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The Cause of My Irritation Is Not in This Person but in Me

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • 3 days ago
  • 6 min read

 

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

 

The authors quote philosopher Epictetus who stated, “For there are two rules to keep at the ready—that there is nothing good or bad outside my own reasoned choice, and that we shouldn’t try to lead events but to follow them” (page 95). About this, a personal anecdote comes to mind.

 

In a blogpost entitled No Help, I stated, “I filed an Equal Employment Opportunity Commission [EEOC] complaint against my female supervisor who discriminated against me. Though I had ample evidence to prove my claim, testimony by someone I considered my friend sank my case.”

 

When my female supervisor told me that men weren’t a proper fit for the field of social work, her actions reflected her sentiment. As an example, she required male employees to be escorted by female employees during home visits with clients, yet women could work on their own.

 

As well, male employees were ordered to share a single office while female employees enjoyed their own offices. Additionally, males were repeatedly interrupted and talked over when we spoke during meetings, though females weren’t subject to the same treatment.

 

Also, I was prevented from obtaining free clinical supervision offered in my place of business. Yet, a similarly situated female employee, the friend mentioned above, was allowed to receive this helpful benefit. I wound up paying an outside clinician $500/month for supervision hours.

 

Likewise, my supervisor moved a portion of my caseload from me and transferred clients to a female employee. Her expressed justification for doing so was that women were better able to conduct social work activities than were males. This is a female supremacist declaration.

 

In all, I had an audio recording of my supervisor’s declaration, signed statements from a number of employees in support of my complaint, two written statements from my supervisor – admitting to discrimination, and verbal testimony by others in support of my EEOC complaint.

 

However, the female coworker who I regarded as a friend – someone whose husband and children I’d met, whose home I visited on a number of occasions, and a person with whom many personal matters were discussed – provided detrimental testimony during my EEOC hearing.

 

Fortunately, I practiced REBT at that point in my life. As such, I wasn’t self-disturbed into a rageful disposition. All the same, I settled for disappointment regarding the fact that my friend ostensibly lied in order to protect her own job, rather than standing against bullying.

 

Noteworthy, REBT literature draws a distinction between healthy distress (e.g., frustration) and unhealthy disturbance (e.g., irritability). Addressing the latter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 95):

 

In the mid-twentieth century, there was an Indian Jesuit priest named Anthony de Mello. Born in Bombay when it was still under British control, de Mello was an amalgam of many different cultures and perspectives: East, West; he even trained as a psychotherapist.

 

It’s interesting when one sees timeless wisdom develop across schools, across epochs and ideas. Here is a quote from de Mello’s book, The Way to Love, that sounds almost exactly like Epictetus: “The cause of my irritation is not in this person but in me.”

 

Had I not practiced REBT when the woman who I thought was my friend essentially provided false testimony that sunk my EEOC case, I likely would’ve allowed irrational beliefs to cause irritation or irritability. In that way, I would’ve lost twice.

 

On one hand, I lost my EEOC case when a female federal judge, her female assistant, my female attorney, a female union president, a female attorney defending the agency for which I worked, and her female assistant all took part in assessing whether or not a woman could oppress a man.

 

On the other hand, had I foolishly lost my composure by subscribing to illogical and unreasonable beliefs, I would’ve become irritable. Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 95);

 

Remember, each individual has a choice. You are always the one in control. The cause of irritation—or our notion that something is bad—that comes from us, from our labels or our expectations.

 

Just as easily, we can change those labels; we can change our entitlement and decide to accept and love what’s happening around us. And this wisdom has been repeated and independently discovered in every century and every country since time began.

 

I don’t know about loving what happens around me – such as adoring that a person who I thought was a friend sinking my EEOC case, though I unconditionally accepted her behavior and the situation. It occurs to me that loving her actions would’ve been a delusional choice.

 

In any instance, I concur with de Mello’s quote, “The cause of my irritation is not in this person but in me.” Therefore, I invite you to consider not choosing self-disturbed irritation. If you’re willing to settle for healthy distress in the form of disappointment, why not choose this option?

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW


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References:

 

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

De Mello, A. (n.d.). The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony de Mello Hardcover – October 12, 1992. Amazon. Retrieved from https://www.amazon.com/Way-Love-Meditations-Anthony-Mello/dp/0385249381

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

Hollings, D. (2024, July 15). Bullying. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/bullying

Hollings, D. (2023, April 22). Control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/control

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2024, January 7). Delusion. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/delusion

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Discrimination. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/discrimination

Hollings, D. (2025, March 12). Distress vs. disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/distress-vs-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2025, March 5). Five major characteristics of four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/five-major-characteristics-of-four-major-irrational-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2025, June 13). It isn’t manly to be enraged. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/it-isn-t-manly-to-be-enraged

Hollings, D. (2022, November 10). Labeling. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/labeling

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason

Hollings, D. (2023, October 2). Morals and ethics. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/morals-and-ethics

Hollings, D. (2025, June 6). No help. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/no-help

Hollings, D. (2025, April 25). Preferences vs. expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferences-vs-expectations

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Preferential should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferential-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, December 5). Reasoning. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reasoning

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, April 18). Tolerable FADs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tolerable-fads

Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux

Hollings, D. (2024, August 20). We all make our choices. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/we-all-make-our-choices

Hollings, D. (2025, April 12). What’s the big idea? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/what-s-the-big-idea

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Anthony de Mello (Jesuit priest). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_de_Mello_(Jesuit_priest)

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Epictetus. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epictetus

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Ryan Holiday. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Holiday

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