Making Amends

[DISCLAIMER]

On Radio Embargo Lifted EP (2021), electronic dance music (EDM) artist Lord Leopard released the song “Make Amends”. Although I can’t source the origin of its sample, lyrics of the house music track state “if I knew then what I know now, I’d make amends.”

Making amends is doing something to correct a mistake that one has made or a bad situation that one has caused. This process is also known as atonement, about which one source states:

Atonement, atoning, or making amends is the concept of a person taking action to correct previous wrongdoing on their part, either through direct action to undo the consequences of that act, equivalent action to do good for others, or some other expression of feelings of remorse.

Atonement “is closely associated to forgiveness, reconciliation, sorrow, remorse, repentance, reparation, and guilt” [Encyclopedia of Psychology and Religion, page 83]. It can be seen as a necessary step on a path to redemption.

As referenced in that citation, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines remorse as a strong sense of guilt and regret for a past action. Similarly, the APA defines guilt as:

[A] self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong. It is distinct from shame, in which there is the additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule.

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I invite people to conceptualize guilt as originating from inside of oneself and shame as originating from outside. Both of these experiences involve actual or perceived wrongdoing.

As an example, imagine that you’ve found yourself in a situation which requires the use of deadly force regarding self-defense. Legally and justifiably, your actions result in the taking of a human life. In this instance, per your training, you kill someone using the Mozambique drill.

For the sake of clarity, let’s use one of the main tools of REBT, the ABC model, to demonstrate how guilt and shame may result from your beliefs. Bear in mind that this useful technique explains the process of both healthy distress (e.g., fear) and unhealthy disturbance (e.g., terror).

Specifically, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

Suppose that while at a public gathering someone begins shooting random people. You attempt to flee the event, though your path to freedom is blocked. Now, the shooter is relatively close to your position and taking aim at you. You then use the Mozambique drill, causing death (Action).

Noteworthy, when working with clients and receiving this much information about an undesirable Action, I encourage people to narrow the main focus of the event that was considered most unfavorable. In REBT, this is known as the critical A (Action).

In your case, you shot someone with two rounds to the body and one to the head, causing death (Action). I could stop here and congratulate you on protecting yourself in a similar manner as I was trained. However, the focus of this blogpost isn’t relief. We’re discussing amends.

Therefore, following your legal and justifiable shooting event (Action), you Believe, “It’s awful that I’ve taken a life, because no one should kill another person. Worse still, I can’t stand that this has happened, as my life is now meaningless for having killed someone.”

With your unhelpful perspective about the shooting event, you then withdraw from others (e.g., stop responding to calls and texts), stop taking care of yourself (e.g., stop bathing regularly), feel heaviness throughout your body, and exhibit other depressive symptoms (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Now, imagine that you seek care for your mental, emotional, and behavioral health with a professional REBT practitioner who has a background in law enforcement. I’m that type of provider, as I help you transition from a major depressive episode to the experience of remorse.

Additionally, you begin to understand the distinction between unhealthy and healthy emotions. For instance, a depressive episode may involve sadness, irritability, or rage. Those are unhealthy negative emotions caused by unfavorable beliefs.

Conversely, I assist you with the experience of guilt for having taken another person’s life (originating from inside of oneself), as well as shame concerning people thereafter who shout cruel names at you in public (originating from outside of oneself).

Eventually, you move on with your life and both the guilt and shame slowly fade into the background of daily living. I could stop here and commend you on having un-disturbed or un-distressed. However, the focus of this blogpost isn’t about respite. We’re discussing amends.

Regarding the process of making amends, one English REBT source states (page 65):

Once you have understood your behaviour in context and taken responsibility for what you are in fact responsible for, you are in a position to act on this. This may mean apologising to relevant others for your behaviour and/or making amends to them in some way.

Whatever action you need to take, you first need to get into a rational frame of mind. When you feel remorseful, but not guilty, you are encouraged to engage others in a productive dialogue about the situation in question, if they are amenable to doing so. The purpose of this dialogue is mutual understanding and reconciliation.

Understandably, you and I may be considering an ideal-world versus real-world scenario herein. Not always, or perhaps even often, are people open to understanding and reconciliation. In fact, in the United States, they just may go after you criminally or civilly, or even seek retribution.

In any event, let’s imagine that about a decade after you stopped the threat in a public setting by squeezing two rounds to the chest, one to the head, you hear Lord Leopard’s track “Make Amends” while considering the lyrics “if I knew then what I know now, I’d make amends.”

You contemplate what life would be like had you atoned for your actions by accepting to meet with the decedent’s family members in court when they requested to speak with you. Keep in mind that making amends isn’t solely about correcting a mistake.

This concept also concerns doing something to correct a bad situation that one has caused. Given the REBT technique of unconditional acceptance, which I would’ve introduced during our work with one another, you’d likely comprehend and accept that the past is passed. It’s unalterable.

Nevertheless, preferably through competent legal counsel, you choose to make amends by reaching out to the decedent’s family. To your surprise, they’ve already forgiven you for your actions. Hugs are exchanged, tears are shed, and you experience unexpected satisfaction.

Moreover, family members inform you that aside from being murdered, you had no other choice on the day in review. You did what you logically and reasonably (collectively “rationally”) had to do. Here, I’ll stop to applaud you for protecting yourself and making amends. Well done!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit (edited), fair use

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