Changing Behavior

[DISCLAIMER]

In childhood, my dad instilled in me his Jehovah’s Witnesses beliefs. Aside from it being disagreeable to celebrate humans rather than Jehovah, I was taught that birthdays were pagan in origin and told that early Christians didn’t participate in such festivities.

As well, I was instructed that Ecclesiastes 7:1 states, “A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one’s birth. At birth, a person’s mettle wasn’t tested. Yet, how one lived – as measured upon one’s death – was more important.

Still, because my parents divorced when I was three-years-old and I lived with my mom, I was encouraged to celebrate birthdays in the absence of my dad. Then, from half of fifth to half of seventh grade, I resided with my dad.

Although he forbade birthday celebrations, my late stepmom acknowledged the day upon which I was born. Subsequently, from half of seventh grade through my freshmen year, I lived in a children’s home. At that time, birthday festivities were widely accepted.

A family from a church congregation of which I was a member took me into their home from my sophomore to half of my senior year, as they also celebrated birthdays, and I returned to the children’s home thereafter. Throughout my entire childhood, I remained in contact with my dad.

I wanted to garner favor with him. On one hand, biblical evidence cited by my dad seemed to support the Jehovah’s Witnesses outlook. For instance, in Matthew 2, the wise men (Magi, who were pagan) were said to have given Jesus “gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh” (verse 11).

On the other hand, I had a lot of fun celebrating my birthday. Therefore, I grew up confused about what to believe and how to behave. Viewing this matter through the proverbial lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I now consider the ABC model.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

As an example, when I was in high school, my friends threw a surprise party for me (Action) and I Believed, “I’m a bad son, because I shouldn’t go against the teachings from my dad.” With this unaccommodating self-narrative, I then experienced guilt (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Without understanding of REBT, I spent many years experiencing guilt about my participation in birthday celebrations. As well, I took part in Christmas festivities at times while also chastising Christians for the same behavior at others times. About this, I said in the post Changing Beliefs:

As a child, my dad didn’t need to contend with non-factual information when informing me that Santa wasn’t real and that Christmas wasn’t actually a Christian holiday—which it certainly isn’t. Therefore, his lessons were accepted by me with ease.

As an adult, I attempted to change the beliefs of other adults about Christmas, though my brunt approach was highly ineffective. Because I used unproductive demands about this matter, I wound up self-disturbing about what I perceived was the unwillingness of people to consider truth.

Now, with less rigidity and improved understanding about Bayes’ theorem, I realize that the process of changing beliefs takes time. Small belief updates occur incrementally and once these considerations are accepted over time, transformative change can eventually occur.

With understanding of REBT, I’ve learned to change both my beliefs and by behavior. While I still don’t celebrate my own birthday, I’ve participated in birthday and other holiday celebrations for and with people from my close circle of relationships. About my actions, I have zero guilt.

When further contemplating this matter, the 2012 album The Idea of Beautiful by lyricist Rapsody comes to mind. Specifically, the track “Destiny”, which was produced by Khrysis, stands out. Lyrics include the following:

Jehovah’s Witness, I never had a Christmas

Never really missed it

Toys on a wish list

Papa worked night shift to make sure my life lit

Like them trees with them angel wings and some nice gifts

Not a single birthday party wit’ a cake lit

Never had to blow out candles for my wishes

Told anything that I dreamed I could be if

I worked at it, had to put the drive into automatic

One element about the cited lyrics that I appreciate, aside from our similar upbringings, is how Rapsody advocates working at her interests and goals in order to attain success. Regarding a similar message, I stated in a blogpost entitled Doing the Work:

I negotiate homework with clients, as the majority of their psychotherapeutic work occurs outside of sessions. Whether in- or outside of sessions, there remains an emphasis on the word “work” that is aimed at helping people get better rather than merely feeling better.

Conclusively, when changing behavior, it’s a worthwhile use of time to practice REBT. This can be done in- and outside of sessions. In fact, you can do it right now! After all, REBT is a self-help method of rational living. You don’t have to attend therapy in order to reap the benefits!

Using this psychotherapeutic modality is how I broke free from the self-imposed chains of guilt regarding birthday and other holiday celebrations – all without going to therapy! Thus, if you’re also interested in changing behavior, then you can begin by daily practicing the ABC model.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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