Character May Define You, Though It Doesn’t Have to Control Your Actions

[DISCLAIMER]

“Oooh,” my late stepmom said when describing the alleged behavior of her grandson, “he reminds me of you when you were his age!” Apparently, the boy who wasn’t biologically related to me used similar actions as my stepmom recalled me using when I was a child.

For clarity, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines action as “a self-initiated sequence of movements, usually with respect to some goal. It may consist of an integrated set of component behaviors as opposed to a single response.”

“He was playin’ with some keys on a glass table,” my stepmom continued, “and you know, keys on a keyring can be heavy. And [name redacted] told him, ‘Hey, little buddy, we don’t do that. You could break the glass.” My stepmom then erupted in laughter, as I didn’t interrupt her story.

“And do you know what he told her?” my stepmom stated, “oooh, it was somethin’ you would’a said! He looked her dead in the eyes and told her, ‘I gon’ do it.’ He then raised the keys in the air while lookin’ at [name redacted], and she said, ‘No! We don’t do that!”

I could hear my stepmom crying as she laughed over the telephone when continuing, “He said, ‘Oh, I gon’ do it,’ and he slammed those keys down on the table! Honey, I thought he was gonna shatter it, but watchin’ the whole thing, I was… mystified. He acted just like you!”

My stepmom told me that she came into my life when I was three-years-old, yet I doubted the timeline, as I was that age when my parents divorced. I recall several of my dad’s girlfriends thereafter. However, I didn’t remember my stepmom being among my dad’s rebound girlfriends.

In any event, my stepmom was able to share a number of photos from the time when I was her grandson’s age, pictures which weren’t part of my biological family’s collection. Therefore, it very well may’ve been the case that she knew me before my character was fully developed.

For context, the APA defines character as “the totality of an individual’s attributes and personality traits, particularly their characteristic moral, social, and religious attitudes. Character is often used synonymously with personality.” Maybe more than anyone, my stepmom knew me.

Here, “me” refers to my character, not the various other identity qualities by which people have known me. Of note, the APA states that “average levels of personality traits changed gradually but systematically throughout the lifespan, sometimes even more after age 30 than before.”

My stepmom kept close contact with me throughout my life, until two years prior to her death in 2020. Thus, she knew me, not merely my name, race, ethnicity, nationality, sex, gender, hobbies, wishes, dreams, goals, and so forth. When thinking about this matter, a book now comes to mind.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca, who stated, “Each person acquires their own character, but their official roles are designated by chance. You should invite some to your table because they are deserving, others because they may come to deserve it” (page 328).

The characteristics reportedly exhibited by the grandson of my late stepmom were subject to many factors, such as chance (something that happens unpredictably, without discernible human intention or observable cause). About this matter, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 328):

In the hiring process, most employers look at where someone went to school, what jobs they’ve held in the past. This is because past success can be an indicator of future successes. But is it always?

There are plenty of people who were successful because of luck. Maybe they got into Oxford or Harvard because of their parents. And what about a young person who hasn’t had time to build a track record? Are they worthless? Of course not.

At the last familial social gathering to which I was invited, an event at the home of my stepmom’s grandson, I was able to observe the development of his character for myself. When his parents heard him refer to another child as a “big tootie,” his actions were reprimanded.

“I saw your grandson at the birthday party,” I told my stepmom during one of our weekly telephone conversations which followed the event, as I told her how his behavior was defiant (full of or showing a disposition to challenge, resist, or fight). She laughed quite a bit.

“Oh, I gon’ do it!’ That’s basically what he told [name redacted], which is just like you,” my stepmom responded. She continued, “Baby, since you were a kid, you’ve always been defiant.” Of course, one glaring distinction between her grandson and I was our backgrounds.

Whereas the little boy about whose actions my stepmom and I laughed was privy to relative affluence, I was brought up in relative poverty. Presumably, he would’ve had better chances of success than I. Still, it’s reasonable for one to inquire as to how I’ve accomplished success.

I know who and what I am, as I know that my character defines me. By my nature, I’m defiant. Still, I understand that my character doesn’t have to necessarily control my actions, as the APA defines control as “authority, power, or influence over events, behaviors, situations, or people.”

