To Be Coddled or to Exert Yourself?

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In my role of one who professionally cares for the mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”) of others, I’ve encountered all manner of excuses from my clients regarding their refusal to adopt flexible structure and routine for their everyday lives.

For instance, a common element of self-care which I advocate is for clients to improve their sleep hygiene. Specifically, going to bed and waking up at roughly the same time in order to introduce some degree of predictability to one’s schedule may be helpful.

However, the typical justification I hear when clients refuse to practice this arguably healthy behavior is something along the lines of, “I don’t wanna.” As an example, I may say to client X, “Have you considered getting out of bed when you alarm sounds, rather than lying in bed?”

Client X may then respond, “I don’t wanna, because my bed is so comfy!” The distorted inference used by this hypothetical individual is that one absolutely mustn’t exert oneself when the option to coddle oneself is available.

Here, “exert” is defined as to put forth (strength, effort, etc.), to put (oneself) into action or to tiring effort, and to bring to bear especially with sustained effort or lasting effect. As well, “coddle” is defined as to treat with extreme or excessive care or kindness.

Remarkably, when recently attempting to persuade actual client Y to exert effort regarding flexible structure and routine, this person outright stated, “I prefer vibes to structure and routine.” In other words, client Y would rather coddle oneself than to improve one’s own mental health.

When encountering excuses and other pushback regarding my attempts to help individuals, I remember not to use rigidity of belief. If the clients X and Y of the world prefer to coddle themselves (i.e., feeling better) rather than to exert effort (i.e., getting better), then so be it!

They are free to remain stuck in self-induced suffering while vibing in a comfy bed. After all, aside from being fallible human beings, each person with whom I work is a self-determined and autonomous individual who can vibe themselves into self-disturbance for all I care. Have at it!

This may sound odd to you, coming from a mental health care professional. If this is the case, then perhaps it may be of some use for you to learn a bit about the philosophical underpinnings of the psychotherapeutic modality I practice, as well as to know of a book that I’ve been reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

I incorporate Stoic philosophy into the ABC model and unconditional acceptance—two of the major REBT techniques I use when working with clients. For context, I invite you to consider that authors of The Daily Stoic quote Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius who stated (page 209):

On those mornings you struggle with getting up, keep this thought in mind—I am awakening to the work of a human being. Why then am I annoyed that I am going to do what I’m made for, the very things for which I was put into this world? Or was I made for this, to snuggle under the covers and keep warm? It’s so pleasurable. Were you then made for pleasure? In short, to be coddled or to exert yourself?

When working with clients, I encourage them to use a perspective shift: Rather than asking if you “wanna” get out of bed, have you considered asking if getting up and beginning your day is aligned with your interests and goals? In this way, wants versus needs are assessed.

You don’t wanna get up and start your day? Too bad! You likely can list many reasons as to why you need to! This is what I tell myself on the rare occasion that my mind attempts to dissuade me from getting out of bed. Similarly, authors of The Daily Stoic advocate (page 209):

It’s comforting to think that even two thousand years ago the emperor of Rome (who was reportedly a bit of an insomniac) was giving himself a pep talk in order to summon up the willpower to throw the blankets off each morning and get out of bed. From the time we’re first sent off to school until we retire, we’re faced with that same struggle. It’d be nicer to shut our eyes and hit the snooze button a few more times. But we can’t.

Because we have a job to do. Not only do we have the calling we’ve dedicated ourselves to, but we have the larger cause that the Stoics speak about: the greater good. We cannot be of service to ourselves, to other people, or to the world unless we get up and get working—the earlier the better. So c’mon. Get in the shower, have your coffee, and get going.

I’m not entirely convinced of an objective so-called “greater good.” I see no evidence for such an absolute concept. Still, I can appreciate the subjective nature of this idea when considering what one source states in regard to the matter:

In Stoicism, justice [one of the four Stoic virtues] means helping the greater good. The great Stoic emperor Marcus Aurelius said, “A commitment to justice in your own acts. Which means: thought and action resulting in the common good. What you were born to do.”

In other words, only seeking self-benefit and not caring about others is injustice. True happiness comes from helping others, from justice. If we hurt others, we also hurt ourselves. Marcus Aurelius said, “What injures the hive injures the bee.” But when we help others, we also help ourselves; it’s win-win.

I agree with the subjective nature of a self-ascribed “greater” or “common good.” This is one reason why I wake up earlier than even Jocko Willink (a retired United States Navy officer who served in the Navy SEALs, and former member of SEAL Team 3) reportedly does (i.e., 0430).

Regarding this matter, there was a popular saying when I served as a Marine (1996-2007): There will be plenty of time to sleep once you are dead. This maxim is widely attributed to Benjamin Franklin who reportedly stated, “…there will be sleeping enough in the grave….”

You don’t “wanna” wake up as early as me or Willink? Fine. You want to instead rely on “vibes”? So be it. To be coddled or to exert yourself? This is the Stoic question that may be of more relevance than asking yourself whether or not you “wanna” rely on unproductive “vibes”.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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