Manipulation

[DISCLAIMER]

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding the circle of control and USA, I acknowledge that I can control my reaction to undesirable events, though I likely can’t control most people, places, or circumstances that I experience. Of course, there are limited exceptions to this standard and principle.

As an example, when I worked as military police, I sometimes took physical control of other people’s bodies when effecting apprehensions. Even with the obvious instance be controlling one’s movements, I wasn’t in control of the minds regarding the people I arrested.

Concerning the circle of influence and UOA, I admit that I may be able to influence other people, places, and situations, yet there’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to persuade other individuals, locations, or events in a meaningful way. Therefore, I have exceedingly limited influence.

For instance, as you’re reading this blogpost, I’m attempting to influence your knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of UA. Still, given the little time spent on my posts, as evidenced by analytics, it’s more likely that I’m not influencing anyone to practice REBT through my website.

Relating to the circle of concern and ULA, I recognize that in this impermanent and uncertain life it’s highly improbable that perfection exists. Even if one were to attain a perceptibly perfect outcome, the individual who completed the task isn’t entirely without fault or defect.

For example, you score a 100 out of 100 points on an exam, with no possibility of scoring higher. Nevertheless, you attained the high score as uncontrollable thoughts likely entered your mind and while slowly en route to your inevitable death, as is what happens to fallible humans.

As for the area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which an alternate version of you made entirely of rubber is reading this post on a slice of toast, that’s plain nonsensical. I suspect you have enough things on which to focus in this life than to imagine potentialities in another life.

Given the framing of USA, UOA, ULA, and the circles of control, influence, and concern outlined herein, I now invite you to consider that I sometimes receive pushback to psychoeducational lessons on UA. Specifically, I advocate focus on control and influence.

For instance, I stated in The Cartesian Crisis: What Do I Control? What Do I Influence?, “when providing lessons on REBT regarding crises of the Cartesian variety, I invite people to use a tool by asking themselves two questions: (1) What do I control? (2) What do I influence?”

However, the resistance I at times receive to practicing UA is expressed as something along the lines of, “I understand that I can control my reaction, though influencing other people seems manipulative.” I can comprehend why people maintain this belief.

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines manipulation as “behavior designed to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one’s advantage.” In essence, attempting to influence others to “one’s advantage” meets the definitional criteria of manipulation.

However, healthily trying to influence others isn’t the same behavior as unhealthily manipulating them. Admittedly, this is a subjective, rather than objective, matter. Therefore, I encourage you to consider what one source states about unhealthy manipulative behavior:

Methods someone may use to manipulate another person may include seduction, suggestion, coercion, and blackmail. Manipulation is generally considered a dishonest form of social influence as it is used at the expense of others. Humans are inherently capable of manipulative and deceptive behavior, with the main differences being that of specific personality characteristics or disorders.

I invite you to ponder that herein I’m healthily suggesting that you practice REBT. In this way, the APA defines suggestion as “an idea or potential course of action presented to another for consideration.” Is my attempt to influence you to practice REBT done at your expense? No!

The content within my blog is free of charge. As well, you can ignore anything I say, which is apparently the routine practice of others, as evidenced by analytics on my website. Oh well, too bad! If I can’t healthily influence you, then I’ll simply control my reaction to this matter.

Alternatively, if I were to attempt to unhealthily influence you by way of manipulative suggestion, implying that if you didn’t accept the practice of UA I’d use artificial intelligence to design an algorithm to track you down, then my form of influence would be at your expense.

The difference between healthy influence and unhealthy manipulation regards implied or actual harm (to damage or injure physiologically or psychologically). Ergo, healthy use of the circle of influence and UOA isn’t a matter of unhealthy manipulation. There are no strings attached!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use

References:

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