Give Me Some Elbow Room

[DISCLAIMER]

During my freshman year of high school, hip hop collective Da Lench Mob released its debut album, Guerillas in tha Mist (1992). One track in particular stood out to me, “Guerillas in tha Mist”, because a line from the song encapsulated my perspective at the time.

It states, “Give me some elbow room! I need some elbow room, so I can boom shak-a-laka boom! That’s the sound of the twenty gauge [shotgun]. Lock us up, and the Lench Mob can break out of any cage!”

At the time of the track’s release, I lived in a children’s home. The year prior, in eighth grade, houseparents at the home expressed that I recommendatorily should’ve joined the football team, because organized sports supposedly would’ve helped with frequent anger that I experienced.

I don’t blame the concerned individuals for their ignorance about how external situations likely can’t resolve internal circumstances. Ostensibly, neither they nor I understood that the trauma response I endured wasn’t helped by acting out aggressively on a football field.

Additionally, it didn’t help that I was bullied by my team members. Still, my caring houseparent told me, “When you’re on the field and you’re angry, just hit someone… anyone!” And that’s precisely what I did.

When crowded during football plays, I physically assaulted and battered people in an attempt to gain some elbow room (establishment of adequate space, with the freedom to move, in a particular situation). This particular behavior is known as “throwing [striking] bows [elbows].”

As an example, on his 2000 album Back for the First Time, Ludacris released the song “Southern Hospitality”, featuring Pharrell Williams, on which the lyricist stated, “When you get on the [dance] floor, nigga, throw dem bows!” When I was on the football field, I threw dem bows!

Unfavorably, my attempt to establish elbow room by acting out aggression did little to resolve my self-disturbed condition. However, with no alternative solution to the problems I faced at the time, I continued playing football through my freshman year of high school.

That’s when “Guerillas in tha Mist” was released. Fortunately for me and others, I didn’t have a shotgun to resolve my issues, as that’s the inference made on the track (i.e., boom shak-a-laka boom). Nevertheless, I continued to upset myself with an absolutistic should belief.

In particular, I maintained a nonadaptive philosophy of life by which I internally told an imaginary audience to “give me some elbow room, I need some elbow room!” The distorted inference was, “I absolutely should have adequate space to move in any situation!”

I carried that narrative with me to Marine Security Guard (MSG) training in 1999, when several other MSGs and I were sternly reprimanded by firearms instructors for shooting heads of targets with shotgun slugs. “You keep that up, and you’re all going to see the wizard,” we were told.

Regarding that particular program, “wizard” was the term used for the staff psychologist. To my surprise, when visiting with the mental, emotional, and behavioral health provider for mandatory screening, he addressed the headshot issue. (Such behavior was considered excessively violent.)

“I hear you were blowing the heads off targets with shotgun slugs at the range,” the psychologist stated. In my mind, I heard, “Give me some elbow room! I need some elbow room, so I can boom shak-a-laka boom,” though I didn’t dare respond with a lyric from Da Lench Mob.

I wound up passing MSG school. Yet, I used unhelpful beliefs frequently enough that the wizard eventually paid a visit to my second post (Lima, Peru) and relieved me of my duties. It’s while remembering that period of my life that I now think of the psychotherapeutic modality I practice.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Unhelpfully, I disturbed myself even after being removed from my diplomatic mission in South America. At my successive military command, I was twice placed in a brig. Correlated with this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Greek Stoic Epictetus who stated (page 84):

If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?

When my body was placed in the brig, there were plenty of moments – regarding many individuals – during which I wanted to throw dem bows! Through the lens of the ABC model, I now realize that my attempt to get some elbow room had little to do with my situation.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is how you disturb yourself.

Addressing how you upset yourself with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. In this vein, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 84):

Instinctively, we protect our physical selves. We don’t let people touch us, push us around, control where we go. But when it comes to the mind, we’re less disciplined. We hand it over willingly to social media, to television, to what other people are doing, thinking, or saying.

We sit down to work and the next thing you know, we’re browsing the Internet. We sit down with our families, but within minutes we have our phones out. We sit down peacefully in a park, but instead of looking inward, we’re judging people as they pass by.

Regarding protection of the physical self, when in MSG training I was admonished for allegedly being “too sensitive” concerning attempts by other Marines to touch me. This behavior, carried over from childhood, wasn’t of concern to me.

I considered a “give me some elbow room” standard reasonable. In retrospect, I even used a preferential should belief about physical contact. In essence, I believed, “Preferably, you shouldn’t touch me without my permission.” (I currently maintain this reasonable norm.)

When training for my job as military police (MP), this standard was upheld by my MP instructor. “You never know who intends to do you harm,” he said, “so if someone puts hands on you, then you take them down.” Here, there’s a distinction between preferential and conditional beliefs.

The former is flexible. Yet, a conditional should belief is rigid. For instance, when people violated my preferential belief, I was healthily distressed (i.e., annoyed). Yet when a conditional belief was violated, as advocated by my MP instructor, I was unhealthily disturbed (i.e., angry).

During MSG training, when my conditional belief was violated, I developed a reputation as the Marine who would instantly execute arm-bar takedowns. This, too, was apparently a concerning matter for the wizard.

“You have to stop being so sensitive,” he said when using an absolutistic should statement. “So I should just let people touch me, even though I don’t want to be touched?” I responded while using an ideal should question. “Yes,” the wizard urged.

Therein was my dilemma. On one hand, I desired elbow room. On the other hand, I had an interest and goal to graduate MSG school. If I inflexibly demanded elbow room, I wouldn’t pass the program. If I went along with the wizard’s advisement, I’d graduate. I opted for the latter.

In contrast to what authors of The Daily Stoic stated, I mindfully allowed people to touch me – even when I didn’t like or love that a perceived threat to the self may’ve occurred. This regards control. Contrarily, regarding absentmindedness, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 84):

We don’t even know that we’re doing this. We don’t realize how much waste is in it, how inefficient and distracted it makes us. And what’s worse—no one is making this happen. It’s totally self-inflicted.

To the Stoics, this is an abomination. They know that the world can control our bodies—we can be thrown in jail or be tossed about by the weather. But the mind? That’s ours. We must protect it. Maintain control over your mind and perceptions, they’d say. It’s your most prized possession.

Having twice been subjected to pretrial detention in a military brig, I comprehend how extreme measures may be taken in order to control one’s body. Moreover, I can attest to the fact that when my freedom of movement was hampered, only I was in control of my mind.

Likewise, when letting go of a disadvantageous belief about being touched during MSG training, I controlled my mind so that I could achieve success with a goal. Allow me not to mince words herein. I still wanted to throw dem bows when other Marines touched me without permission.

Nonetheless, I was able to adapt my belief to a more appropriate level of behavior which was suitable to my environment. Thus, despite my desire, I allowed others to touch me if or when the situation required contact. Once I left Lima and returned to MP work, I readjusted my actions.

When performing law enforcement duties, a “give me some elbow room, I need some elbow room” method of behaving was appropriate for the setting. Now, I invite you to consider the psychoeducational lesson contained within this blogpost.

You may desire or demand the establishment of adequate space, with the freedom to move, in a particular situation. Even so, is your behavior (that’s influenced by your mind)—which only you control—well-suited to your circumstance? If not, then perhaps REBT may be of use to you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit (edited), fair use

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