What Does It Matter?

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons to clients on the practice of unconditional acceptance (UA), one of the two major techniques of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I sometimes receive repudiation of this helpful approach to rational living. Allow me to explain.

REBT uses the technique of UA to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA). Daily practice of this tool can increase your competence.

The other useful tool of REBT is the ABC model which illustrates how when undesirable Actions occur and you use unfavorable Beliefs, it’s your assumptions and not the events which cause unpleasant Consequences. Disputing such attitudes is a method of un-disturbing yourself.

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method to relieve self-created suffering. Rather than using rigid self-narratives, you could instead consider flexible UA attitudes. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Usually, I find that people understand and believe in the ABC model. However, convincing these individuals to frequently practice the technique is another matter altogether. Also, from time to time, some clients offhandedly dismiss the practice of UA. They refuse to even consider it.

When recently discussing this matter with one such individual, my client described UA as a “cop-out” (backing out of personal responsibility and accountability, and avoidance of problems or commitments). Deliberating the topic further, the following dialogue was revealing to me:

Me: The term “cop-out” may mean something different to me than it does to you. What do you mean when suggesting that UA is a cop-out?

Client: Well, UA is kinda like saying, “What does it matter?” Some event I can’t control or influence occurs, as you say, and I’m going to throw my hands up and ask, “What does it matter, because I can’t do anything about it?”

Me: You admit that you have no control. Do you genuinely believe that?

Client: Yeah.

Me: And while you may be able to influence the event, how much influence do you actually have?

Client: I could do more than asking what it matters.

Me: Let’s take this out of abstraction by using a concreate example. You have one in mind?

Client: Sure. I don’t like the current administration.

Me: We’re talking the United States [U.S.] presidential administration?

Client: Absolutely!

Me: Got it. And you voted for the other candidate?

Client: Yes.

Me: So you’ve already exercised what influence you had?

Client: I did.

Me: And that doesn’t mean you control outcomes?

Client: Right.

Me: Then what about acknowledging how little control and influence you have over the current U.S. administration seems like a “cop-out” to you?

Client: If I don’t at least do something to stand up to this fascist, then it’s as though I’m just giving up.

Me: I think I see the unhelpful if-then belief here. To recap, you control only yourself—and to a limited degree?

Client: Yes.

Me: You have very little influence over most matters in life, such as voting in a constitutional federal republic election, which doesn’t guarantee your preferred outcome?

Client: Right.

Me: And matters outside your spheres of control and influence are either in the sphere of concern or area of no concern, such as results of a past election which impact Actions of the current administration about which you maintain unfavorable Beliefs, and which cause unpleasant Consequences?

Client: Yes.

Me: Though, somehow, practice of UA in regard to such matters—over which you admit you now have no control or influence to effect change—is as if you’re backing out of personal responsibility and accountability, because you must do something?

Client: [lengthy pause] It just feels like I’m giving up, like I’m asking, “What does it matter?”

Me: I see. Can something matter to you even if you have no ability to change it?

Client: Yes, I guess.

Me: It matters to me that you’re self-disturbing by refusing to use the technique you’re paying me to provide. It matters to me that you’re losing sleep, angrily engaging with people online, and challenging me on sociopolitical ideology in many of our sessions together. And yet, I’ve been unable to change your mind to a degree such that you’ll get out of your own way. You repudiate use of UA; all because you inflexibly believe that you must do something when there’s nothing you can actually do.

Client: [lengthy pause]

Me: So what I’m wondering is, do you truly believe that something can matter to you even if you have no ability to change it?

Client: Yes, it can.

Me: You’re not guessing that it can matter?

Client: No, it can matter.

Me: Then do you comprehend that while you and your outcome regarding the services I provide matter to me, I can’t control or change you—even as I continue trying to influence your perspective?

Client: Yeah, I get that.

Me: Then do you also acknowledge that UA isn’t the same as throwing your hands up and asking, “What does it matter, because I can’t do anything about it?”

Client: Yes, you’re right.

Me: [Client name], I’m not concerned with being right. Rather, I’m more focused on trying to get you to use the services for which you’re paying your hard-earned money—which includes frequent practice of UA. Otherwise, what are we doing here?

My client eventually expressed understanding that UA isn’t a dismissive method, as this person now practices the helpful technique while remaining largely frustrated, annoyed, or disappointed with the current presidential administration. This is healthy distress, not unhealthy disturbance.

