*It Ends With Us spoilers contained herein
Photo credit, property of Sony Pictures Releasing, fair use
Unique disclaimer
Quotes contained herein are subject to the effects of reconstructive memory, conjecture, and summarization, and as such are not intended to fully or accurately represent any specific individual. As well, any resemblance to real persons or other real-life entities is purely coincidental.
Additionally, all characters and other entities appearing in this blogpost are presumed fictitious. Finally, any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, or other real-life entities, past or present, is purely coincidental.
Ignored signs
“We had a problem, but I took care of it,” the woman who wound up committing intimate partner violence (IPV) against me said after having received an abortion without my knowledge. The terminated life – whether considered human or not – was said to have begun when my sperm penetrated her egg.
I rationalized that her behavior was an act of protection from what she perceived as an unwanted pregnancy.
“I was raped before, which is how I got these scars,” the woman expressed while describing the superficial scars on her thigh. “He used a huge knife,” she said, although the carefully-placed defects of flesh appeared to have been self-inflicted and in parallel positioning.
I denied knowledge of my law enforcement (LE) investigative skills, because I didn’t want to be the sort of man who disbelieved a woman’s allegation of rape.
“Oh, you didn’t know that I used to strip,” I was later informed by the woman who deprived me of this information during the beginning stages of our romantic relationship. Not only was my consent apparently unnecessary for an abortion, I didn’t have informed consent about her past.
I figured that sex work wasn’t a deal-breaker and historically being deprived of consent didn’t matter, as long as I focused on the present with hope for a future with her.
“You have nothing to worry about, he’s just a friend,” the woman dismissively explained when I discovered a love note written to her by one of her male coworkers when she and I dated exclusively. Similar dismissiveness was used when concerns about other men were raised.
I questioned my own sanity when being gaslit, overriding logic and reason for the promise of emotional connection.
“He threatened to kill me” by apparently stating that he would shove her down the stairs, the woman voiced about her ex romantic partner. Although I witnessed bruises on her face and body, which were said to have been from the ex, the man adamantly denied the threats and battery.
I wanted to believe what I was being told and had worked enough LE cases to know by that point that IPV was a serious matter.
“I’m forever yours,” the woman assured me when I faced administrative and legal blowback from violating protective orders placed upon me – not at her request – by authorities who the woman told me refused to help her. I endured almost a year of repercussions on her behalf.
I illogically and unreasonably concluded that there was a systemic problem wherein women were perpetually victimized and I would be a sort of white knight character to challenge such oppression.
“Instead of hiring someone to take care of him, I could flee to Mexico,” the woman told a family member in regard to fleeing her ex and depriving him of custody to their child rather than having him murdered. I sat in amazement, not knowing what to believe in the moment.
I excused the discussion as a distraught mother advocating safety for her child even though knowledge of my LE background suggested otherwise, because a homicidal plot wasn’t a form of protection.
“Personality disorder, NOS [not otherwise specified], mixed with passive-aggressive and narcissistic features,” was what a psychologist determined when assessing the woman in regard to legal matters concerning her ex. I had no idea what that meant at the time.
Now that I’m a professional psychotherapist, I retroactively understand what challenges I faced when entering and remaining in a romantic relationship with the woman.
“_______,” the woman said about having had sex with another man as I was incarcerated on pretrial detention status, after denying a lawful order to stay away from her, and allowing her to seek refuge in my home. Her female roommate later informed me of the infidelity.
I questioned whether or not the roommate, who had romantic relationship problems of her own, was perhaps jealous and sought to sabotage my intimate partner relationship with the woman.
“I don’t want to live anymore,” the woman shouted after locking herself in our bathroom and ingesting a bottle of pills, following the moment when I discovered that she’d been sharing nudes with a man online. I busted down the door and forced her regurgitation in order to save her.
I reckoned that her dramatic gesture represented actual remorse and she saw no other option than to kill herself before allowing the death of our intimate partner relationship to result.
