FUBAR vs. a Pragmatic, Instead of the Moralistic, Approach to Wealth

[DISCLAIMER]

When assigned to the Marine Security Guard (MSG) detachment in Lima, Peru (2000-2001), I attended a United States (U.S.) Marine Corps Birthday ball without a date. A fellow MSG, who often expressed disdain for me, took as a date someone to whom I’ll refer as “Chaparrita.”

Regarding how I met her, I stated in Non-Monogamous Desires that “there was the matter of another Marine’s date in Lima, Peru who liked me more than him, and who became my rave partner while my fellow jarhead self-disturbed with irrational beliefs about the matter.”

Chaparrita shared my affinity for electronic dance music (EDM), as I experimented more with trance music when DJing while in Lima. For example, I stated in Dancing Through the Bullshit:

If my memory serves me right, I remember seeing Sandra Collins spin at a convention center rave when I was in Lima. My friend “Chaparrita” and I went to the event and unless I’m mistaken, Darren Emerson was also spinning that night.

Chaparrita was my go-to rave buddy and we both partied sober. With the frequent bullshit I told myself about the Marines of Lima and their behavior toward me, I didn’t need to alter my mental and emotional state any further. Smelliness of my beliefs made way for negative emotion.

I experienced enough bullshit-fueled anger to provide me energy for dancing the night away. And dance, I did! I danced through the bullshit as Collins spun, while Chaparrita provided a judgement-free experience, and as my clothes became drenched in sweat.

If I recall correctly, Chaparrita and I stepped outside for fresh air not long after Collins’ set and I think I saw the DJ get into a vehicle and disappear into the night. I wondered if Sandra Collins knew how much her set meant to me in that moment.

Seeing Collins perform live, spinning tracks from her then-recently released DJ mix album Tranceport 3 (2000), I’m now reminded of a track from the anthology entitled “F.U.B.A.R.” (fucked up beyond all recognition) that was released during the same year by Thinktank.

Specifically, I recall how I believed it was FUBAR for Chaparrita to have ostensibly maintained that although I was an adequate choice for intimate partner dating and raving, I was apparently unfit for a more serious relationship. Of this, I stated in Get In Where You Fit In:

In 2000, while in Lima, Peru, I met and begun dating a woman I’ll call “Chaparrita.” Still not having found exactly where I fit in, though by no means ashamed of my black ancestry, for our first date [aside from the MSG ball], Chaparrita and I finished eating dinner at a fancy restaurant and decided to have desert at a separate establishment.

On our walk to her preferred ice creamery, Chaparrita said something that surprised me. I saw an elderly black man, in a brightly colored jumpsuit, sweeping trash with a broom.

I commented on how discouraging I thought his life may be as a black man of reduced socioeconomic status in a country that appeared to have a lower population of blacks than the U.S. To this, Chaparrita said, “It isn’t sad, it’s his place.”

I was confused and asked for clarity. Clarifying, Chaparrita explained that she considered black people to be inferior to white people—adding that although she was a Peruvian citizen she considered herself to be white—and that the black man I’d observed was simply fulfilling a role into which he was born.

Per her perspective, the man was born to serve white people. If that meant he would clean garbage in the streets, the concentration of which was likely associated with lighter-skinned individuals who cluttered the area, it was the black man’s plight to get in where he fit in.

At the time, Chaparrita didn’t know my race and so I promptly informed her. In the years prior to my assignment in Peru, I’d lost girlfriends through acknowledgment of my race and I wanted to afford Chaparrita an opportunity to end our association if she preferred to do so.

Chaparrita appeared surprised though—and to her credit—stuck by her beliefs. She wasn’t going to compromise her principles just because her biracial date existed in antagonism to her assumptions.

Even though I disagreed with her premises, I respected Chaparrita’s commitment to her values. Additionally, I came from an impoverished background while my rave partner grew up in relative wealth (abundance of valuable material possessions or resources).

