How You Pray: Thoughts and Prayers

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

For this blogpost, some context is necessary. I was brought up religious, subscribing to the tenets of the Jehovah’s Witnesses early on and then with the doctrines of the Churches of Christ. Thus, I once engaged in prayer which the American Psychological Association thusly defines:

[C]ommunication (voiced or contemplative) with a deity or other such entity, generally for the purposes of praise, thanksgiving, supplication, or self-examination or to seek forgiveness, guidance, or serenity. The behavior has been studied periodically at least since William James (see psychology of religion), with varied results.

For instance, researchers and practitioners have noted, on the one hand, that prayer can be used as a defense or escape from the exploration of painful issues and as a form of magical thinking and, on the other hand, that it can be both cognitively meaningful and therapeutically beneficial in some conditions for those with specific religious beliefs or spirituality.

Much work has been done, since the late 1970s, by a growing body of researchers to integrate religious values and practices with psychotherapy. In appropriate circumstances, prayer may be explicitly used by some therapists as a component of intervention and treatment.

The therapist and client may pray individually or together for such goals as personal or interpersonal healing, forgiveness, and the ability to examine problems freely and with discernment.

When I was a Christian, I prayed several times a day. Now, I’m agnostic (a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality, such as a supreme being, is unknown and probably unknowable). Nevertheless, I appreciate that ancient Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius stated (page 282):

Try praying differently, and see what happens: Instead of asking for ‘a way to sleep with her,’ try asking for ‘a way to stop desiring to sleep with her.’ Instead of ‘a way to get rid of him,’ try asking for ‘a way to not crave his demise.’ Instead of ‘a way to not lose my child,’ try asking for ‘a way to lose my fear of it.’

Aurelius’s perspective envelops what I was taught as a Christian. Specifically, praying to Jehovah as if He was some sort of genie that fulfills wishes wasn’t how I prayed. Rather, I prayed as a matter of personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”).

For instance, I practiced personal ownership regarding how I mistreated others – praying for knowledge, wisdom, and understanding to correct my nonadaptive behavior. That form of prayer wasn’t needlessly selfish. Similarly, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 282):

Prayer has a religious connotation, but in life we all find ourselves hoping and asking for things. In a tough situation, we might silently ask for help; or, after a tough break, for a second chance from above; during a sports game, we might sit on the edge of our seat wishing for some outcome.

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon,” we say. “Please . . .” Even if it is to no one in particular, we’re still praying. Yet it’s so revealing in these moments, when we’re privately, powerfully yearning for something, just how nakedly selfish our requests usually are.

I recall playing football in eighth and ninth grade, as team captains would lead athletes in prayer. Meanwhile, across the football field, the opposing team was also engaged in presumably the same sort of selfish prayer—appealing to a deity that favored one sports team over another.

Even now, I observe politicians and their acolytes praying for victory in war—appealing to a deity to favor one country over another. Is this how you pray, as well? If so, then I invite you to consider that authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 282):

We want divine intervention so that our lives will magically be easier. But what about asking for fortitude and strength so you can do what you need to do?

What if you sought clarity on what you do control, what is already within your power? You might find your prayers have already been answered.

These days, I approach prayer from a humanistic view—the notion that fallible human beings can take personal ownership of their outcomes while having the power to effect logical and reasonable (collectively “rational”) change (e.g., not wishing or praying to win the lottery).

Arguably, as a matter of rational living, how you pray from a humanistic perspective yields valid and reliable results more so than a “thoughts and prayers” approach to ethereal intervention. Regarding this phrase, one source states:

“Thoughts and prayers” is a phrase commonly used by politicians, public figures, and celebrities, particularly in the United States, as a condolence after a deadly event such as a natural disaster or mass shooting.

Critics of the phrase find it trite from overuse, feeling that it is used as an expression of apathy or a signal that the speaker will take no action to prevent similar events. […] Defenders of the phrase suggest it is effective in bringing comfort to victims and that critics wish to politicize tragedy.

“Thoughts and prayers” relies on irrational vibes and emotions. Alternatively, personal ownership and humanism is a matter of rationally assessing what is and isn’t within one’s ability to control or influence. On this topic, I’m reminded of a meme about which one source states:

In the United States, the Shocker is a hand gesture with a sexual connotation. The index, middle, and little fingers are extended, while the ring finger is curled or bent down. The index and middle fingers are held together. The thumb may be tucked against the palm or – in a variation on the gesture – extended.

The gesture refers to the sex act of inserting the index and middle fingers into a partner’s vagina and the little finger into their anus, the latter of which is presumed to “shock” them. If the thumb is extended, it refers to simultaneously stimulating their clitoris. The hand gesture is not necessarily practical for the sex act it represents, however.

The standard form of the gesture is known colloquially as “two in the pink, one in the stink”, referring to the number of fingers inserted into the vagina and anus.

Photo credit, fair use

The Shocker is about as useful as reliance on “thoughts and prayers”—without taking personal ownership which is within your circle of control and circle of influence. If religious devotion to a deity (or deities) is what you maintain, then even that matter is within your circle of concern.

That is unless you irrationally believe you wield power over a deity (or deities). Personally, two hopes in the thoughts and one wish in the prayers isn’t a method of rationality. Therefore, I humanistically take personal ownership by focusing on what I can control and influence.

Perhaps you disagree. That’s fine. As well, maybe your irrational beliefs about my use of a crude meme cause your distressed or disturbed condition. No worries. Pray about it. Now, how you pray may matter more than the fact that you pray. Ergo, Stoic prayer (even secularly) may help.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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