Empowerment vs. Disempowerment: Just Doing It for the Love of the Game

[DISCLAIMER]

When assigned to the Marine Security Guard (MSG) detachment (det) in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil (1999-2000), my Brasilian Portuguese tutor gave me advice which she’d plausibly have given to those about whom she cared. “Xuxu,” she said, “Stay away from piranhas!”

For context, “xuxu” (pronounced “shoo-shoo”) is a Brasilian Portuguese slang term that, in my case, was used endearingly to mean “cutie.” As for “piranhas,” the tutor wasn’t referencing fish. Rather, it’s a derogatory term for bitch, whore, prostitute, or an all-around promiscuous woman.

The tutor often confided in me about her displeasure with other MSG det Rio Marines. Specifically, the elderly woman expressed her belief that my fellow MSGs didn’t properly represent members of the diplomatic community with whom she’d previously worked.

It was no secret within the United States (U.S.) Consulate in Rio de Janeiro that I was the sole member of the det that refused use of sex worker services. As one of the most gossipy experiences since my days in high school, word traveled quickly in diplomatic communities.

Therefore, it wasn’t uncommon for Brasilians within the consulate to tell me about exploits they’d heard that other Marines had with prostitutes. Apparently, the chauffeurs assigned to the MSG det had loose lips. Still, I tried to downplay the accusations as much as I could.

In any event, I didn’t judge either the MSGs or sex workers for consensual transactions of a sensual nature. For instance, one of the popular locations at which these types of dealings occurred was at Help Discoteca (simply “Help”). About this establishment, one source states:

The Help Discoteca is South America’s largest nightclub, located in Rio de Janeiro on the famous Copacabana beach. This nightclub, open seven nights a week, carries some considerable notoriety, as its clientele consists primarily of foreign and domestic male tourists and Brazilian [women] of very limited means from the favelas.

Typically, the [women] seek to sell their company out for cash, ranging from 100 to 300 [reais] for a date. Depending on the personality of the people involved, further relationships have been known to ensue, with marriage not unknown.

At current market exchange rates, 100 to 300 Brasilian reais is roughly $19.50 to $60.00 in U.S. dollars. That’s relatively inexpensive! Aside from moral and ethical objections to engaging the services of sex workers, I didn’t want to take advantage of the impoverished women of Rio.

After all, I grew up in relative poverty and knew what it was like to have other people of greater means preying upon less fortunate individuals. Nonetheless, as I said, I didn’t judge anyone on either side of the Help transactional exchanges as good, bad, or otherwise.

Recently, when listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by Meeshy, I heard her spin the track “Hide U” by EDM group Kosheen, written by group members Sian Evans, Mark Morrison, and Darren Beale. The song was first released in 2000, and then on Resist (2001).

After having transferred from MSG det Rio to MSG det Lima, Peru (2000-2001), I visited Rio when on military leave to attend one last Brasilian Carnival. During that time, a number of Marines asked me to go with them as they attended Help.

I didn’t consume alcohol, I refrained from use of tobacco products, and I stayed away from “piranhas,” as my tutor referred to sex workers, so I had no legitimate business in Help. Nevertheless, I reluctantly agreed so that I could at least provide support to fellow MSGs.

Sitting alone in the establishment is when I first heard “Hide U”. Apparently, it had been released in Brasil sooner than in Lima, as I was fairly aware of the latest and greatest EDM tracks through having raved quite a bit in Lima. Lyrics of the song state:

If you were in my heart, I’d surely not break you

If you were beside me and my love would take you

I’d keep you in safety forever protect you

I’ll hide you away from the world you rejected

I’ll hide you [x2]

Take my hand

Show no fear

Look in my eyes

It’s perfectly clear

I love you and cover you

Ask me to tell you what I wanna do

I’ll hide you

Away from danger, danger, danger

(Hide you, hide you, hide you…)

In Help, as “Hide U” played, I met a sex worker to whom I’ll refer as “Josi.” I, using broken Brasilian Portuguese, and Josi, using inadequate English, sat and spoke for hours. During our conversation, I heard “Hide U” being played more than once. I then learned an invaluable lesson.

Now, I offer this psychoeducational teaching to you, as filtered through the structure of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). And similar to my experience when conversing with Josi in Help, this lesson is free of charge.

