We Buy Things We Don't Need, to Impress People We Don't Like

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On I Pledge Allegiance to the Grind II (2008), lyricist Killer Mike released “Grandma’s House” in which he stated, “Barely sixteen, with a dope man dream. Since thirteen, with a flea market ring. Me and my brother buying fake-ass gold, trying to impress them fake-ass hoes.”

In adolescence, I also tried to impress girls with tangible items. For example, in high school, I made contact with a Bomb City hustler (“T-Bone”) who negotiated a payment plan for the sale of his BMW 325i. It turned out to be a dangerous ordeal, though his sales pitch was enticing.

“Say, young blood,” T-Bone said to me when using a term of endearment expressed by black people at the time, “you see this ride here? You gon’ be drivin’ down the street, and girls just gon’ be throwin’ they panties at you!” I’d never before experienced such an event.

As a moderately attractive teen, even if I thought of myself as being ugly, it wasn’t as though I had difficulty attaining the attention of adolescent girls. Therefore, I didn’t need the car offered to me by T-Bone. Yet, I desired the experience sold to me by the hustler.

To state it less crudely than expressed by Killer Mike, I wanted to obtain objects of value to impress girls who otherwise wouldn’t have been interested in me. That’s the opportunity that a BMW 325i with two 15” subwoofers and blue plush velour interior would’ve afforded me.

For context, when I was in high school, the film New Jersey Drive (1995) was released. It was so influential to hip hop that the movie was accompanied by not one but two soundtracks. On New Jersey Drive, Vol. 1 was the track “Benz or Beamer” by legendary hip hop duo Outkast.

A “Beamer” is slang for a BMW. On the song, lyricist André 3000 stated, “Ask me if that material shit is worth your life. I don’t know about yours, but if so, you smokin’ pipes, right?” The pipes to which he referred were crack cocaine smoke delivery devices.

The implication is that if one irrationally believed that a tangible item was worth one’s own life (e.g., during the course of a carjacking event), then one empirically must be out of one’s own mind. A similar argument may be made about one attaining physical items to impress others.

I was young and naïve for involving myself with someone like T-Bone. Still, I bought into the idea of needing something to impress people who I didn’t even know, let alone like. Noteworthy, on the video version of “Benz or Beamer”, talented hip hop poet Big Rube states in the outro:

Imagine bein’ able to control your own destiny, shape your own future, and then, one mistake take all that away. The reality of it is, you do control your own destiny and future, and one mistake will take all that away. Think about it.

Indeed, I made a mistake by continuing to offer payments to T-Bone’s various affiliates. He eventually “repossessed” the BMW, as he referred to the matter, and threatened me when I protested. Regarding this topic, I stated in a blogpost entitled They Best to be Ready to Move:

Apparently, T-Bone found a teenage boy upon whom he could run a con job (scheme to swindle or deceive someone). I was essentially allowed to rent the vehicle until a time when he had other plans for the car, though this was never our expressed agreement. I believed I was buying the car.

When I threatened legal action, T-Bone paid a visit to my home and threatened me with physical violence. I then informed my gangbanging friends about the matter and one of the gang members devised a plan to murder the man. I objected and pursued other means to an end.

Although I was naïve, I wasn’t smokin’ pipes! Murder for a bad faith deal wasn’t logical and reasonable (collectively “rational”). I understood that much in high school! Also, in the vein of Big Rube’s assertion, I comprehended that it was I who controlled my own destiny and future.

Nevertheless, I continued repeating nonadaptive behavior thereafter in regard to buying things I didn’t need to impress people I didn’t like, or who didn’t have my best interests and goals in mind. Further contemplating this matter, I think about a book that I’ve been steadily reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The helpful REBT tool of unconditional acceptance (UA), founded in Stoicism, recognizes that one’s own level of control is exceedingly limited. For instance, regarding T-Bone, the only thing I controlled was my reaction to his behavior. About this, philosopher Epictetus stated (page 105):

If you should ever turn your will to things outside your control in order to impress someone, be sure that you have wrecked your whole purpose in life. Be content, then, to be a philosopher in all that you do, and if you wish also to be seen as one, show yourself first that you are and you will succeed.

Suppose T-Bone never “repossessed” the BMW 325i and that the girls I wanted to throw their panties at me actually did. So what? I would’ve attained the attention of individuals who liked me only for the car I drove. That was evident once the car was taken away.

I don’t recall the same girls at Amarillo High School (AHS) – who gawked over that vehicle and asked me for rides during the relatively brief period of time T-Bone allowed me to keep the car – paying me any mind thereafter. They didn’t like me. In actuality, I didn’t like them much either.

The same rational perspective is accurate for anyone since that period of time. The impressiveness of tangible items is fleeting. Regarding this outlook, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 105):

Is there anything sadder than the immense lengths we’ll go to impress someone? The things we’ll do to earn someone’s approval can seem, when examined in retrospect, like the result of some temporary form of insanity. [“…smoking pipes, right?”]

Suddenly we’re wearing uncomfortable, ridiculous clothes we’ve been told are cool, eating differently, talking differently, eagerly waiting for a call or text. If we did these things because we liked it, that would be one thing. But that’s not what it is. It’s just a means to an end—to get someone to give us the nod.

“When you gonna take me for a ride in your car?” one AHS girl asked me. I didn’t even know her! She saw me in the school parking lot, heard bass from lyricist Spice 1’s song emanating from my ride, and thought it acceptable to express her self-entitlement to a complete stranger.

Meanwhile, an AHS football player sat in my front seat as we listened to “187 Proof” from the lyricist’s underrated debut studio album Spice 1 (1992). I didn’t typically associate with jocks like that! So, why were these people paying attention to me? The BMW, of course.

I was making payments to T-Bone for a car. Meanwhile, AHS students were making payments to me with their attention regarding the car. That entire payment process was a fool’s errand (a needless or profitless endeavor). About this, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 105):

The irony, as Marcus Aurelius points out repeatedly, is that the people whose opinion we covet are not all that great. They’re flawed—they’re distracted and wowed by all sorts of silly things themselves. We know this and yet we don’t want to think about it.

To quote Fight Club again, “We buy things we don’t need, to impress people we don’t like.” Doesn’t that sound pretty ridiculous? But more than that, isn’t it about as far as possible as you can get from the serenity and security that philosophy can provide?

I think it’s important to state things in their proper context. Rather than presenting a watered-down version of a movie quote, I invite you to consider that in the film Fight Club, character Tyler Durden actually states:

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives.

We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.

It appears as though Durden could’ve benefited from practice of REBT’s ABC model and UA, because it’s one’s own irrational beliefs which cause unpleasant consequences – not the fact that one has been lied to in life. The same is correct regarding the hustle that T-Bone ran on me.

The same is true for you when buying things you don’t need, to impress people you don’t like—as those are imperfect people, like you. Now, I invite you to consider a Stoic approach to rational living.  As said by Big Rube, “You do control your own destiny and future […] Think about it.”

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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