How I Feel (Am I Wrong)

[DISCLAIMER]

When recently listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by DJ Ellika, I heard her spin the track “How I Feel (Am I Wrong)” by Faul & Wad, Nico & Vinz, ALTÉGO, and Old Jim. Lyrics include the following:

So, am I wrong?

For thinkin’ that we could be something for real?

Now, am I wrong?

For tryna reach the things that I can’t see?

But that’s just how I feel (ooh)

That’s just how I feel (ooh)

That’s just how I feel

Tryna reach the things that I can’t see, see, see (ooh)

When listening to the tropical house music track which could easily be confused for afro house, challenges to my personal and professional practice of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) came to mind. Now, I’ll share these matters with you.

Regarding a personal challenge to REBT, I continually frame various mental, emotional, and behavioral matters in accordance with the paradigm with which I was brought up. For instance, when I make mistakes—which occur almost daily, I say that I’m wrong.

As an example, I mistakenly spilled distilled water on my nightstand earlier this morning when refilling my continuous positive airway pressure water reservoir. I then instantly thought, “I’m wrong for pouring water past the fill line!”

Regarding this mistaken framing of the matter, it was only last month that I posted a blog entry entitled Conditional Acceptance: An Ideologically Inconsistent Case in which I accurately stated that “people are not their behavior.” Thus, my action was wrong earlier, though I wasn’t wrong.

Favorably, I didn’t believe the inaccurate paradigm that popped into my mind. Noteworthy, a “thought” is an individual act or product of thinking. A “belief” is a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in a person or thing.

Whereas a thought is merely a fleeting idea, a belief is a thought that one strongly holds as true and that influences one’s perspective and behavior. Essentially, a belief is a thought that has been affirmed and integrated into one’s cognitive framework. It’s considered true, though not perfect.

Thinking that I’m wrong isn’t the same as believing that I’m wrong. Helpfully, I’ve practiced REBT long enough to understand this crucial point. Therefore, I’m able to quickly dismiss automatic thoughts regarding how I’m supposedly wrong.

If I were to teach the vocalists on “How I Feel (Am I Wrong)” about this important distinction, I’d incorporate an invaluable psychoeducational lesson into the period of instruction. Namely, I’d teach them about unconditional acceptance (UA).

For context, REBT uses UA to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

The core function of USA is comprehension of oneself as merely a fallible human being. One recommendatorily should accept oneself just because one is alive and human. This outlook supports what the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who developed REBT, stated (pages 30-31):

[W]hen you give people any kind of acceptance, they feel better, just because you’re listening to them and liking them. But they often get worse; they don’t give themselves unconditional acceptance. So we give it, but then we teach actively, directly how to specifically—and it’s very hard—to give it to yourself.

Because they’re born with a tendency to rate, measure what they do, which is good, and then rate themselves, their being, their essence. And we teach them that they do what they do, but they can always have USA, unconditional self-acceptance, not by getting it from a therapist, but by thinking it through.

Rather than rating oneself as “wrong,” I’d teach the vocalists on “How I Feel (Am I Wrong)” that although they may do wrong or believe wrong things, they aren’t wrong. This is the answer to the question “am I wrong?” Of course you aren’t! Your actions and beliefs are another matter.

Regarding a professional challenge to REBT when listening to the EDM track, another REBT tool comes to mind. This matter relates to the statement “that’s just how I feel” on “How I Feel (Am I Wrong)”.

Specifically, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

When expressing “that’s just how I feel” on “How I Feel (Am I Wrong)”, the vocalists misuse the term “feel.” On the topic of feelings, I often find it valuable to clarify what this element represents in regard to the construct of beliefs. This is because people generally misuse this term.

A “feeling” relates to either: 1. Emotion (i.e., joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, surprise, etc.) or 2. Sensation (e.g., tightened or stiffened jaw). If the word “feel” (or any derivative thereof) can be replaced with “hunch,” “thought,” or “belief” (or any derivative thereof), it’s not a feeling.

Thus, it’s improper to say something along the lines of “I feel like we could be something real,” because what one typically intends on communicating is “I believe that we could be something real.” Noteworthy, there’s a foundation for quibbling with this sort of misuse.

In REBT, unfavorable beliefs which cause unpleasant consequences are rigorously disputed. However, feelings (i.e., emotions and sensations) aren’t confronted. Thus, proper use of feelings-based language affords a person the opportunity to examine the logic and reason one uses.

Yet, if it were truly the case that one could “feel like we could be something real,” then that emotion or sensation couldn’t be challenged. Ergo, I assist people with the proper framing of their hunches, thoughts, suspicions, assumptions, and beliefs so these matters may be disputed.

This is where my mind went when listening to DJ Ellika’s set. Now that I’ve shared my perspective with you, what do you think about USA and disputing beliefs rather than feelings? Also, if you’d like to know more about REBT, then I’m here to try to help you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters. 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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