“We don’t have sex anymore, because I’ve never had an orgasm with you,” the woman said with what appeared to be genuine open, honest, and vulnerable communication after the years passed and we stayed together. I couldn’t please the woman to whom I’d devoted myself.
I told myself that she was unfaithful, because I was somehow useless as a man and not merely ineffective at being able to complement her sexually.
“Yes, I did that,” the woman told LE personnel who I called to our home after she’d thrown pictures, ripped a computer out of the wall, broke dishes, and struck me in the face with her hand. In turn, the police informed me that I’d be arrested if they were called again.
I forgave her for the IPV episode and realized that I was in a hopeless situation, as I didn’t again contact LE officers for assistance.
“Him? [laughter] Don’t worry about him, because he’s gay,” the woman stated when I raised concern about the amount of time she spent with her male physical fitness coach. To smooth matters over and assuage my fear, she insisted that we all spend time together.
The man then reassured me that the two of them were solely focused on her fitness goals.
“There was a traffic jam,” the woman told me when returning home after two hours of having gone to the store to retrieve items for dinner. Even though we lived approximately 15-minutes from the grocer, it wasn’t impossible that her story was accurate.
By that point, I continued lying to myself about the reality of the situation while also relying on my religious foundation to turn the other cheek and remain committed to her.
“We need a bank closer to home,” the woman expressed when I discovered that she’d opened a separate bank account and transferred a substantial portion of money from our joint account. My consent wasn’t required from either financial institution, nor did she consult with me beforehand.
Reasoning that we were looking to purchase a home rather than renting an apartment, I concluded that a bank within the same city was preferable to the one we used and which didn’t have a local branch.
“I’m done,” the woman stated over the telephone after having moved in with another man and contacted personnel from my place of employment in order to allege that I’d supposedly “threatened” her. This move placed my security clearance and earning potential in jeopardy.
Under no illusion that she would change her mind, I remembered the character damage the woman did to her ex when she was “done” with him, as I lawyered up at that time.
“Uh, yes, I’m here with my ex and he’s got a gun,” the woman stated via telephone to 911. Seeking to retrieve sensitive documentation when exchanging a pistol taken from me without permission, the woman contacted LE and attempted to have me arrested for an alleged threat.
I’d recorded the entire event and when sharing the information with an on-scene LE officer, I was advised by the cop, “She’s trouble, be careful!”
“She accused you of physically abusing her, raping her, and sexually abusing [her child]. She told us, your family, the cops, and pretty much anyone who’d listen to her,” a mutual friend of the woman and I informed me. The character assassination campaign was underway.
I put out one proverbial fire after another, fully participating with the city police department, county sheriff’s deputies, and federal investigators at my national security jobsite.
“Are you Deric Hollings? Here, you’ve just been served,” an unknown individual stated while handing me a temporary restraining order (TRO) and other legal documentation said to have been initiated by the woman.
At that point, my attorney was earning his pay in order to deal with the multipronged barrage of administrative and legal skirmishers regarding my history with the woman.
“[laughter],” was the response from a female district attorney (DA) clerk after I asked, “Are you telling me the system is biased toward women or just biased toward the first person to report an incident at this office?” Apparently, the first to file a TRO was who the DA would support.
The woman who I still loved had apparently convinced a victim advocate that I was a threat and that a TRO, which jeopardized my ability to carry a firearm at my place of employment, was warranted without any evidence of wrongdoing on my part.
“She says you threatened to shove her down the stairs,” an LE investigator stated to me when being interviewed in pursuit of criminal charges. Thankfully, I had meticulously cultivated evidence from the woman’s criminal charges against her ex to support my defense.
I wondered how someone who claimed to have loved me for years could behave so maliciously while also so foolishly, as to have used an obviously similar account of IPV claimed against her ex.
“Yes, I cheated on him,” the woman declared when questioned during a legal proceeding. Subsequent questioning rendered a decision in my favor and all administrative and legal turmoil I experienced was resolved after I spent thousands of dollars to clear my name.
