Content With Settling, Not Seeking

[DISCLAIMER]

*Spoilers for A Big Bold Beautiful Journey (2025) contained herein.

Photo credit, property of Sony Pictures Releasing, fair use

A Big Bold Beautiful Journey

I recently watched A Big Bold Beautiful Journey (2025), a romantic fantasy film, with slight expectation for a particular outcome. To my surprise, I enjoyed it quite a bit! (With little doubt, I’ll be watching it again in the future.) Describing the plot, one source states:

Some doors bring you to your past. Some doors lead you to your future. And some doors change everything. Sarah (Margot Robbie) and David (Colin Farrell) are single strangers who meet at a mutual friend’s wedding and soon, through a surprising twist of fate, find themselves on A Big Bold Beautiful Journey - a funny, fantastical, sweeping adventure together where they get to re-live important moments from their respective pasts, illuminating how they got to where they are in the present…and possibly getting a chance to alter their futures.

At the time this post is drafted, the film has Rotten Tomatoes review scores of 36% by critics and 59% by audience members. However, the film was personally every bit as entertaining as the romantic fantasy drama film Meet Joe Black (1999), and I really enjoyed that one!

In any event, there was a pivotal scene in A Big Bold Beautiful Journey in which both Sarah and David confront their own dysfunctional intimate partner relationship patterns. Attending what ultimately turned out to be a double date with their ex-partners, they faced truth about reality.

When sitting at the same table and admitting to their respective exes as to why the past relationships failed, David and Sarah jointly say to their exes (in sequential order):

David: I was underwhelmed.

Sarah: I was overwhelmed.

David: I felt disappointed—

Sarah: —didn’t wanna be disappointed.

David: The thought of coming home to you every day made me—

Sarah: —breakout into hives.

David: I wasn’t happy with you—

Sarah: —or with me—

David and Sarah: —or us.

These perspectives were then challenged by David’s ex-fiancé and Sarah’s ex-boyfriend. This prompted both Sarah and David to then admit – mainly to themselves, though also to each of their corresponding exes:

Sarah: At first, I was really into you. I thought I’d met my match—someone just like me, someone who wanted to have fun and not care, someone who knew that this was all bullshit, and that it wasn’t gonna last. And then you changed. You started to care—really care!

Her ex: Because I fell in love with you.

Sarah: Yes! That! I didn’t ask for that. It was too much.

Her ex: I loved you too much?

Sarah: Yes. Yeah. No…yes. Yeah.

Her ex: So you leave me, because I love you?

Sarah: No! I leave you, because…‘cause you love some version of me that’s not me. And you don’t…you don’t know me. You, you never really knew me!

Her ex: And that’s my fault?

Sarah: [deep sigh representing emotional insight]

After Sarah contemplates her newfound realization, David’s ex asks, “And what about you?” I literally (yes, literally) laughed out loud when he responded, “Hard pass!” After all, it’s much easier not to face one’s own bullshit than to admit it. Still, the following dialogue then unfolds:

David: I am…I genuinely believed that I could make you happy, and that’s all I wanted—that hope is everything to me. It means that every day I’m pursuing you and I’m pleasing you. It’s beautiful. You know? It’s meaningful, until I have you and then it all becomes meaningless.

And then I start feeling myself again. You know the me that I was before we met. Except this time, I’m…I’m more tired. And then I…I wake up one morning and I…I’m about as fucking empty as I have ever been, and you’ll never make me happy.

His ex: That’s very, very cruel. No one’s good enough for you.

The views expressed by Sarah and David aren’t uncommon. Thus, as part of my daily practice of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I now view the film through the proverbial lens of the ABC model and unconditional acceptance (UA) while proving a psychoeducational lesson.

REBT: A Sarah and David Case Study

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

Noteworthy, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use when self-disturbing: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, I invite you to think of the acronym GLAD.

For example, when wanting a causal intimate partner relationship, Sarah’s boyfriend fell in love (Action). She then presumably Believed, “He’s useless [G], because I can’t stand [L] how horrible it is to be loved [A], as no one must love – and eventually leave – me [D]!”

With this self-disturbing GLAD narrative, Sarah’s Consequences gave way to ruminating thoughts about how love brings with it the potential for loss (cognitive), she felt scared (emotive) and jittery throughout her body (sensation), and she then dumped her boyfriend (behavioral).

In David’s case, he finally attained the woman he desired (Action). He then apparently Believed, “Love is worthless [G], as I can’t tolerate [L] how awful life is without unrelenting happiness [A], because I shouldn’t experience an emotional low once I’ve enjoyed love’s high [D]!”

Using this self-upsetting GLAD narrative, David’s Consequences resulted in racing thoughts about how he’d never experience unremitting ecstasy (cognitive), he felt disgust (emotive) and heaviness throughout his body (sensation), and he broke off his engagement (behavioral).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

The process of challenging personal philosophies of life can take longer than I care to demonstrate herein. Thus, in the interest of time imagine that instead of self-disturbing both Sarah and David used rigorous Disputation and came up with the following Effective new belief:

Seeking a good time, happiness, love, or other pleasant outcomes is what contributes to my self-disturbed condition. Rather than upsetting myself in this way, I can settle for contentment.

