It's Just Easy Come and Easy Go: Tolerance and Acceptance

[DISCLAIMER]

When living in a children’s home during high school, a family with whom I attended Churches of Christ services asked me to live with them. They had a daughter, who was in the same grade as I and to whom I’ll refer as “Antebellum,” who at one point drove a red Chevrolet Corsica.

Whether or not Antebellum knew I was in love with her for many years remains unknown, as we fell out of contact a couple decades ago. Nevertheless, she was my first love (the first person one loves in a romantic way) which was ultimately unrequited (not reciprocated or returned in kind).

In effect, when I revealed my affection for Antebellum to her mother, I was told “put that out of your mind, because it will never be.” In so many words, her mom explained that Deuteronomy 7:3 forbade intermixing of tribes, races, ethnicities, and cultures.

Whereas Antebellum was white, I was predominately biracial (white and black). Apparently, my genetic admixture was already an affront to the Creator. Thus, there would be no further infraction of His divine prescription for humanity by Antebellum and I mixing our genes.

Looking back from the perspective of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), through the proverbial lens of the ABC model, I self-disturbed quite a bit with irrational beliefs about what I was told. In fact, I induced suffering so severe that I evoked unpleasant depressive symptoms.

Specifically, I used global evaluation (i.e., life is worthless without her), low frustration tolerance (i.e., I can’t stand not being with her), awfulization (i.e., it’s terrible not having Antebellum’s love), and demandingness (i.e., I absolutely must be given the opportunity to be with her).

I begged to be sent back to the children’s home, to no avail. I then acted out to such an extent that my maladaptive behavior resulted in me being kicked out of Antebellum’s home. Back to the children’s home I went, as I self-disturbed to a state of agony (intense pain of mind or body).

Eventually, I mended the relationship with that family. For a little over a decade after having graduated high school, we remained very close. I even stood on stage with Antebellum as an invited member of her wedding party, as there were many nights during which I dreamt of her.

Years after Antebellum and I lost contact, I entered the field of professional care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”). That’s when I learned of REBT. What I found most helpful was discovery of a healthy method for tolerance and acceptance.

In particular, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

For example, looking at a photo of Antebellum’s Corsica, I admit that the only thing I controlled during periods when I self-disturbed over unrequited love was my reaction to the matter (USA). As well, Antebellum’s mom wasn’t open to influence, as many people simply aren’t (UOA).

Additionally, I acknowledge that the past is past—completely inalterable, and that in an impermanent and uncertain life there are no guarantees for reciprocated or returned affection (ULA). Each of these UA scripts is true, even if I don’t like or love that this is the case.

When contemplating this healthy psychoeducational lesson, I also think of Texas country music singer-songwriter Hayes Carll’s debut album Flowers & Liquor (2002) which contains the song “Easy Come Easy Go”. Arguably about unrequited love with a UA outlook, the chorus states:

And there’s a lot of people runnin’ ‘round

Not quite sure which way to go

But as for me, well, I think I finally found

It’s just easy come and easy go

The phrase “easy come and easy go” is a matter of tolerance and acceptance. I view tolerance as the act of helpfully enduring or allowing differing perspectives or behavior with which one may disagree, as a method of maintaining a state of tranquility, and often with underlying discomfort.

I conceptualize acceptance as an approach to rational living that goes further to embrace differences as they are, and without unproductively requiring that they change to fit one’s own worldview. Thus, tolerance is a method of living with, as acceptance is form of welcoming.

Admittedly, Antebellum occasionally remains a feature in my dreams. During such welcomed instances with which I can live, it’s just easy come and easy go. I greet her, she and I visit for a bit, and then we part ways until again we meet in my unconscious state. It’s quite pleasant!

Now, I invite you to consider use of UA in your life. Some people self-disturb with unaccommodating beliefs about dreams of people, places, and things which currently serve (or historically served) as a source of desire. Why not simply tolerate and accept what simply is?

Over the years, the less I’ve fought against what was – rather than rigidly demanding that things ought to have been another way – I’ve been better able to practice UA. Allow me to part this lesson with one last example of tolerance and acceptance, albeit a somewhat silly one.

In the above photo, I wore leather Eastland boat shoes with white socks. I can no sooner go back in time to correct that fashion faux pas than I could alter time and change the outcome of the relationship between Antebellum and I. Therefore, I tolerate and accept what is through ULA.

It’s just easy come and easy go, as there’s little else to do – other than needlessly disturb myself with unfavorable beliefs. So, if you’re one of the people about whom Carll sings, runnin’ ‘round, not quite sure which way to go, then I invite you to find that it’s just easy come and easy go.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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