Thus, not only was race an inhibiting factor for our romantic relationship, we were also divided along the lines of class (a group sharing the same economic or social status). Over a quarter of a century later, I now think of how FUBAR. I believed that relationship was, as I read a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Before ever learning of REBT, I self-disturbed with the unfavorable belief of total evaluation or appraisal—in REBT known as a global evaluation. For instance, Chaparrita ostensibly believed that black people retained less worth than white people. This was a total evaluation of race.

Similarly, I unhelpfully believed that I had less worth than wealthy people. This, too, was a total appraisal of the self. Along with the belief of global evaluation, both Chaparrita and I used what in REBT is known as demandingness—moralistically believing what ought to be.

For example, Chaparrita apparently believed that black people ought to be subjugated to white people. As well, I believed that I ought not to be placed into a category of lesser status regarding the socioeconomic status of my parents.

For context, moralistic is defined as characterized by or expressive of a concern with morality—conformity to ideals of right or wrong human conduct. As such, neither Chaparrita nor I viewed matters rationally (in accordance with both logic and reason).

Of course, people with bigoted views (e.g., racists) may disagree. Thus, I acknowledge that there’s little (if any) evidence for objective morality or objective rationality about which all people will agree. Even with this flexible declaration, some individuals will disagree.

Setting aside universal morality and rationality, Chaparrita and I could’ve considered beliefs which were pragmatic (dealing with the problems that exist in a specific situation in a reasonable and logical way instead of depending on ideas and theories: practical as opposed to idealistic).

For instance, each of us could’ve assessed people on their individual merits rather than using unjustified generalizations which were fucked up beyond all recognition. In light of this rational view, I now turn to the wisdom of ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca who stated (page 263):

The founder of the universe, who assigned to us the laws of life, provided that we should live well, but not in luxury. Everything needed for our well-being is right before us, whereas what luxury requires is gathered by many miseries and anxieties. Let us use this gift of nature and count it among the greatest things.

Long since having danced away nights in Lima with Chaparrita, I’ve let go of aspirations for wealth which may grant an opportunity to secure a committed intimate partner relationship with someone of a higher class. Now, as Seneca expressed, I live well—though not in luxury.

If my “good enough” standard of life isn’t desirable to other people, then too bad, because I like how I live (i.e., alone and within my means), and they can choose to live however they see fit. Regarding a similarly healthy outlook, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 263):

Even in his own time, Seneca was criticized for preaching Stoic virtues while accumulating one of the largest fortunes in Rome. Seneca was so rich that some historians speculate that major loans he made to the inhabitants of what is now Britain caused what became a horrifically brutal uprising there. His critics’ derisive nickname for him was “The Opulent Stoic.”

Seneca’s response to this criticism is pretty simple: he might have wealth, but he didn’t need it. He wasn’t dependent on it or addicted to it. Nor, despite his large bank account, was he considered to be anything close to Rome’s most lavish spenders and pleasure hunters. Whether his rationalization was true or not (or whether he was a tad hypocritical), his is a decent prescription for navigating today’s materialistic and wealth-driven society. This is the pragmatic instead of the moralistic approach to wealth.

I wasn’t born into wealth. I’m not currently wealthy. Nevertheless, the practice of Stoicism has afforded me a type of relative wealth that I never experienced when unproductively using FUBAR beliefs. Of this perspective, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 263):

We can still live well without becoming slaves to luxury. And we don’t need to make decisions that force us to continue to work and work and work and drift further from study and contemplation in order to get more money to pay for the things we don’t need. There is no rule that says financial success must mean that you live beyond your means. Remember: humans can be happy with very little.

Ultimately, rather than me, Chaparrita selected to pursue a white man of relative wealth toward the end of my time in Lima. They married and eventually divorced, as I learned an invaluable lesson about a pragmatic, instead of the moralistic, approach to wealth.

If someone doesn’t believe that I’m good enough due to race, income, or other characteristics, then I can still experience a good enough standard of living without that individual in my life—and so I have! Now, I invite you to contemplate this Stoic lesson so that you may also live well.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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