I view contentedness as a neutral baseline between positive (e.g., happy) and negative (e.g., sad) emotional experiences. According to one source:

Contentment is a state of being in which one is satisfied with their current life situation, and the state of affairs in one’s life as they presently are. If one is content, they are at inner peace with their situation and how the elements in one’s life are situated. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be content with one’s life regardless of the circumstance, regardless of whether things are going as one expected or not.

The root of the word contentment comes from the Latin contentus, which means “held together” or “intact, whole.” Originally, contentus was used to describe containers, literally things like cups, buckets, and barrels. Later, the word evolved into something that could reflect onto a person, which describes one who feels complete, with no desires beyond themselves.

Regarding the perspective of the ABC model, when seeking (going in search of: looking for) rather than settling (coming to rest), people with “desires beyond themselves” cause their own self-disturbance. Regarding this matter, I stated in a blogpost entitled The Is-Ought Problem:

Scottish Enlightenment philosopher David Hume is credited with having proposed the is-ought problem, also referred to as the is-ought gap, Hume’s law, and Hume’s guillotine. His formula addresses moral or values-based judgements contrasted with non-moral or facts-based observations.

Considering this matter, one source poses the question, “How do descriptive statements (an ‘is’ statement) so quickly turn into prescriptive statements (a ‘should’ statement)?” In a blog entry entitled Description vs. Prescription, I address the difference between descriptive and prescriptive statements [i.e., is = description and ought = prescription].

Practicing [REBT], I assist clients with understanding how their should, must, and ought-type statements often serve as self-disturbing prescriptions of the world. We cannot use moral justification for behavior based on facts about the world.

Given this perspective, both David and Sarah self-disturbed when refusing to settle for what is while unhelpfully seeking (i.e., demanding) what they believed ought to have been the case. This is a common occurrence for many people in intimate partner relationships.

Second, REBT uses UA to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Aside from the scene in which Sarah and David confront their own dysfunctional intimate partner relationship patterns, another scene stood out to me in the interest of UA. Speaking with her late mom about romantic relationships, the following discourse with Sarah unfolds:

Sarah: I’m scared I’m not gonna be a good adult, mom.

Sarah’s mom: You know, sweetheart, you are capable of being content in this life. You just have to choose it.

Sarah: What about being happy?

Sarah’s mom: You can make yourself crazy trying to be happy. Be content first. Choose to be content, and enjoy the moments of happiness that come from that.

Sarah: Okay.

What Sarah’s mom advocated is ULA. It’s a lesson I’ve shared with many, many people. Would it surprise you that more times than not people self-disturbingly refuse to choose (i.e., settle for) contentment? In so doing, refusing contentedness is akin to choosing the experience of suffering.

Given this ULA perspective, I remind you of what an earlier source stated, as contentment is about “the state of affairs in one’s life as they presently are [i.e., is = description].” Of this, I advocated in a blogpost entitled C Is for Contentment and That’s Good Enough for Me:

[W]hen promoting use of REBT tools, I encourage people to unconditionally accept a “good enough” standard of living. This helpful practice is the antidote to suffering caused by one’s unhelpful self-narratives.

In Sarah’s case, she inflexibly demanded [i.e., sought] happiness rather flexibly settling for being content. Similar to the wisdom shared by Sarah’s mom, I stated in a blogpost entitled Happiness Is a Trap:

[F]or those people with whom I practice [REBT], I introduce the achievable aim of contentment in life. If they go on to attain happiness thereafter, and that fleeting experience inevitably dissolves, they at least return to a baseline that isn’t within the realm of despair.

Stuck Up

When contemplating what I wanted to say about A Big Bold Beautiful Journey as I worked out earlier this morning, given the commonality of Sarah and David’s views, I heard “Stuck Up” by Eve, featuring C.J., from the lyricist’s album Let There Be Eve…Ruff Ryders’ First Lady (1999).

Just as Sarah and David were seeking instead of settling, thus self-disturbing rather than remaining content, C.J. upsets himself when addressing Eve in the chorus. He states:

Come on, Eve, why you talkin’ crazy and all stuck up?

Why you stay tryna play me like yo’ ass is tough, what?

My own fuckin’ money ain’t good enough?

You got a nigga so sick, I’m ‘bout to throw the fuck up

But I love ya (Come on, ma)

I need ya (Understand, ma)

I got to have ya

Eve, Eve, I’d do anythin’ to keep ya

C.J.’s demandingness (i.e., inflexible seeking) isn’t well-received by Eve in “Stuck Up”, and why should it be? Whereas David and Sarah simply let go of their romantic interests – albeit self-disturbingly so – C.J. clings tightly to Eve when he presumably uses inferred GLAD beliefs.

Perhaps he could benefit from use of the ABC model and UA. After all, content with settling, not seeking – even if the result is that an individual doesn’t want to be with you (or if you don’t want to be with someone else) defaults to a good enough state of contentment with use of these tools.

Conclusion

I recently watched A Big Bold Beautiful Journey and enjoyed it quite a bit. More than being entertained, I thought that content from the film would make for a helpful psychoeducational lesson on the ABC model and UA.

Additionally, when contemplating what common reaction to unhelpful beliefs would serve as a meaningful takeaway for others, I decided to include information from Eve’s track “Stuck Up”. The shared thread with each of these entertainment sources is self-disturbed rigid seeking.

Specifically, when people don’t practice un-disturbed flexible settling in the interest of a good enough state of contentedness, they may experience unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensation, and behavioral outcomes. Therefore, I advocate contentment as a default state of being.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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