The Preferences Versus Expectations Paradigm: Love Is Not Enough, Though Virtue Is

[DISCLAIMER]

Of his body of work that I’ve consumed thus far, I most enjoy Trunk Muzik (2010) by rapper Yelawolf. On the anthology is the track “Love Is Not Enough”, produced by WLPWR, and containing a sample of “Hollywood” (1978) by the late entertainer Rick James.

Yelawolf’s song tells the all-too-familiar tale of intimate partner relationships and the preferences versus expectations paradigm (i.e., flexible desires for a specific outcome versus rigid demands which, if unmet, cause unpleasant self-distress or self-disturbance).

For context, the American Psychological Association defines preference as “the act of choosing one alternative over others” and expectation as “a state of tense, emotional anticipation.” As an example, on the hook of “Love Is Not Enough”, Yelawolf states:

Rollin’ down [Interstate] 20, mane

With this Jack in my cup

Feelin’ down on my luck

And I’m doin’ 120 [miles per hour], mane

Maybe I’m givin’ up

Baby, I’m givin’ up

Baby what is happening?

Don’t you believe in us?

Don’t you believe in us?

She said, “I know you gave me everything

But love is not enough

Love is not enough

Love is not enough”

The rapper expresses an inflexible expectation for romantic togetherness that, when unmet, causes self-disturbance in the form of reckless driving. Had he merely maintained a malleable preference, then he likely would’ve been frustrated, annoyed, or disappointed about the matter.

This preferences versus expectations paradigm is apparent, given Yelawolf’s description of the event. Also noteworthy is the topic of unrequited love (love which is not reciprocated, one-sided, or more generally unequal, resulting in a yearning for more complete love).

Yelawolf expected shared affection, though his partner admitted that “love is not enough” for a pair bond (a relationship between two individuals characterized by close affiliative behavior, emotional reaction to separation or loss, and increased social responsiveness on reunion).

This isn’t an uncommon occurrence. Perhaps because so many people in the West have unhelpfully been conditioned to irrationally believe in the notion that love is enough to maintain togetherness, many individuals self-distress and self-disturb when love isn’t actually enough.

I’ve been down that darkened path too many times, as I imagine you or someone you know has also traversed that unhealthy terrain. Now, as I contemplate the lyrics of “Love Is Not Enough”, I think more about the content of a book that I’ve been steadily reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

What else may matter most in life, if not love—especially requited love? Regarding the answer to this question, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius who stated (page 230):

Indeed, if you find anything in human life better than justice, truth, self-control, courage—in short, anything better than the sufficiency of your own mind, which keeps you acting according to the demands of true reason and accepting what fate gives you outside of your own power of choice—I tell you, if you can see anything better than this, turn to it heart and soul and take full advantage of this greater good you’ve found.

Suppose that rather than drinking and driving Yelawolf instead found sufficiency in his own mind. If love wasn’t enough for his romantic interest, then the rapper could’ve achieved a good enough standard on his own. Of this, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 230):

We’ve all chased things we thought would matter. At some point, we all thought that money would be the answer, that success was the highest prize, that the undying love of a beautiful person would finally make us feel warm inside. What do we find when we actually attain these sacred objects?

Not that they are empty or meaningless—only those who have never had them think that—but what we find is that they are not enough. Money creates problems. Climbing one mountain exposes another, higher peak. There is never enough love.

I invite you to take a moment to ponder the wisdom of those words. Have you ever obtained enough money or attained enough affection to where you said to yourself “Okay, that’s enough for me,” or have you perhaps preferred or expected more?

If by some stretch of the imagination you’ve never self-distressed or self-disturbed in this regard, then kudos to you! For everyone else, have you ever admitted to yourself, as happened in Yelawolf’s song, that love (and other things) isn’t enough? Of this, the authors state (page 230):

There is something better out there: real virtue. It is its own reward. Virtue is the one good that reveals itself to be more than we expect and something that one cannot have in degrees. We simply have it or we don’t. And that is why virtue—made up as it is of justice, honesty, discipline, and courage—is the only thing worth striving for.

With little doubt, love is nice and preferable. Still, is it to be expected? If “Love Is Not Enough”, as you may be able to influence others to love you (or maybe not), then virtue—over which you can control—may be worth considering if you want to forego distress and disturbance.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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