What Do You Own?

[DISCLAIMER]

When involved in the last intimate partner relationship that I care to entertain, the woman to whom I referred as “my girlfriend” (“Marisela”) taught me a lesson on ownership (the state, relation, or fact of being an owner—a person who owns [to have or hold as property] something).

“I don’t belong to you,” Marisela frankly told me. “Suppose we one day marry,” I retorted, “would you then be my wife, my partner, or not mine at all?” Marisela responded, “We’d be partners, though without the ownership aspect.”

Ever the habitual line-stepper, I played electronic dance music (EDM) duo Disclosure’s song “Latch” (2012), featuring vocals by Sam Smith. The lyrics include, “If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down,” and, “Got you shackled in my embrace, I’m latching on to you!”

“I hate that song,” Marisela replied. Not one to give up so easily, I also played the song “Ho Hey” (2012) by The Lumineers. The lyrics include, “I belong with you. You belong with me. You’re my sweetheart!” Marisela wasn’t amused by my juvenile actions.

After all, as we underwent social work graduate studies together, we received indoctrination in feminist theory. Marisela and I learned that the so-called patriarchy (an alleged sociopolitical an economic system created by men, for men, and to the detriment of women) endorsed ownership.

Thus, I didn’t own Marisela, so she wasn’t “my girlfriend.” Apparently, suggesting otherwise was a matter of disempowerment. For many reasons which I won’t litigate herein, the romantic relationship ultimately failed. When that occurred, I took personal ownership for my reaction.

When practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I use personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). For improved understanding, responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible, such as a moral, legal, or mental accountability.

Here, “responsible” is defined as liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent, and being able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations—something, such as the demands of conscience or custom, that obligates one to a course of action.

Also, “accountable” is defined as subject to giving an account—a statement explaining one’s conduct. Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable, especially regarding an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.

When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, a psychotherapeutic modality which arguably requires that one preferably should take personal ownership in order to reduce self-distress or self-disturbance, I lean heavily on both responsibility and accountability.

This is because I maintain that people have personal agency (a person’s ability to control one’s own reactions to activating events which are beyond one’s own dominion, especially when one’s response is limited by someone or something else). This is a matter of self-empowerment.

As REBT is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Epictetus stated, “Anything that can be prevented, taken away, or coerced is not a person’s own—but those things that can’t be blocked are their own,” as the authors add, “Marcus Aurelius used to say that we don’t own anything and that even our lives are held in trust” (page 366).

I fundamentally disagree with the notion that my life isn’t my own—as I and I alone own my existence. Alternatively, I never owned Marisela’s life. Her existence was hers and hers alone. In consideration of ownership, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 366):

We may claw and fight and work to own things, but those things can be taken away in a second. The same goes for other things we like to think are “ours” but are equally precarious: our status, our physical health or strength, our relationships.

How can these really be ours if something other than us—fate, bad luck, death, and so on—can dispossess us of them without notice? So what do we own? Just our lives—and not for long.

The authors and I ostensibly share a similar view regarding ownership of one’s own life, even if “not for long.” Now, I invite you to consider the lesson imparted to me by Marisela. Even if you reject feminist rhetoric, as I do, are you willing to contemplate the question: What do you own?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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