My Lil' Ol' Tie

[DISCLAIMER]

My late stepmom used demeaning remarks when mocking people in her uniquely comical way. For context, “demeaning” is defined as damaging or lowering the character, status, or reputation of someone or something, and “mocking” is defined as treating with contempt or ridicule.

One of my stepmom’s go-to phrases was to describe things as a “lil’ ol’” (i.e., little old) this or that. For example, when seeing the above photo, my stepmom would say something along the lines of, “Oh! I see you wearin’ ya lil’ ol’ tie. Bet you think you cute!”

The inferred meaning was that my tie, with a knot apparently as small as I could manage it, wasn’t as great as perhaps I thought it was. Thus, it was relegated to the status of “lil’ ol’.” To people outside of our family, my stepmom’s demeaning mockery may’ve seemed mean-spirited.

However, that wasn’t the case. The black side of my family frequently used lighthearted insults as a method of strengthening one another, most always through use of humor. Does this sound odd to you? If so, I can understand your reserved reaction.

Although I didn’t have much contact with the white side of my family when growing up, I imagine that they didn’t typically engage in cut-downs (the act of bringing a person down with a short, nasty twist on words when they are excited or proud of themselves). And why would they?

Back when I used to date white women, most of them also didn’t appear to appreciate roasts (the act of making fun of, or ridiculing another, as in talking about somebody based on appearance, actions, or personality). Admittedly, I’m using subjective generalizations herein.

Still, there’s some value in the argument for lived experience (first-hand, personal knowledge and understanding gained from direct involvement in events, issues, or specific contexts, rather than through second-hand information, academic study, or professional observation).

Therefore, despite a number of people not appreciating it, I enjoyed when my stepmom and other family members playfully engaged in flaming (the act of expressing strongly held opinions without holding back any emotion). To those who also enjoy it, let them cook!

Though some people may think that advocating burns (the act of making fun of someone) is odd when coming from a psychotherapist and life coach, I can understand this perspective. Still, I invite these individuals to consider that behavior described herein can be healthy.

I say this in the interest of resilience (an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change). Using Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I assist people with becoming resilient by fostering growth through acceptance which comes from high frustration tolerance.

“Oh! I see you usin’ ya lil’ ol’ therapy speak,” I can imagine my late mom saying in regard to that last sentence. Describing high frustration tolerance, one REBT source states (page 15):

[H]ealthy people recognize that there are only two sorts of problems they are likely to encounter: those they can do something about and those they cannot. The goal is to modify the obnoxious conditions we can change, and learn to tolerate—or “lump”—those we cannot change.

In conclusion, I appreciate that my step mom used to give me shit (a vulgar way of describing the act of teasing). Although she’s no longer amongst the living, I learned from her that I can tolerate and accept adversity. Now, on with the rest of my lil’ ol’ practice of REBT…

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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DiGiuseppe, R. A., Doyle, K. A., Dryden, W., and Backx, W. (2013). A practitioner’s guide to rational emotive behavior therapy (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/a-practitioners-guide-to-rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-d174617836.html

Hollings, D. (2023, September 13). Acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/acceptance

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