The 5 Stages

[DISCLAIMER]

Throughout my adolescent years I heard people referencing the 5 stages of grief, which were proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, as this method of processing the experience of death and dying was often invoked. For context, one source states of this psychotherapeutic model:

In 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the “5 Stages of Death,” also known as the “5 Stages of Grief®,” the “5 Stages of Loss®,” or simply “The 5 Stages.” These stages—Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance—reflect common emotional responses to change, loss, or shock.

While they are often depicted in a linear sequence for clarity, Kübler-Ross emphasized in her 1974 book, “Questions and Answers on Death & Dying,” that these stages are not necessarily experienced in a fixed order.

She also noted that these stages are applicable to various forms of grief, change, and loss. Additionally, her work explored other emotional responses, including partial denial, anticipatory grief, shock, hope, guilt, and anxiety.

As a teen, person X would say to person Y, “My grandmother died.” Person Y would reply, “I’m sorry to hear that. What stage are you in?” Perhaps through misunderstanding, person X was expected to traverse each stage in order. Still, one source states of Kübler-Ross’ method:

Criticisms of this five-stage model of grief center mainly on a lack of empirical research and empirical evidence supporting the stages as described by Kübler-Ross and, to the contrary, empirical support for other modes of the expression of grief. Moreover, it was suggested that Kübler-Ross’ model is the product of a particular culture at a particular time and might not be applicable to people of other cultures.

Not only did people from my youth miscomprehend that Kübler-Ross’ stages weren’t to be experienced in a fixed order; others who have researched the 5 stages question its reliability and validity. For instance, one source states:

Notably, scientific sources have drawn attention to the absence of a body of empirical research and lack of validity regarding the model. Clinicians have pointed to potential negative consequences for bereaved people who do not “conform” by going through the stages but who think that they should be experiencing them.

When attending graduate school for counseling, I was cautioned about placing too much emphasis on the 5-stage model. Still, I was encouraged to consider that similar skepticism could be used with virtually all psychological models, concepts, techniques, and so forth.

Noteworthy, while undergoing education to become a counselor, one professor showed an episode of Robot Chicken to the class. Even though I’d never read Kübler-Ross’ 1969 book On Death and Dying, the Claymation episode improved my understanding of Kübler-Ross’ model.

The transcription of the episode is as follows:

(A giraffe finds himself stuck in quicksand.)

Giraffe: Uh-oh.

(A screen reminiscent of old-school TV appears with the words STAGE ONE ~ DENIAL while an organ plays a haunting, short melody. The screen returns to the giraffe, who has sank lower in the quicksand.)

Giraffe: It’s no big deal… it’s probably not even quicksand. I’mma have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. (Chuckles nervously)

(A screen reminiscent of old-school TV appears with the words STAGE TWO ~ ANGER. The screen returns to the giraffe, who is only a little deeper in the quicksand.)

Giraffe: Well this is just f**king perfect! Stupid quicksand; stupid jungle!! (Grunts), I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherf**ker! Motherf**ker!! Motherf**ker!!! Agh, f**k!! This stupid jungle (groans). F**k!!

(A screen reminiscent of old-school TV appears with the words STAGE THREE ~ BARGAINING. The screen returns to the giraffe, who is only a little deeper in the quicksand.)

Giraffe: Are you there, God? It’s me, Giraffe. L-listen, if you would just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise… I promise… no more peeing on your shorter creatures. (Chuckes, stuttering): Wh—d’ya--got a deal?

(A screen reminiscent of old-school TV appears with the words STAGE FOUR ~ DEPRESSION. The screen returns to the giraffe, who is now halfway up the neck in quicksand.)

Giraffe: (Sobbing loudly) Mommy!

(A screen reminiscent of old-school TV appears with the words STAGE FIVE ~ ACCEPTANCE. The screen returns to the giraffe, who is now up to his chin in quicksand.)

Giraffe: You know somethin’? I’m cool with this. I-I bet… I bet Heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat… and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah… take me, sweet death! I await your loving embrace! (The giraffe’s head thunks on the quicksand.) Oomph. Wha…? I think I hit the bottom. (Struggles a moment, to no avail.) F**k…

(A small rodent comes and stands by the quicksand, squeaking for a moment. The giraffe then motions his head to let the mouse use it as a stepping stone across the sand, as the mouse does just that and we cut to static.)

My counseling program professor noted that although the Robot Chicken episode depicted the 5 stages in linear fashion, students were invited to consider that some people experience only a couple stages, some people endure all in a different order, and some people experience none.

With that much variance, Kübler-Ross’ stages weren’t my go-to method for navigating the complexity of death and dying. Alternatively, it was during graduate school that I focused my studies on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

For context, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA). Not all people use UA the same.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Admittedly, Covey’s conceptual circles may be as easily dismissed as Kübler-Ross’ stages. Nonetheless, I find it helpful to use his model when traversing the intricate matter of mortality. For instance, consider the giraffe from the Robot Chicken episode.

He could’ve recognized that regardless of whether or not he experienced any of Kübler-Ross’ stages, he had control over his reaction to the potential of death (USA). As well, he may’ve admitted that the rodent who used him as a stepping stone was merely a fallible creature (UOA).

Besides, it isn’t as though others absolutely must help him when in a bind. Also, it’s a matter of fact that each and every living being – giraffes, small rodents, human beings, you, and I – will inescapably die. We may have some control or influence in this regard, though not much (ULA).

Given this perspective, UA is akin to Kübler-Ross’ final stage of acceptance. Whether or not her psychotherapeutic model is entirely reliable and valid is of little consequence to me. What I consider most relevant from her contribution to humanity is that we accept death and dying.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, property of Adult Swim, fair use

References:

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