Self-Deprecation: I've Come a Long Way

[DISCLAIMER]

Earlier this morning, when conducting my daily physical training activities, I heard the song “Roaches” from the album Punken (2018) by groovy Houston lyricist Maxo Kream. At the end of the track, a woman believed to be Maxo’s mom states:

Punken, pull your pants up, boy

But you know what?

Punken, I’m so proud of you

You came a long way

Keep it up with your music

You doin’ good, keep doin’ you

The vocal tone and inflection of the woman at the end of “Roaches” reminded me of someone to whom I was relatively close when living in Aurora, Colorado from half of fifth to half of seventh grade, and then again for approximately six months following my high school graduation in ’95.

The above photo was taken in 2010, as I visited my paternal great-aunt Naomi (“aunt Ni”) in Colorado during a break from graduate school studies for counseling. Featured beside fat Deric, aunt Ni told me that she loved and was proud of me. It was the last time that we saw one another.

She’s now dead. It was also at that stage in my life that I focused my academic studies on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). However, I clearly wasn’t practicing self-care at the time. I was so overweight that I could become short of breath when walking a straight plain!

Perhaps you confuse my forthright self-critique with what the American Psychological Association defines as self-derogation, “the tendency to disparage oneself, often unrealistically. It frequently is associated with a major depressive episode.” I’m not intentionally using this term.

For context, “disparage” is defined as to speak slightingly about (someone or something): to belittle the importance or value of (someone or something). This term is closely related to self-deprecation, about which one source states:

Self-deprecation is the act of reprimanding oneself by belittling, undervaluing, disparaging oneself, or being excessively modest. It can be used as a way to make complaints, express modesty, invoke optimal reactions or add humor. It may also be used as a way for individuals to appear more likable and agreeable.

Self-deprecation was recommended by philosophers of Stoicism as a response to insults. Instead of getting defensive, people should join in by insulting themselves even more. According to the Stoics, this will remove the sting from the insult.

It will also disappoint the interlocutor because the person failed to show upset in response to words that were supposed to hurt them, thereby reducing the chance that they will try to upset the person like that again. People prefer self-criticism over being criticized by others.

However, researchers believe it can have an overall negative effect on users. It can result in them feeling that they don’t deserve praise and undermining their own authority.

In consideration of this context, I stand by my Stoic use of the term “fat Deric.” Factually speaking, I was obsese! Moreover, I remained Fatty Bombbatty even after graduating! To provide empirical evidence for this claim, I stated in a blogpost entitled Unhealthy Assistance:

At that time, my VA [Department of Veterans Affairs] provider was a straightforward physician who was also a retired U.S. Army officer. She wrote in my VA file:

Patient continues to be obese. He has gained quite a bit of weight. He is fairly frustrated with the weight gain. I spent the bulk of visit talking to him about his weight.

Some of his weight gain can be explained by his psychiatric medications, but the rest of it is that he is just not eating right and he is not exercising.

I did explain to him today that unless he started to exercise and watch his diet, he would continue and continued to gain weight [sic], and I did advise him that not all of his weight gain just can just be blamed on his psychiatric medications.

Despite having studied, understood, and believed in REBT for two years when in grad school, I neglected practice of this helpful modality. In specific, I abandoned the teaching of the late psychologist who developed REBT, Albert Ellis, who stated (page 31):

We are born and reared to be highly suggestible. And we often have difficulty looking at what we call reality, accepting many of its grim aspects, and taking responsibility for many of the bad things that happen to us. We prefer to blame other people and events for these happenings; and although we are partly right about this, we are also often self-deluded.

I was partially correct in maintaining that with use of psychiatric medications, weight gain is often a known iatrogenic side effect—an adverse outcome from medical care. Nevertheless, my medications didn’t force me to overeat. I did that on my own. As such, I was quite unhealthy.

When visiting aunt Ni, I was a fat-ass! That’s a fact. All the same, as was stated to Maxo on “Roaches” by a woman with a voice similar to aunt Ni’s, “You came a long way.” In the above photo, I was Deric Hoggings, as children called me in my youth. Now, I’ve come a long way!

I’m proud of the fact that my blood type was once sucrose /s, and that this is no longer the case. Regarding self-deprecation that I’ve continually used in this blogpost, one REBT source states:

Now let me learn from my failed performance, and address the real disadvantages or consequences of my failed performance with disappointment and concern, both constructive feelings about my failed performance.

This attitude will enable me to more effectively address the negative consequences of my failed performance without the self-depreciation and the self-defeating emotional misery it produces.

Respectfully, I disagree with the inference that all self-deprecation produces misery. Still, I suggest this as I actively practice REBT. Thus, I partially concur with the gist of aforementioned REBT source, as well as fully agreeing with the following REBT source (pages 89-90):

Clients who say they can’t change usually start with the underlying proposition, “I must have the ability to change quickly and easily, and I’m incompetent and pretty worthless if I don’t do what I must.”

