Dancing with Myself

[DISCLAIMER]

In childhood, I heard the song “Dancing with Myself” by English punk rock band Gen X (formerly Generation X), with Billy Idol as the lead singer, from the album Kiss Me Deadly (1981). Back then, I was ignorant about a sexual innuendo regarding the song. Per one source:

This song is commonly thought to be about masturbation, but it’s really more about dancing by yourself. Billy got the idea after watching Japanese kids at a Tokyo disco “dancing with themselves” in a nightclub.

The kids would dance in a pogo style up and down, and there were mirrors in the club so they could watch themselves doing it. Idol concedes, however, that there is “some sort of masturbatory element” to the song.

Who could fault an elementary-aged child for not picking up on an inferred reference to masturbation? In my defense, consider the following lyrics from “Dancing with Myself”:

[Verse 1]

On the floors of Tokyo-o

Or down in London town to go, go

A-with the record selection and the mirror’s reflection

I’m a-dancing with myself

Oh, when there’s no one else in sight

A-in the crowded lonely night

Well, I wait so long for my love vibration

And I’m dancing with myself

[Chorus]

Oh, oh, dancing with myself

Oh, oh, dancing with myself

When there’s nothing to lose, and there’s nothing to prove

And I’m dancing with myself, oh, oh, uh-oh

As a kid, I thought the song represented a brave person who risked embarrassment when dancing with himself. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), embarrassment is defined as:

[A] self-conscious emotion in which a person feels awkward or flustered in other people’s company or because of the attention of others, as, for example, when being observed engaging in actions that are subject to mild disapproval from others. It often has an element of self-deprecating humor and is typically characterized by nervous laughter, a shy smile, or blushing.

As a boy, I frequently experienced embarrassment. Therefore, I admired the perceived message of Billy Idol daring to risk this unpleasant experience by dancing with himself in spite of “disapproval from others.” This experience is associated with shame, which the APA defines as:

[A] highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social intercourse—for example, by hiding or distracting the attention of another from one’s shameful action—which can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships.

Shame may motivate not only avoidant behavior but also defensive, retaliative anger. Psychological research consistently reports a relationship between proneness to shame and a host of psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem. Shame is also theorized to play a more positive adaptive function by regulating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and excitement and by diffusing potentially threatening social behavior.

Compare guilt […] a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong. It is distinct from shame, in which there is the additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule.

In a blogpost entitled Guilt and Shame are Choices, I stated, “When using psychoeducation with clients, I invite people to consider that guilt relates to an unpleasant secondary emotion from the inside-out while shame relates to a similar experience from the outside-in.”

For context, consider the ABC model, one of the main tools regarding Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). This technique explains what causes unpleasant self-disturbed outcomes such as embarrassment, shame, and guilt.

In specific, the ABC model illustrates that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence (e.g., embarrassment).

For example, suppose you were to think about dancing with yourself in the middle of a crowded grocery store (Action). REBT theory expresses that rather than an Action-Consequence connection, a Belief-Consequence connection is what causes embarrassment, shame, and guilt.

Thus, you think about dancing with yourself in the middle of a crowded grocery store (Action) and unhelpfully Believe, “It’d be awful if people didn’t accept me, because I can’t stand being ridiculed, so I mustn’t even attempt to dance with myself!” You then feel shame (Consequence).

Although your negative appraisal (awful) and narrative of intolerance (can’t stand) played a crucial role in the shame you experienced, it was use of musturbation (mustn’t) that kept you from dancing with yourself. About this, I stated in a blogpost entitled M-M-M-Musturbation:

Albert Ellis, the psychologist who developed REBT, humorously referred to use of “must” beliefs as “musturbation,” though sometimes spelled “musterbation.” Regarding this matter, Ellis is credited with having stated, “There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.”

Whereas masturbation is said to be a joyously pleasurable activity, musturbation occurs when people work themselves into a frenzied condition through use of self-disturbing beliefs. The unpleasant release with this sort of activity isn’t necessarily desirable.

If taken as a sexual innuendo, “Dancing with Myself” infers masturbation. Also, if left unchallenged, you may dance with yourself through use of musturbatory beliefs while causing embarrassment, shame, and guilt. Personally, that doesn’t sound pleasurable at all.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

In addition to challenging unfavorable self-narratives expressed by my clients, I negotiate homework with people so that they can practice REBT outside of our sessions. One helpful example of how this is accomplished relates to a shame attacking exercise.

Do you recall the ABC model example from earlier? If so, did you notice that I deliberately invited you to “suppose [that] you were to think about dancing with yourself in the middle of a crowded grocery store,” as people are capable of thinking themselves into self-disturbance?

Well, a shame attacking exercise would involve moving from a cognitive to experiential approach to un-disturbing yourself. Rather than merely thinking about what it would be like to dance with yourself in a store, you could actually go to a grocery store and dance!

Stop! What are you thinking in this very moment? To hazard a guess, I’ve already described your probable thought process in the ABC model example from earlier. Would it be truly awful if people didn’t accept you as you danced?

Perhaps being trampled to death by a stampede of rhinoceroses which inexplicably manifested in the produce section would be awful. However, would subjecting yourself to embarrassment be anything like dying a violent death next to the broccoli section of your preferred grocery store?

Also, is it the case that you genuinely couldn’t stand being ridiculed as you danced? Maybe you’d prefer not to be judged. That’s understandable. All the same, could you rather work on high frustration tolerance—building your capacity to endure undesirable circumstances?

Additionally, how is musturbation serving your interests and goals, as you attempt to dance with yourself? Suppose you have a desire (interest) to tolerate and accept perceivably uncomfortable situations. How will musturbation help you challenge your resolve (goal)?

Shame attacking exercises, which could very well be referred to as “embarrassment attacking” or “guilt attacking” exercises, can help you to stop dancing with yourself in the musturbatory sense and begin literally dancing with yourself in order to un-disturb yourself. So, you ready to dance?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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