Adding Fuel to the Fire

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Concerning this blogpost, some defining terms may be necessary. First, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines a habit thusly:

[A] well-learned behavior or automatic sequence of behaviors that is relatively situation specific and over time has become motorically reflexive and independent of motivational or cognitive influence—that is, it is performed with little or no conscious intent. For example, the act of hair twirling may eventually occur without the individual’s conscious awareness.

Second, the APA defines habit formation as “the process by which, through repetition or conditioning, animals or humans acquire a behavior that becomes regular and increasingly easy to perform.” Formation of the habit regarding hair twirling serves as an acquired behavior.

Lastly, the APA defines habituation as “the process of growing accustomed to a situation or stimulus.” As an example, a person may twirl one’s hair only when bored. Thus, in school or at a jobsite, an individual may habitually engage in hair twirling when lacking interest in an event.

With understanding of these terms, it’s worth noting that not all habits are unproductive, unhealthy, unnecessary, and so forth. For instance, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus who stated (page 153):

Every habit and capability is confirmed and grows in its corresponding actions, walking by walking, and running by running . . . therefore, if you want to do something make a habit of it, if you don’t want to do that, don’t, but make a habit of something else instead.

The same principle is at work in our state of mind. When you get angry, you’ve not only experienced that evil, but you’ve also reinforced a bad habit, adding fuel to the fire.

For now, I’ll set aside the spiritually moralistic term “evil,” as I’ll instead refer to some forms of anger—though not all such angry experiences—as merely unhelpful. After all, I know a thing or two about varying forms of anger. As an example, I stated in a blogpost entitled Hulk:

[M]y identification with Bruce Banner and the Hulk speaks to the crux of this blogpost. Metaphorically speaking, there’s a Hulk inside of me. He’s been there for as long as I can recall.

He’s served his purpose well, perceivably keeping me safe from the danger of childhood trauma. He sharpened his skills, gathered strength, and challenged himself as a means of growth in association with suffering when I hung out with gang members in adolescence.

In that blog entry, I noted a useful expression of anger that allowed me to survive many unpleasant experiences during my youth. Still, unfavorably, I developed a habit whereby the process of habit formation allowed anger to become my habituated go-to response for conflict.

Epictetus proposed that “if you want to do something make a habit of it,” as I once wanted to resolve conflict as quickly as possible. Because I had so little control and influence in my youth, my hypothetical alter ego (Hulk) was strengthened once I was able to impact matters as I aged.

Thus, I considered becoming the very beast (of sorts) that I’d so frequently tried to avoid within my youth. Of this, Epictetus stated, “When you get angry, you’ve not only experienced that evil, but you’ve also reinforced a bad habit, adding fuel to the fire.” Given this, in Hulk, I also stated:

At least in the comic books and on film, Hulk was depicted as a superhero. I, on the other hand, was something akin to a public menace. Whereas others may be averse to such experience, I thrived in rage, hostility, aggression, and violence.

Productively, adding fuel to the fire of anger allowed me to eventually stick up for myself so that no one could abuse me again. Unproductively, adding fuel to the fire of anger resulted in my harming others with my nonadaptive behavior. Thus, I unhelpfully used a false dilemma.

Either I would be a victim, or I’d be a Hulking beast that wasn’t victimized. In REBT, this rigid personal script is known as a conditional belief. When using this unhelpful either-or philosophy of life, I failed to consider healthy alternative options.

For instance, I could’ve opted not to perpetuate the cycle of violence. In this way, I wouldn’t have been a victim or a monster, as I’d simply have chosen to disrupt the intergenerational cycle of violence up with which I was raised. As such, I also stated in Hulk:

I have a monster inside of me. Of this, I’m not ashamed. [Jordan] Peterson’s [quote is valuable to me, as] he once stated, “A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control.”

For the record, in a subsequent blogpost entitled No Monsters, I made the rational case that there aren’t any monsters amongst us. Rather, there are merely fallible human beings. Still, when flawed individuals begin adding fuel to the fire of habit, we can behave monstrously!

Thus, what habit formation in which we engage, and to which we become habituated, matters. Regarding this perspective, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 153):

“We are what we repeatedly do,” Aristotle said, “therefore, excellence is not an act but a habit.” The Stoics add to that that we are a product of our thoughts (“Such as are your habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of your mind,” Marcus Aurelius put it).

Forgive me for quibbling with this framing of the matter. When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, I invite individuals to understand that people aren’t their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, or behavior. For instance, when I experience anger, I’m not therefore anger itself.

When I maintain unaccommodating thoughts or beliefs which then anger me, I’m not thereafter anger itself. When I behave in an angry manner, I’m not thus anger itself. So, even if the Stoics maintained that “we are a product of our thoughts,” then they mis-framed this matter.

Nonetheless, I grant the inferred meaning of the proposition, even though we aren’t what we repeatedly do. Still, adding fuel to the fire of habitually unhealthy beliefs which cause unpleasant outcomes isn’t helpful. In closing, authors of The Daily Stoic encourage (page 153):

Think about your activities of the last week as well as what you have planned for today and the week that follows. The person you’d like to be, or the person you see yourself as—how closely do your actions actually correspond to him or her? Which fire are you fueling? Which person are you becoming?

Given this perspective, I’ve put in the basement within my mind the Hulk that once apparently served my interests and goals for never again being abused by anyone. He still resides in the proverbial house of my mind, though the Hulk trait isn’t needed any longer.

These days, what better serves my desires and the ends to which effort is applied is sharing the techniques of REBT so that people can self-deterministically and autonomously decide whether or not their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, or behavior are serving them well.

Adding fuel to the fire when cooking one’s food may be a useful affair. Adding fuel to the fire when battering someone who is mis-perceived as a threat to one’s safety may be unnecessary. Adding fuel to the fire when twirling one’s hair may neither be helpful nor unhelpful.

Ultimately, what fuel you use and to what you apply it is what matters most. Now, I invite you to contemplate this Stoic lesson. If you have any questions, concerns, or comments regarding this and other REBT lessons, then I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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