Irrespective of the circumstances pertaining to my upbringing, simply because I’m defiant by nature doesn’t mean that I absolutely must slam the proverbial keys down on someone else’s glass table. I control my actions. On this topic, authors of The Daily Stoic add (page 328):

This is why character is a far better measure of a man or woman. Not just for jobs, but for friendships, relationships, for everything. Heraclitus put it as a maxim: “Character is fate.”

When you seek to advance your own position in life, character is the best lever—perhaps not in the short term, but certainly over the long term. And the same goes for the people you invite into your life.

A number of elements contributed to who (i.e., character) and what (e.g., a psychotherapist) I am. As an example, when attending graduate school for counseling, an adjunct professor told me that if I lacked “empathy” I couldn’t become a counselor. “Oh, I gon’ do it,” I thought in return.

I know that character and chance play roles in the outcomes people experience. Still, I control my actions. Now, I invite you to consider the psychoeducational lesson within this blogpost. Character may define you, though it doesn’t have to control your actions, you big tootie /s.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Action. American Psychological Association. Retrieved fromhttps://dictionary.apa.org/action

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Control. American Psychological Association. Retrieved fromhttps://dictionary.apa.org/control

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2023, November 15). Character. American Psychological Association. Retrieved fromhttps://dictionary.apa.org/character

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Personality. American Psychological Association. Retrieved fromhttps://dictionary.apa.org/personality

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Personality trait. American Psychological Association. Retrieved fromhttps://dictionary.apa.org/personality-trait

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Absolutistic should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/absolutistic-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2026, February 8). Adaptive and maladaptive emotions and behavior. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/adaptive-and-maladaptive-emotions-and-behavior

Hollings, D. (2025, September 18). Are you working against your interests and goals? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/are-you-working-against-your-interests-and-goals

Hollings, D. (2026, June 17). Believability: Conflating believing with knowing – Flooding the zone. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/believability-conflating-believing-with-knowing-flooding-the-zone

Hollings, D. (2023, April 22). Control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/control

Hollings, D. (2025, October 3). Control and influence: A soft center and coated in a candy shell. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/control-and-influence-a-soft-center-and-coated-in-a-candy-shell

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2026, January 18). Cultivating character… right now. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/cultivating-character-right-now

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2025, November 23). Fortuna: Is it luck or effort? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fortuna-is-it-luck-or-effort

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2025, September 7). Have to. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/have-to

Hollings, D. (2026, June 6). High and dry: Steering a proverbial ship around unhelpful assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/high-and-dry-steering-a-proverbial-ship-around-unhelpful-assumptions

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2026, June 12). Human nature: How you live makes a difference. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/human-nature-how-you-live-makes-a-difference

Hollings, D. (2025, January 19). I felt worthless. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/i-felt-worthless

Hollings, D. (2025, May 18). Irreverent communication: Use of sarcasm, snark, and cynicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/irreverent-communication-use-of-sarcasm-snark-and-cynicism

Hollings, D. (2025, October 13). Knowledge, wisdom, understanding. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knowledge-wisdom-understanding

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason

ollings, D. (2025, September 26). Observing eye and perceiving eye. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/observing-eye-and-perceiving-eye

Hollings, D. (2022, October 22). On empathy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-empathy

Hollings, D. (2026, April 19). Outcome: Victim mentality and playing the victim. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/outcome-victim-mentality-and-playing-the-victim

Hollings, D. (2025, September 19). Power. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/power

Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2026, February 24). Skepticism: I doubt it. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/skepticism-i-doubt-it

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism

Hollings, D. (2026, April 23). The three traditionally identified components of the mind: Affect, cognition, and conation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-three-traditionally-identified-components-of-the-mind-affect-cognition-and-conation

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2024, April 17). Wishes, dreams, and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/wishes-dreams-and-goals

Srivastava, S., John, O. P., Gosling, S. D., and Potter, J. (2003, May 11). Personality is not set by 30; it can change throughout life, say researchers. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2003/05/personality

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Heraclitus. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heraclitus

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Ryan Holiday. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Holiday

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Seneca the Younger. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seneca_the_Younger