Dispute With Respect

[DISCLAIMER]

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is a psychotherapeutic model that uses two main tools to address the unpleasant experience of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves using unfavorable beliefs). Herein, I’ll discuss disputation which relates to one of these tools.

First, REBT uses a tool called the ABC model to illustrate how when an Action occurs and you maintain an irrational Belief (iB) about the event, it’s your unhelpful assumption, not the actual occurrence, that causes an unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensory, or behavioral Consequence.

In particular, there are four predominate iBs which people often use regarding self-disturbance: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness (acronym: GLAD). Noteworthy, unhelpful demands are said to function as primary appraisal mechanisms.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Both primary and secondary appraisals are iBs.

It’s also worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection (associated with iBs). Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Activating event-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C perspective, a child’s primary caregivers die (Action) and the minor is then placed in the custody of secondary caregivers (Consequence). However, after the set of secondary caregivers passes away (Action), it’s the minor’s B-C connection which relates to fear.

For example, the secondary set of caregivers dies not long after the child’s placement with them (Action). The minor then uses the iB, “Life is worthless when people close to me die [G], and I can’t stand it [L]. It’s so terrible [A] that I shouldn’t love, trust, or be close to anyone at all [D]!”

With this unaccommodating GLAD-driven philosophy of life, the child then develops a fear of closeness and abandonment which is carried forward into adulthood (Consequence). Without proper confrontation, this GLAD iB may significantly impair intimate partner relationships.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of these unproductive assumptions in order to explore an Effective new belief (rational belief, rB). Regarding Disputation, one REBT source states (page 86):

D stands for disputing harmful belief systems through examining, questioning, and challenging them. The first part of this disputation process is to locate harmful beliefs in your stream of consciousness so that you can carefully examine them. The ABC phases set the stage. In the disputation phase, you ask yourself the following six questions:

(1) Does the belief fit with reality? That is, is the belief confirmable through experiment? Is there evidence to support the belief? Is it or is it not fact based?

(2) Does the belief support the achievement of reasonable and constructive interests and goals?

(3) Does the belief help foster positive relationships?

(4) Does the belief contradict parasitic thinking? [i.e., the spread and potentially harmful influence of irrational or harmful ideas, or “idea pathogens,” within a society, much like a biological parasite]

(5) Does the belief seem reasonable and logical in the context in which it occurs?

(6) Is the belief generally detrimental or generally helpful?

These six questions provide a framework for separating realistic from harmful or dysfunctional thinking. They also promote self-observant thinking and behaving.

Noteworthy, the difference between confrontation and Disputation is that the former is a psychoanalytic term relating to a specific technique while the latter relates to REBT and serves as a method of examining whether or not a Belief best serves an individual’s interests and goals.

Still, it isn’t uncommon for the clients with whom I’ve worked to voice concern about whether or not Disputation meets the colloquial definition of what it means to be confrontational (tending to deal with situations in an aggressive way; hostile or argumentative).

To this, I argue that the actual definition of confrontational is the clashing of forces or ideas. In this regard, Disputation does relate to the examination of inharmonious Beliefs – whereby rBs face iBs faces the irrational. Concerning this view, one REBT source states (page 187):

Dispute with respect. We are not making fun of client’s erroneous or self-defeating thinking, but working to repair or modulate it. First, however, we accept and study it. IBs are there, presumably, for a good reason.

For example, one client had lost her parents at a very young age and been sent to live with her grandparents, who soon died, so that she ended up with distant relatives. Her silent conclusion, based on the data of her life, was that love, trust, or closeness was the “kiss of death.” Small wonder that she had difficulty establishing intimate adult relationships, including a therapeutic rapport.

The work of therapy consisted of respectfully understanding her early experience, as interpreted by a frightened young child, which led to her illogical core belief. Gradually she learned to reinterpret her experience, reassure herself, and trust in her ability to love and, as an adult, to tolerate the potential for loss of a love object.

Photo credit, fair use

Rather than the colloquial definition of confrontation, I apply the actual definition of the word when Disputing with respect (to consider worthy of high regard). This is the case even when I use irreverent communication with humorous panache.

The process of confronting personal philosophies of life can take longer than I care to demonstrate herein. Thus, in the interest of time, imagine that after a period of rigorous Disputation the adult who feared closeness and abandonment then used the following rB:

Life still has value, even when people close to me die. So, I can stand it when people leave – whether through death or otherwise. After all, these are merely inconvenient – not terrible – events. Therefore, it’s okay to love, trust, and be close to people.

The secondary tool of REBT, also related to rBs, is the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Healthily, the adult who feared closeness and abandonment may conclude that she has control only over her response to loss (USA), though she cannot control whether or not people leave through death or otherwise (UOA), and that all living beings will eventually die (ULA).

This is UA in practice. Ultimately, the child whose caregivers continued dying in her youth, as this individual grew up fearing attachment and desertion, could use REBT tools to un-disturb herself. Notably, Disputation (with respect) may be used for both the ABC model and UA.

For instance, if one’s iBs set in when an rB related to UA is present, one can then Dispute the iBs in a confrontational manner. As an example, “Listen, mind, all things shall pass – to include my life and everyone else’s. This includes death, breakups, and any other passing event imaginable.”

Presuming that you understand the REBT tools addressed herein, with a focus on respectful Disputation, I now invite you to consider daily practice of these techniques regarding your own life. If you have any questions concerning this material, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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