Idealistic Versus Realistic: Welcome Home

[DISCLAIMER]

In Existentialism: Meaning Versus Meaninglessness, I discussed a fellow military police (MP) patrolman from the United States Marine Corps, when assigned to Camp Kinser (1997-1999), to whom I referred as “Jugador.” He and I were fairly close when stationed in Okinawa, Japan.

Jugador and I wound up again being stationed together when I was assigned to Marine Corps Air Station Miramar (2001-2003). Unfortunately, he and I lost touch around the time when I experienced significant administrative and legal problems regarding our Miramar command.

The above photo depicts one of the last occasions during which Jugador and I socialized outside of performing our MP duties. This means that he wasn’t around to welcome me home from either of my two periods of pretrial detention in the Naval Consolidated Brig, Miramar.

Looking back, most MPs with whom I served had distanced themselves from me at around that period in time. There were notable exceptions, such as an MP to whom I’ve previously referred as “Spanky,” yet for their own reasons, MPs such as Jugador simply went in another direction.

For many years following my departure from Miramar, after I elected for voluntary appellate leave (2003-2007), I upset myself with irrational beliefs about this matter. Recently, I thought about how I ideally would’ve been treated, if events unfolded as I would’ve preferred.

For clarity, that which is idealistic is of or relating to idealism—the practice of forming ideals (existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only) or living under their influence. As an example, Jugador and I ideally would’ve remained in contact throughout the years.

Also, that which is realistic is of, relating to, or marked by literary or artistic realism—concern for fact or reality (something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily) and rejection of the impractical and visionary. As an example, Jugador and I really lost contact.

When listening to the song “Welcome”, from the album Actus Reus (2019) by lyricist Guilty Simpson and producer Dixon Hill, a story is told about a man who’s welcomed home following a period of incarceration. Specifically, Guilty Simpson states, “We take care of our own.”

Ideally, fellow MPs would’ve welcomed me home from the brig and would’ve taken care of one of their own. However, that’s not necessarily how life works. When idealism doesn’t stack up to realism, then what? I’ll now share with you the answer to this question that I eventually learned.

Noteworthy, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding my circle of control and USA, I realized that as a fallible human being who has idealistic desires—many of which don’t actually manifest into realistic outcomes—I have exceedingly limited control in life. Still, one thing I can control is my reaction to events.

Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I admitted that other people are also flawed, as they have their own idealistic wants which clash with realistic results. I may have some influence over these individuals, though I’m not entitled to any specific outcome.

Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I realistically concluded that life itself is imperfect, as well as impermanent and uncertain. As I have exceptionally limited control and influence over most matters in this existence, I can use reasoned choice about inalterable or idealistic events.

Pertaining to the area of no concern, that’s the idealistic realm in which matters imaginatively exist. In another dimension, would Jugador have taken care of one of his own? Perhaps, perhaps not. Though, why waste what little time I have in this life imagining unrealistic possibilities.

Ideally, MPs would’ve taken care of their own. Realistically, flawed people don’t have to do as anyone else desires. Thus, instead of upsetting oneself, a person can use UA to focus on what control and influence one really has. This is the psychoeducational lesson I now present to you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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