“D, you wouldn’t listen to anybody,” a close friend told me about ignored signs throughout my history with the woman. From having potentially aborted my child (or whomever else it was with whom she cheated) to trying to terminate my character, I unnecessarily suffered while enduring IPV.
REBT
From a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) perspective, and taking personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for my role in the IPV relationship, I consider the ABC model. You might wonder what I mean.
From this outlook, being gaslit, abused, or otherwise mistreated didn’t cause me to suffer. In actuality, my unhelpful assumptions about the situation were what led to my unpleasant reaction regarding the experience. Before decrying that I’m “victim blaming,” hear me out.
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, when the woman I loved physically struck my face (Action), I felt (sensation) pain (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, the sensation of pain from an incident of battery isn’t uncommon. However, the physical assault didn’t cause me to feel sorrow (emotion).
From a psychological outlook, the B-C connection demonstrates how people upset themselves. Therefore, when I was battered (Action) and unhelpfully Believed, “This shouldn’t happen from someone I love,” I disturbed myself into a sorrowful disposition (Consequence).
Noteworthy, there remains a difference between a preferential should belief (e.g., people I love preferably shouldn’t physically harm me) and an absolutistic should conviction (e.g., under no circumstances whatsoever should a loved one harm me).
Moreover, there’s a difference regarding absolutistic shoulds and that relating to legal should statutes (e.g., a person shouldn’t intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly cause bodily injury to another) and moral or ethical should beliefs (e.g., people shouldn’t hurt one another, because it’s bad to do so).
Nevertheless, preferential, absolutistic, legal, and moral and ethical shoulds are frequently violated. In fact, I imagine that someone in any given location on the globe is violating any number of IPV-associated should narratives at this very moment.
Regardless of whether or not should beliefs or mandates are used with flexibility versus rigidity, or even if there are civil or criminal consequences associated with them, these prescriptions to life are routinely ignored by others. This is true regardless of whether or not you like or love this fact.
Therefore, when considering my role in the IPV relationship I take personal ownership for my beliefs which caused unpleasant emotions, uncomfortable bodily sensations, and unproductive behavior. Although I wasn’t the cause of actions taken against me, I own my reaction to IPV.
Victim blaming is said to occur when an individual who is mistreated, whether through criminal or other wrongful acts, is held partially or entirely at fault for the harm that befell the person. In REBT, people are not blamed – whether an aggressor, victim, survivor, or thriver of IPV.
I don’t hold the woman who mistreated me responsible or accountable for how I felt (emotion or bodily sensation) or behaved. Although she behaved poorly at many instances in our romantic relationship, she was never the reason that I reacted as I did when treated in such a manner.
Moreover, the woman was a fallible human being. Equally, I’m an imperfect person. As well, neither of us behaved flawlessly in our relationship. We both could’ve behaved better or worse than we did when together.
As I recognize my own fallibility, I use the REBT technique of unconditional self-acceptance (USA) to acknowledge my inability to be perfect. Likewise, I use unconditional other-acceptance (UOA) to recognize the same imperfection in the woman.
While this admission may seem as though I’m letting her off easily, excusing poor behavior, I argue that this framing of the matter is improper. There’s nothing to excuse, because what happened in the past is now beyond her control and mine, as well.
The past remains outside of either or our respective circles of control and influence. Thus, I use unconditional life-acceptance (ULA) to concede that life itself is imperfect and the past is unalterable.
Of course, some people disturb themselves with unhelpful beliefs about USA, UOA, and ULA. They unproductively demand that someone must be held accountable today for actions in the past.
They awfulize about how terrible it perceivably is to practice Stoicism which is incorporated into REBT. In true low frustration tolerance fashion, they unhelpfully convince themselves that they can’t stand that an “abuser” or “victimizer” would “get away” with maltreatment.
