Willfully Stuck: I'm Stuck in My Ways

[DISCLAIMER]

On his album Wednesday After Next (2019), rapper Chris Webby featured the song “Stuck in My Ways” in which he states, “While these minutes on the clock tickin’, either learn to love me as the man I am, or don’t, but I’m not switching,” and he continues on a chorus by admitting:

I’m stuck in my ways, stuck in my ways

They saying that I gotta grow up, and to start acting my age

I ain’t saying I’ma never change

But some things’ll always be the same

I’m stuck in my ways

Ooh, and I don’t know what I’ma do

But try to carry on through

And If I ever gotta change, then it won’t be for you

‘Cause I’m stuck in my ways, but it’s okay

I’m stuck in my ways

While using Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I imagine that if I were to work with a client who expressed a similar proposition, then I’d commend the individual on effective practice of unconditional acceptance (UA)—specifically, unconditional self-acceptance.

“Wonderful,” I may say, “As a self-determined and autonomous individual, you’ve made a decision that I hope is in alignment with your interests and goals to apparently change nothing about yourself, your beliefs, or your behavior! Now, what more can I do for you?”

I’ve gladly parted ways with clients who are willfully (in a willful—obstinately and often perversely self-willed—manner) stuck (to bring to a halt: prevent the movement or action of). I’m not in the business of treating or managing any problems which apparently don’t exist.

For the sake of argument, suppose that a client is willfully stuck while simultaneously refusing to use the REBT technique of UA. This imaginary client claims to want my help, though also doesn’t want to do the work necessary to change. Of this matter, one source aptly states:

In the complex, modern world we live in, most people’s life paths are non-linear. They take many twists and turns, often unexpectedly, and come to a crossroads. Many take the easy path leading to comfort instead of the one that bends toward growth and evolution.

There is, however, a paradox: If we keep following the easy path and don’t confront the real obstacles facing us, those external obstacles will become an inner voice nagging us to face them head-on. This will manifest as feeling stuck, because even though we are following one path, our intuition is screaming that we need to choose the one we are avoiding.

The question then arises: How does one get unstuck when one is at a crossroads, facing major life decisions?

I try to help people get unstuck—even those individuals who do practice UA regarding their own fallibility while also not accepting their maladaptive emotions and behavior—by using another major REBT technique which is a countermeasure to being stuck in one’s own ways.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, driving an average consumer vehicle in the mud (Action) may result in getting stuck (Consequence). Yet, healthy distress (e.g., frustration) and unhealthy disturbance (e.g., rage) which correlate with this A-C experience are actually caused by a B-C connection.

For example, your car becomes stuck in the mud (Action), you unhelpfully Believe, “Life is worthless [G], because I can’t take it when getting stuck [L], as it’s dreadful [A], so I should just fucking give up at even trying anymore [D],” and you then become distraught (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Unfavorably, many people repeatedly make themselves distraught when facing obstacles in life. Alternatively, REBT is precisely the psychotherapeutic modality to address willful stuckness of this sort! For instance, one REBT source states (page 219):

[REBT] encourages you to experiment with new ways of tackling problems, and thereby gives you new ‘coping’ skills. Research has shown us that the difficulties many people experience arise from their using old and ineffective ways of doing things.

Often, even when we know things are not going well, it is difficult to change old habits. It is a bit like ‘being stuck’ and not being able to move forward. What is important for you to know is that things can change, and perhaps just as important, that things can change because of your efforts.

While UA is a helpful method of accepting—without unhelpful conditions—matters regarding oneself, others, and life in general, the ABC model is an active-directive method of getting unstuck and developing resilience. Of the latter quality, one REBT source states (page 132):

If resilience is marked neither by an absence of emotion nor by positive emotion, it follows that it is marked by negative emotion. Put simply, since resilience occurs in the context of adversity, it is healthy or adaptive to feel bad when bad things happen to you.

However, and this is a key point, since resilience depends on a person being flexible and fluid when he is responding resiliently to an adversity he is not therefore stuck in his negative feelings. They do not immobilise him.

Indeed, they tend to motivate the person to change what he realistically can change and adjust constructively to what he cannot change. It follows from this that the person only needs to target negative emotions for change when they prevent him from taking constructive action or from making a constructive adjustment.

If you’re willfully stuck in negative emotion—remaining stuck in your ways, then I hope your ineffective strategy to life works out as well as you hope. However, if you want to get unstuck and develop resilience, then I invite you to practice both the ABC model and UA. 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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