REBT disputes this musturbatory, absolutistic thinking by showing these clients that they never have to change quickly and easily—although that would be highly desirable—and that they are people who act incompetently, rather than that they are incompetent people. Also, REBT holds that when clients tell themselves that they can’t possibly change, they are frequently resorting to low frustration tolerance.

Thus, they insist to themselves, “I must easily and quickly change, and I find that I am actually having a hard time doing so. Therefore, it is not only hard, but too hard for me to change, and it shouldn’t be so hard!”

Clients who contend that they cannot change frequently have both self-deprecation and low frustration tolerance at the foundation of their negative insistences. They think that they absolutely must change in order to be worthwhile individuals, and that they absolutely must change without too much trouble.

If you help them to unconditionally accept themselves [i.e., unconditional self-acceptance; USA] whether or not they change, and to have high frustration tolerance despite the difficulty of changing, then these two basic irrational blocks to improving may be eroded.

Moreover, clients’ strong view that they cannot change may be a cop-out that gets them off the hook of working hard to change. It is desirable to help them become aware that their view that they can’t change is often a rationalization for not cooperating with their therapy, for not doing their homework, and for not solidly approaching the real difficulties of changing.

I’ve come a long way since I maintained the physical frame of Jabba the Hutt in the photo above. The method I used to arrive at my current level of physiological and psychological fitness was accurately outlined by the aforementioned REBT source. I actively practice REBT!

Thus, I faced the “real difficulties of changing” and got my lard-ass in gear! Rather than using a global evaluation about myself (e.g., I’m a worthless fat-ass) and its use of self-downing (e.g., as long as I’m overweight, I’m nothing), I unconditionally accepted myself as a fallible human.

Is it true that I was fat? Yes. I’ve provided evidence from my physician that verifies this fact. Did I still retain value as a human? Of course. Even though I was like Fatty McGee, I still had self-worth. As a matter of subjective humor, I used self-deprecation to motivate action for change.

Understandably, not everyone will appreciate or desire to use this sort of humor. If you don’t like it, then don’t use it. It’s that simple. Personally, I find purpose and meaning in living in accord with what one source on Stoicism has to say in this regard:

In our daily lives, we often encounter criticism or negative remarks. Instead of getting defensive or retaliating, using self-deprecating humor shows that you are secure enough in yourself to laugh along. This not only diffuses tension but also demonstrates emotional resilience and self-awareness.

A number of my clients occasionally use self-deprecating humor when self-motivating to action concerning their interests and goals. Worth noting, only in very rare instances will I use this sort of humor toward a client—and generally with their consent. Mainly, I use it regarding myself.

Regarding clients, if they self-deprecate in a genuinely non-humorous way, then I have a method of addressing this unhealthy behavior. In particular, I stated in a blogpost entitled Self-Deprecation:

According to page 135 of The REBT Therapist’s Pocket Companion, REBT practitioners are invited to use the client’s words of self-deprecation when disputing these irrational beliefs. Use of one’s personal terms may be more meaningful to a client, as exemplified as follows:

Client: I’m pathetic! I mean, no one else in my life seems to struggle half as much as I do. So what am I missing? What do they know that I don’t? I’ll tell you what, I’m pathetic. That’s it!

Suppose I were to reframe the client’s expression in my own terms:

Me: You’re telling me that your existence is woeful, because you seem to miss something that other people apparently grasp – some hidden source of knowledge of which you aren’t aware. It may seem like you’re inadequate, though I’m wondering if that’s a factual assessment.

There isn’t anything inherently wrong with my reply. Nevertheless, it doesn’t adequately captivate the inferred meaning of the client’s expression. Therefore, I haven’t effectively reflected the self-deprecating sentiment. Now, consider an alternative reply:

Me: You believe you’re pathetic? Maybe you are! After all, you’ve made the case that other people don’t struggle nearly as much as you. Maybe you are – to the very core of your being – a pathetic person.

This response may surprise some people, because it appears to endorse self-deprecation. What competent mental, emotional, and behavioral health care provider would dare to reinforce a client’s undervaluation in such a manner?

Whereas my initial response reflects a slight reframe while assessing the empirical nature of the client’s expression, the latter response uses the elegant solution by going along with what a person proposes. I use the client’s words to connect and then rely on paradox to begin disputing.

How this technique works is by validating the irrationality of a person’s beliefs and then introducing [USA] to determine whether or not a client can tolerate and accept the proposed expression. Does this approach seem counterintuitive?

Essentially, I’m saying, “Okay, so you’re a worthless, low-down, no good, fallible human being. Can you practice USA to accept your own imperfect nature?” I enjoy practicing this technique.

If you’re interested in self-deprecation, then this helpful tool for motivation may help you. Bear in mind that this is accomplished by also practicing the REBT technique of USA. Worth stating, the tools we use less are useless. Thus, self-deprecation and USA are used together!

If you aren’t self-accepting and you use rigid conditions—irrespective of your behavior, appearance, etc.—then I don’t endorse self-deprecation. This technique helped me to come a long way. If only the late aunt Ni could see me now. (I unconditionally accept that she can’t.)

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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Hollings, D. (2024, May 8). Resilience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/resilience

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