They may also form global evaluations in regard to a psychotherapist who shares a personal anecdote about IPV, unfavorably labeling him a no good, low down, filthy perpetuator of perpetrator misbehavior! The proverbial they described herein clearly use irrational beliefs.
Whereas feminism and other grievance ideologies may seek to create a false dichotomy between victim and victimizer, presumably in the interest of empowering people who’ve experienced IPV, I reject such disempowering perspectives. I don’t want my identity to be centered on victimhood.
IPV is what happened to me, though it isn’t what I am. REBT empowers people by advocating personal ownership so that individuals who experienced trauma and other undesirable events can overcome the very label with which imagined detractors to this blogpost would assign them.
You may very well have been victimized through maltreatment, much as I was, though you don’t have to forever more identify yourself with victimhood. Instead, you can use personal ownership while practicing the ABC model and unconditional acceptance as a means of reducing suffering.
Ultimately, and despite having been victimized by the woman addressed herein, I wasn’t a victim. In fact, when I chose to ignore signs of wrongdoing, I became a volunteer for everything that resulted thereafter. As such, I own the fact that my decision to stay wasn’t her fault.
It Ends With Us
I knew nothing of the film It Ends With Us, staring Blake Lively, when I watched it last week. Within the first 15 minutes of viewing, I thought I was in for a typical romantic comedy in which a woman is torn between two love interests as her idiosyncratic behavior would lead her down the path toward her one ‘true love.’
Delightfully, I was wrong. Although the drivel peddled to women in film generally follows a boringly similar script – a woman torn between men (i.e., The Notebook) – It Ends With Us took an unexpected turn at just over an hour into the movie, which is slightly over two hours long.
“Was that an accident?” I asked myself when a male love interest of Lively’s character physically struck her. The event was dismissed by both individuals in the film. Moreover, fairly typical intimate partner relational behavior was depicted.
The audience is treated to Lively’s character having apparently experienced polyvictimization—the occurrence of multiple lifetime exposures to various forms of traumatic events or victimization scenarios. Her dad physically battered her mom and that element raised my suspicion.
Was Lively’s character subject to the cycle of violence—repeated and dangerous acts of force as a cyclic pattern, colloquially known as the cycle of abuse? “Wait, does ‘it ends with us’ allude to ending the cycle of abuse,” I wondered.
“Hopefully it’s not gonna promote the Duluth model,” I thought, which was the biased modality under which LE personnel operated when threatening to arrest me after I called them to my home following an IPV event. This model was the same one used by me in my former LE role.
As the film went on, it was apparent that one man to who Lively was romantically attracted pushed her down the stairs, physically struck her, and likely raped her. The movie went in a based direction when Lively’s character became pregnant and sex was assessed before birth.
In any case, I thought, “Are you serious, she’s using logic and reason with this dude after requesting a divorce immediately following the birth of their daughter, and he’s like, ‘Sure thing, you’re right; I’d tell our baby girl not to stay with an abuser like me’?” Where they do that at!?
What I didn’t do, at any point in the film, was ask myself why Lively’s character remained with a man who abused her. The answer to that question, which many individuals ignorantly ask of people who’ve experienced IPV, I understood through personal experience.
One of the major elements I appreciated about It Ends With Us was how natural it seemingly was for Lively’s character to justify, rationalize, dismiss, excuse, or otherwise irrationally think that what she experienced wasn’t what it was: abuse. I, too, ignored signs.
From an emic perspective, I can comprehend how a person – male or female – is able to tolerate and accept abuse. Whether or not an individual ideally should do so is another matter altogether.
At any rate, I also like that It Ends With Us portrays the perpetrator of abuse as someone who didn’t have elongated claws, gnashing teeth, pointy horns protruding from the head, and a constant grimacing look on his face. Caricaturized depictions to the contrary aren’t helpful.
For years, I remained with someone who abused me. For years, I disturbed myself with unfavorable beliefs about the abuse I endured. Still, at no point did the individual who mistreated me present in demonic form and revert from her monstrous appearance to angelic form.
