Hold Yourself to a Higher Standard but Not an Impossible One

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Have you given much thought about personal standards (levels of quality, achievement, performance, etc., which are considered acceptable or desirable)? Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic quote ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca who stated (page 200):

Philosophy calls for simple [free from vanity] living, but not for penance [an act of self-abasement, mortification, or devotion performed to show sorrow or repentance for sin]—it’s quite possible to be simple without being crude [marked by the primitive, gross, or elemental or by uncultivated simplicity or vulgarity].

Do your personal standards serve your interests and goals? Whereas an interest (i.e., desire) is defined as the state of wanting to learn about or do something, a goal (i.e., objective) is defined as the end toward which effort is directed.

Often, people engage in self-flagellation (extreme criticism [critical observation] of oneself) rather than engaging in self-improvement (the act or process of improving oneself by one’s own actions) regarding personal standards. Are you guilty of the former while neglecting the latter?

Sometimes, in order to motivate me toward my desires while pursuing objectives, I engage in playful self-deprecation (tending or serving to disparage or undervalue oneself). For example, I’ve referred to myself as “fat Deric” during periods of excessive or extreme weight gain:

In that photo, taken when I was in graduate school for social work (2012-2014), I’d studied and practiced REBT long enough to understand that playfully calling myself “fat Deric” actually motivated me to lose weight. Not everyone is capable of using self-deprecation in that manner.

In fact, some people hold themselves to a standard of impossibility rather than merely a higher one. Regarding this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 200):

[Marcus Aurelius’s] meditations are filled with self-criticism [the act of or capacity for criticizing one’s own faults or shortcomings] and so are the writings of other Stoics. It’s important to remember, however, that that’s as far as it goes.

There was no self-flagellation, no paying penance, no self-esteem [a confidence and satisfaction in oneself] issues from guilt or self-loathing [self-hatred]. You never hear them call themselves worthless pieces of crap, nor do they ever starve or cut themselves as punishment. Their self-criticism is constructive.

While I’ve experienced episodes of anorexia throughout my life, I knew that when referring to myself as “fat Deric” it was also my binge eating behavior that resulted in my size. Therefore, I was careful not to partake in further unhealthy habits when engaging in self-improvement.

Not all people retain the intellectual and emotional insight to approach weight loss as I did when in graduate school. As suggested by the authors, some people use global evaluations (i.e., calling “themselves worthless pieces of crap”) and make matters far worse for themselves.

Use of playful self-deprecation may not be suitable for such people. Aside from other matters, these individuals may end up establishing and maintaining standards up to which they cannot live. Concerning this cohort of individuals, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 200):

Laying into yourself, unduly depriving yourself, punishing yourself—that’s self-flagellation, not self-improvement. No need to be too hard on yourself. Hold yourself to a higher standard but not an impossible one. And forgive yourself if and when you slip up.

Self-improvement involves flexibility, not rigidity. If self-deprecation isn’t your slice of cake when focusing on personal interests and goals, then I invite you to consider what does work for you. After all, your personal standards aren’t mine. Therefore, find what works for you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Binge eating. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/binge-eating

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Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

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Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility

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