When thinking of my client’s formerly inaccurate conception of UA, I’m reminded of responses from three U.S. politicians. When then U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was questioned about the 2012 Benghazi attack, she replied, “What difference, at this point, does it make?”

I recall her calloused response being rightfully mocked. When then U.S President Joe Biden was questioned about the chaotic 2021 Afghanistan withdrawal, he said, “That was four days ago, five days ago!” To many, this was perceived as a cop-out response. This, too, was fairly mocked.

Recently, U.S. President Donald Trump responded to a question posed to U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi, regarding illogical and unreasonable handling of the Jeffrey Epstein files, stating, “Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy’s been talked about for years!”

Now, I’m mocking that reply. UA isn’t akin to a “what does it matter?” response. However, Trump’s reply represents deflection (diverting attention to a different topic and away from the self), and is the antithesis of a healthy UA approach.

Regarding his response, I have no control or influence. Yet, I do have the ability to change my perspective about it. In particular, Trump, his speech and gestures, and his behavior all remain within my circle of concern. I accept this reality without inflexible conditions to the contrary.

Thus, this is an empowering approach to well-being, because I don’t needlessly exert effort in the direction of spheres over which I have no control or influence. Instead of a “cop-out” method, UA allows me to focus on the spheres of life regarding which I may be able to change.

Perhaps you repudiate this helpful approach to rational living. Are you still talking about UA? That technique’s been talked about for years! What does it matter? (See what I did there?) Now that’s a cop-out approach to irrational living. I think I’ll stick with UA. How about you?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

ABC News. (2021, August 18). President Biden on Afghanistan withdrawal, Taliban takeover intelligence decisions l WNT [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/ISC8q9-t4SU?si=0Umvrc-9J3YoudpR

Associated Press. (2025, July 8). Trump asks reporter: ‘Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein?’ [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/Xl8VGy4r8us?si=-vIoLqdnLEi1nwuQ

CNN. (2016, July 21). Sen Benghazi HRG: Clinton –difference does it make [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/F66mGV8xKqo?si=DsQivvyVvvYZzyOY

Drobotdean. (n.d.). Confused man in white shirt shrugs his shoulder and looking at the camera [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/confused-man-white-shirt-shrugs-his-shoulder-looking-camera_7381016.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=28&uuid=0714750e-9886-440f-8a57-ccfd69380e32&query=shrugs

Hollings, D. (2024, May 22). A philosophical approach to mental health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/a-philosophical-approach-to-mental-health

Hollings, D. (2024, May 24). A scientific approach to mental health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/a-scientific-approach-to-mental-health

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2025, April 22). Bad ideas deserve to be mocked. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/bad-ideas-deserve-to-be-mocked

Hollings, D. (2024, June 13). Change feels strange. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/change-feels-strange

Hollings, D. (2022, May 17). Circle of concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/circle-of-concern

Hollings, D. (2024, July 11). Concern and no concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/concern-and-no-concern

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Conditional should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/conditional-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, April 22). Control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/control

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2025, June 17). Daily practice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/daily-practice

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2025, March 12). Distress vs. disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/distress-vs-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, December 30). Empowerment. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/empowerment

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2024, August 9). Healthy concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/healthy-concern

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason

Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude

Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings

Hollings, D. (2023, April 24). On truth. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-truth

Hollings, D. (2022, November 7). Personal ownership. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-ownership

Hollings, D. (2023, November 23). Problems. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/problems

Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, May 15). Rational living. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-living

Hollings, D. (2023, February 17). Revisiting the circle of control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/revisiting-the-circle-of-control

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought

Hollings, D. (2023, September 6). The absence of suffering. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-absence-of-suffering

Hollings, D. (2025, July 8). There is no war in Ba Sing Se. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/there-is-no-war-in-ba-sing-se

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, April 18). Tolerable FADs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tolerable-fads

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux

Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance

Hollings, D. (2024, January 16). Understanding, belief, and practice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/understanding-belief-and-practice

Hollings, D. (2024, September 29). Well, well, well. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/well-well-well

Wikipedia. (n.d.). 2012 Benghazi attack. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Benghazi_attack

Wikipedia. (n.d.). 2020–2021 U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2020%E2%80%932021_U.S._troop_withdrawal_from_Afghanistan

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Donald Trump. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Trump

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Fascism. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fascism

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Hillary Clinton. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hillary_Clinton

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Jeffrey Epstein. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Epstein

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Joe Biden. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Biden

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Pam Bondi. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pam_Bondi

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Stephen Covey. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Covey