I spoke with the sex worker about what led to her occupational field. Since I’ve been well aware of sex trafficking from the time in my youth, I asked if Josi may be in trouble by being caught speaking with me—a non-paying draw on her time, though she laughed and told me more.

From what I could ascertain through use of limited understanding related to our communication barrier, Josi expressed that she wasn’t under the watchful eye of a pimp. “Me and my girls,” she stated while signaling to other prostitutes, “work for ourselves. No one tells us what to do!”

Josi also told me that she hailed from a small town outside of São Paulo, Brasil, as she made more money from sex work during the week of Carnival than anyone in her family made for an entire year. In that way, she was self-empowered, as one source thusly defines empowerment:

1. the promotion of the skills, knowledge, and confidence necessary to take greater control of one’s life. In psychotherapy, the process involves helping clients become more active in meeting their needs and fulfilling their desires and aims to provide them with a sense of achievement and realization of their own abilities and ambitions.

2. the delegation of increased decision-making powers to individuals or groups in a society or organization.

Whereas I ignorantly thought sex work automatically represented disempowerment (deprivation of power, authority, or influence: making weak, ineffectual, or unimportant), Josi taught me that prostitution instead served as a matter of empowerment. Allow me to further explain.

I invite you to consider that REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding Josi’s circle of control and USA, she recognized that as a fallible human being she couldn’t control socioeconomic issues in Brasil which led to wealth disparity. Yet, by controlling who she sucked and fucked for one week out of a year, Josi could provide for her entire family.

Concerning her circle of influence and UOA, Josi comprehended that she couldn’t influence every trick, simp, john, or other term used for those who procure the services of sex workers, yet she could persuade some people to pay for the time she spent with them when leaving Help.

Related to Josi’s circle of concern and ULA, she understood that socioeconomic issues which I mentioned had existed in Brasil long before her, and would likely follow her inevitable death, as she focused less on what she couldn’t do and more on what she could do in this regard.

As for Josi’s area of no concern, which encompasses matters such as whether or not a version of her in another dimension was a billionaire, Josi couldn’t possibly control or influence anything in that realm, so she could instead focus on matters in this dimension—like finessing simps.

In each of the aforementioned examples, “could” represents empowerment and “couldn’t” regards disempowerment. Notably, that which is disempowering isn’t necessarily irrational (not in accordance with both logic and reason). For instance, Josi couldn’t change other dimensions.

Although I’m not advocating the moral or ethical merits of prostitution herein, I am making a rational (in accordance with both logic and reason) case for use of empowerment versus disempowerment! At any rate, my time with Josi in Help eventually came to an end.

Each of the MSGs with whom I attended the club had gone with sex workers as lights inside of the establishment came on and the sun begun to rise outside of Help. I offered Josi a ride to the hotel in which she was staying, as a chauffeured ride was less burdensome than taxi services.

Arriving at her hotel, she invited me to share her bed. The chauffeur looked sternly at me and nodded his head, as to say, “Go!” However, I stuck to my principles and declined. “I won’t charge you,” she replied, “I want you to come up for us both. It’s free!”

Josi was ‘just doing it for the love of the game,’ as one source states, “Doing something for the love of the game’ is a common idiom and slang expression meaning that something is being done purely for the pleasure of doing it rather than for money or other benefits.”

I thanked Josi for her generous offer, declined the invite, and took her number so we could meet up on Copacabana beach the next day. I wanted to know more about her story, though there was no fucking way that I was going to exploit the person I befriended at Help that evening.

Meet up, we did. I learned more about how Josi empoweringly sought to help her family at Help, rather than disempoweringly allowing unfavorable socioeconomic conditions in Brasil to keep her from controlling and influencing what she could. All these years later, I now think of her.

Using Josi’s example, I’m now providing you with this lesson on UA through the framing of empowerment versus disempowerment – just doing it for the love of the game. You can take this free teaching and apply it to your own life, even if you live in unfavorable conditions.

After all, unlike the lyrics of “Hide U”, it isn’t as though someone will necessarily come along, keeping you in safety while forever protecting you—hiding you from the dangers of the world. Therefore, I encourage you to empoweringly take control and influence over what you can!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters. 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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