She was merely a fallible human being – one to whom I was very much physically, sexually, intellectually, and emotionally attracted. Similarly, the abuser of Lively’s character was appealing to the audience, with exception to those whose biased views can see only ghoulish villains.
Unsurprisingly, after intentionally waiting a week to observe how people reacted to their self-disturbed beliefs about It Ends With Us, I’ve witnessed Lively experiencing blowback from many people. Some have criticized her behavior associated with promoting the film.
Others have chastised her alleged lack of sensitivity in regard to the topic of IPV. Still, others have lambasted the film itself for depicting a perpetrator of IPV in a manner that didn’t villainize him entirely – in true global evaluation form – and instead supposedly romanticized IPV.
I don’t know Lively and it would be difficult to care less about her reported behavior regarding the film. Personally, It Ends With Us is appreciated for depicting how IPV is experienced by some people. After all, the film couldn’t possibly represent the experience for all individuals.
Lively aside, I was intrigued by something her costar Justin Baldoni, who played the perpetrator of IPV in the film, reportedly stated. According to one source:
Baldoni said: “The question that’s always asked is, ‘Why did she stay?’ And that’s the wrong question, we need to be asking ourselves, ‘Why do men harm?’”
Why men harm may be accounted for regarding a number of reasons. One imagines many of these justifications may be as irrationally-based as the explanations regarding why women harm. On that note, why did the woman who abused me choose harm? Why do other women harm?
Why does one source report that “1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point during their lifetimes” and regarding child abuse, “Women account for a little over half of the perpetrators”? Why do women harm?
Of course, I’m not arguing against the proposal that on average women experience a greater range and severity of consequences from IPV than men, women are overrepresented in IPV-related homicides, or that women are more likely to be injured by intimate partners.
I’ll even concede that the severity, frequency, and duration of IPV have been linked to worsened health outcomes for women than men. The point I’m making herein is that people like Baldoni, and those who research IPV, could acknowledge that men also experience IPV.
Rather than pandering to women with virtue-signaling about IPV by asking, “Why do men harm?” perhaps a better use of time would be to explore implications concerning one’s beliefs in regard to IPV. Also, although we can unconditionally accept a person, must we accept the abuse?
Additionally, for those people who’ve experienced IPV and suffered the effects of self-disturbing beliefs, it ends with us when we take personal ownership for our response to the cycle of violence. Thus, an REBT approach to rational living is empowering, not one that re-victimizes people.
Conclusion
For a number of years, I ignored signs of IPV which I experienced. Although the majority of people who knew both the woman and I warned me about the danger I faced, I chose to disregard signals of alarm. Predictably, my decision cost me dearly.
Additionally, for years during and following the abuse I endured, I used unhelpful beliefs about myself, the woman who mistreated me, and life. However, once I took personal ownership for my reaction to maltreatment, I realized that I was a volunteer to and not a victim of IPV.
In the film It Ends With Us, I identified with Lively’s character. No one needed to ask me why I stayed with a fallible person who behaved poorly. I knew that I’d chosen to tolerate IPV, regardless of whatever rationalization or justification I used to tether me to her.
Ultimately, I don’t blame the woman discussed herein. Likewise, I don’t blame myself. As well, I don’t blame Lively for her representation in or promotion of It Ends With Us or IPV. Each of us are flawed individuals living in an imperfect world.
Although I’m aware that many people may disagree with my perspective outlined herein, I stand by what I’ve stated. Admittedly, I can’t possibly speak on behalf of all people who’ve experienced IPV, nor can feminists or other grievance-focused activists.
Nevertheless, I choose empowerment over victimhood, personal ownership over deluding myself into believing that others have the power to own how I feel, and wellness over a state of perpetual illness that a victim mentality offers. Perhaps you disagree.
You’re welcome to your opinion as much as I am to mine. As for those who also choose to own their responses to undesirable activating events and who’ve committed themselves to ending a cycle of violence, it ends with us – and that begins with us taking ownership of our own lives.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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