IDC

[DISCLAIMER]

In the late ‘90s, when the Internet was still a relatively novel experience for most people, I participated in an online chatroom called ATLiens Chat. Hip hop fans from across the world would meet up and discuss various topics, often leading to breakout chatting sessions using ICQ.

It was then that I met an online friend from Sydney, Australia. I’ll refer to her as “friend X.” I used to laugh at her particular tell, which relates to a manner of behavior, demeanor, or physical reaction (conscious or unconscious) that gives clues about one’s intended actions.

For instance, friend X would disturb herself with irrational beliefs about one matter or another. As a consequence of her unhelpful attitude, friend X would repeatedly declare “I don’t care [IDC]” regarding whatever it was about which she lamented, as this was one of her tells.

Perhaps a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) example using the ABC model is in order for the sake of clarity. For context, in order for a belief to be considered rational, it empirically must remain in accordance with both logic and reason.

Also, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and one Believes an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s one’s unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence

These unpleasant outcomes relate to cognitive, emotive, sensational, and/or behavioral reactions to one’s unrealistic philosophies of life. Given her tell, I found humor in friend X’s self-disturbed response to unaccommodating self-narratives about various matters.

As an example, friend X’s mom would continually nag her about a puppy (Action) and my friend expressed the Belief that her mother shouldn’t have done so. Because her mom continued to violate this inflexible prescription for life, friend X then experienced anger (Consequence).

Aside from this emotional experience, when discussing the matter with me friend X would say, “I don’t care what she thinks! I don’t care, I don’t! You know what? I don’t even care.” The more friend X declared her lack of care, the more she self-disturbed deeper into anger.

To “care” is to maintain interest or concern for something or someone. Friend X’s tell was funny to me, because the more she professed not to care, it was apparent that she genuinely cared more than she let on. When reflecting upon this matter, I’m reminded of a song.

From his 2012 album Triple F Life: Friends, Fans & Family, rapper Waka Flocka Flame released the track “I Don’t Really Care” which featured singer Trey Songz. The chorus states:

Throwin’ money in the air, like I don’t really care

And I’m standin’ on the chair, like I don’t really care

Got bitches by the pair, I’m baller of the year

And haters everywhere, but I don’t really care

No I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t really care

No I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t really care

Got bitches by the pair, I’m baller of the year

And haters everywhere, but I don’t really care

If one requires to repeatedly declare “no I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t really care,” then I question the validity of this assertion. Besides, if one genuinely doesn’t care, then what’s the point of caring enough to express that one doesn’t care? It becomes paradoxical.

Unlike rational thinking, I view the aforementioned track and friend X’s IDC proposal as that relating to rationalization—a way of describing, interpreting, or explaining something (such as undesirable behavior) that makes it seem more (or less) proper, more (or less) attractive, etc.

Whereas rational thinking examines whether or not a proposition follows logical form while maintaining some degree of predictability, using justification to explain the proposal, rationalization is described in the following manner by one source:

‘Sour graping’ is a term derived from Aesop’s Fable “The Fox and the Grapes,” where a fox, unable to reach some grapes, declares them to be sour, hence not worth having. In psychological terms, sour graping refers to devaluing something one desires but cannot have. It is a defense mechanism to protect our ego and self-esteem when we fail to achieve our goals.

On the other hand, ‘sweet lemoning’ is the opposite of sour graping. The term is less well known but illustrates a similarly important psychological process. It refers to overvaluing something that one has but did not initially want. Like sour graping, this is a cognitive strategy to manage disappointment and make the best out of less favorable situations.

In the case of friend X, when her mom complained about a puppy, my ATLiens Chat associate attempted to convince herself that her lemons were sweet. Expressing that she didn’t care seemingly provided cathartic relief for friend X though I observed an opposite outcome.

The more my friend attempted to persuade herself that her mom’s behavior wasn’t worthy of care the more self-disturbed friend X became, because my associate apparently cared quite a bit. Back then, I didn’t know about REBT and how to disrupt one’s unhelpful philosophies of life.

Now, I understand how useful it is that the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs. In any case, I met friend X when visiting San Francisco, California in 2009.

Unfortunately, I later self-disturbed to the point whereby the consequence of my unhelpful beliefs resulted in an uncomfortable emotional and unproductive behavioral experience that cost me our friendship. In a blogpost entitled Challenging Disappointment, I stated of this matter:

I wound up yelling at her during an argument that I can’t even recall at this moment. Apparently, I was so angry that I completely forgot the content of the disagreement. Unfortunately, she remembers. Moreover, I believe her accounting of the matter.

The things I reportedly stated to her sound accurate to my typical style of expression when upset. Although I subsequently tried to mend the relationship, friend X simply wasn’t willing to seek resolution and I don’t blame her for such a response. There were consequences to my actions.

Unlike my friend’s tell, whereby she repeatedly attempted to convince herself that she didn’t care about a particular matter, I actually cared for friend X and our relationship. Regrettably, my behavior ruined a meaningful friendship. (Lesson learned.)

Helpfully, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.

Thus, I’ve long since accepted that friend X may actually not care to allow reparation of our friendship. When learning of the anecdote used herein, what comes to your mind in regard to self-disturbance, rationalization, and acceptance?

Is it the case that you sincerely don’t care when expressing IDC narratives? Do you find that instead of relieving an uncomfortable experience you actually work yourself up into a more upset disposition, as was the case for friend X?

Do you also use a sour grapes or sweet lemons approach to persuading yourself that you have no interest or concern when in actuality you care quite a bit? And when relationships dissolve, are you able to tolerate and accept when people truly don’t care enough to mend matters?

Many years eventually passed before I discovered REBT. Many more years were needed before I practiced its helpful techniques on a routine basis. (I had to get out of my own way.)

Now, I offer assistance to you so that rather than lying to yourself about how little you supposedly care you can get out of your own way. If you’d like to know more about REBT, then I look forward to hearing from you. (That is, presuming you care enough to make a change.)

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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