differentiates between UNE and HNE for the living amongst us. Regarding this matter, the aforementioned REBT source clarifies thusly (page 33):
REBT’s distinction between UNEs and HNEs follows logically from REBT’s position on the difference between irrational (i.e. rigid and extreme) beliefs and rational (i.e. flexible and nonextreme) beliefs.
On the latter difference, REBT theory holds that rational and irrational beliefs are qualitatively different. This means that while a person holds a rational belief about an adversity, it is not possible for that person to hold an irrational belief about that adversity and vice versa.
Instead of internalizing shame (disturbance) from external condemnation, Cersei could’ve merely acknowledged her fallible nature while being disappointed by her behavior (distress). This distress versus disturbance distinction relates to the difference between UNEs and HNEs.
Thus, resolution of self-disturbance is one of the main objectives of REBT. However, full relief from other unpleasant, uncomfortable, or negative emotions isn’t the goal of this psychotherapeutic modality.
When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of the 1993 album Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) by hip hop collective Wu-Tang Clan. The joint featured a track called “Shame on a Nigga” in which group members describe consequences of violating their demanding beliefs.
Memorably, the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard (ODB), a Wu-Tang Clan member, stated of unacknowledged shame, “I’ll fuck yo ass up!” Then, on his debut studio album Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version (1995), ODB again addressed shame.
On the track “Brooklyn Zoo,” ODB repeatedly stated in the chorus, “Shame on you when you step through to the Ol’ Dirty Bastard!” It’s reminiscent of Cersei’s walk of atonement wherein externally-originated shame is cast upon an individual.
In my lifetime, I’ve been shamed by others. At times, I’ve heard people state “shame on you” while I unfavorably adopted uncomfortable and arguably unhealthy negative emotion. Now, I know better. If I knew better, I’d do better. Because I can’t change the past, I now do better.
While I’m disappointed in some of the behavior I’ve exhibited in life, I’m not shameful. Even if someone says “I’ll fuck yo ass up” if I don’t acknowledge projected shame, I don’t have to accept the unpleasant emotion. In that extreme case, looks like we gon’ be squabbin’!
Of course, I’d prefer for things not to accelerate to that point. As such, I advocate practice of REBT techniques while rejecting shame, promoting the non-aggression principle, and remaining open to teach others about how to decrease disturbance while settling for mere distress.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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