Was It Truly Awful?

[DISCLAIMER]

I recently discussed with client X the death of an elderly family member. The person with whom I’ve worked for quite some time is familiar with both the ABC model and unconditional acceptance (UA) of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

Nevertheless, client X self-disturbed regarding beliefs about the passing of a loved one. For context, it may be useful to discuss the two aforementioned techniques used in REBT. This is done for your benefit, so that you can learn a helpful lesson about how to un-disturb yourself.

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to self-disturb: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, I invite you to think of the acronym GLAD.

Noteworthy, with my approach to care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”), I invite people to consider thinking which is rational (in accordance with both logic and reason) – especially regarding events which correlate with strong emotions.

Here, “logic” is the interrelation or sequence of facts or events when seen as inevitable or predictable, and “reason” is a statement offered in explanation or justification. For instance, a modus ponens syllogism uses the following logical form: If p, then q; p; therefore, q.

If my loved one passes when I don’t desire this person to die (p), then life is worthless [G] and I can’t stand [L] awful [A] outcomes that shouldn’t [D] occur (q).

My loved one passes when I don’t desire this person to die (p).

Therefore, life is worthless [G] and I can’t stand [L] awful [A] outcomes that shouldn’t [D] occur (q).

Although this proposition follows logical form, I argue that it isn’t reasonable. In particular, the proposal uses all four predominate irrational beliefs recognized in REBT theory. Thus, the proposition is irrational. In the case of client X, this individual heavily utilized awfulization.

For context, one REBT source states that awfulizing refers “to the common human tendency to exaggerate the badness of things. We tend to blow things out of proportion” (page 80). An idiomatic expression regarding awfulizing relates to making a mountain out of a molehill.

Of course, this isn’t to suggest that the death of a loved one is insignificant – only that it isn’t awful. Depending on one’s unpleasant reaction, there’s a distinction to be made regarding self-induced distress and disturbance. According to a separate REBT source (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes this distress as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event, whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

In the case of client X, this person reported experiencing significant self-disturbance. Even though client X remains familiar with the ABC model, this individual was so disturbed that the proper connection of how disturbance occurs was altogether disregarded.

Therefore, I reminded client X that from a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For instance, when client X’s loved one experienced health complications related to old age (Action), then the elderly family member died (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, people often die when experiencing substantial health complications. Now, consider a B-C outlook.

When client X’s loved one died (Action) and my client Believed, “If my loved one passes when I don’t desire this person to die, then life is worthless [G] and I can’t stand [L] awful [A] outcomes that shouldn’t [D] occur,” as client X then experienced depression (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

The process of challenging personal philosophies of life can take longer than I care to demonstrate herein. In any event, I’ll share with you that I asked client X, “Was it truly awful that your loved one, who had known medical complications for some time, has now passed?”

“Yes,” client X replied. When asked for evidence to support this proposal, my client was stumped. Regarding when such matters occur during Disputation, one REBT source states (pages 168-169):

[D]isputation questions can lead to discomfort for some clients, primarily because many of the questions have no immediate or common sense answer (e.g., “Where is the evidence for that belief?” None exists.).

Therefore, although you are waiting for the clients’ responses, observe any nonverbal signs of discomfort that might be exhibited during this period. If your clients are exceptionally distressed, ask them what feelings they are having and find out what irrational beliefs they are telling themselves.

Perhaps they are awfulizing about not knowing the answers to your questions or realize that they are thinking in an unhelpful way. They might feel uncomfortable that you are asking them to give up a familiar idea. If any of these are true, they might not be attending to the points you are making during disputation.

Uproot these irrational beliefs before you continue with the original disputation. Clients frequently respond to disputing questions by giving you evidence in favor of the rational belief. For example, when the therapist attempts to dispute the concept of awfulness (e.g., “Where’s the evidence that this is so terrible?”), the response of the client will usually be to justify why the situation is undesirable (e.g., “Because I don’t like it!”).

In this example, the client is failing to discriminate between undesirable and awful. The most common error made by a new therapist is to be stumped by the client’s reasoning. Instead, the therapist can point out to the client that his or her retort provides evidence for the rational statement, but is not an answer to the original question. The therapist repeats the question until the client comes to the appropriate conclusion that no evidence exists for the [irrational belief].

Favorably, I was able to patiently point out to client X that although it’s disagreeable when an elderly loved one – who’s generally expected to die due to a number of health complications – actually dies, this occurrence isn’t awful. Undoubtedly, it can be quite unpleasant though.

Second, REBT uses UA to relieve self-induced suffering – be it the effect of distress or disturbance. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Client X was eventually able to admit that this individual had control only over one’s own reaction to death (USA). Likewise, client X expressed understanding that others within the family who used guilt and shame toward other members were merely fallible people (UOA).

Moreover, client X ultimately acknowledged that life is impermanent and uncertain, and that everyone empirically must eventually die (ULA). As such, it wasn’t truly awful for client X’s family member to have passed away. Now, I share this psychoeducational lesson with you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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