Becoming "Must Win Losers": Take the L

[DISCLAIMER]

When recently listening to the song “Slick Talk” by lyricist JID, from his album DiCaprio 2 (2018), I paid close attention as he stated, “Pissed off, I done took my fifth loss this week. Big dog, I can scratch that shit off like fleas.” I then thought of a psychoeducational lesson.

Before I proceed, a couple points of context may be useful. First, being “pissed off” means that one is angry, enraged, or irritated. Second, in hip hop, the phrase “take the L” relates to sustaining a loss (the act or fact of being unable to keep or maintain something or someone).

In “Slick Talk”, JID addressed being angry after having taken an L on five separate occasions in one week. That’s a lot! Nonetheless, he then expressed tolerance and acceptance in this regard, as his experience prompted the current lesson on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

For instance, from an A-C perspective, suppose that JID invested money into an aggressive stock portfolio (Action), though the legal wager resulted in a loss of his investment (Consequence). In the physical world, risky investments regarding the stock market may result in one taking an L.

Alternatively, from a B-C view, if JID lost his investment (Action) and Believed, “Trying to improve my life if worthless [G], and I’m sick of taking Ls [L]! It’s awful that I lost so much money [A], because I shouldn’t have [D],” he would then likely become angry (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

The important takeaway regarding this ABC model example is that taking an L (Action) doesn’t cause anger, enragement, irritation, etc. (Consequence). Instead, it’s what one Believes that brings about this outcome. Take for instance what one REBT source has to say (pages 43-44):

Well-functioning people are not threatened a great deal by losing a game or even an argument. They either chalk it up to experience or just ignore the defeats and move confidently onward.

Weak and insecure people must [D] win—or so they tell themselves. It doesn’t matter whether they are arguing about politics, religion or playing a game of checkers. They become overwhelmed at the hint of defeat [Consequence], and at the same time they are never secure with their victories because there is always another challenger ahead. After all, everyone guns for the fast gunner.

They are masters at “self-talk” (lay people frequently call this “talking to yourself”). They say to themselves, “I must win or I’ll become a laughingstock [D]. People will think I am a pushover [G]. They’ll see how weak and inept I am [G].” People who talk to themselves like this always have to be winners, and, since that is impossible, they live in constant fear and always carry instant anxiety on their overloaded shoulders [Consequence]. They are consistent losers—even when they win—thus they are “Must Win Losers.”

This problem willingly lends itself to marriage relationships and to parent-child relations. It is used in employee and employer relationships, teacher-student relationships and in any situation involving people. Anytime two people are involved in interpersonal relationships, insistence by either one that he or she must win will assure both of them of losing. That is a problem produced by “Must Win Losers.”

You can become a “Must Win Loser” by repeating to yourself the inner dialogue stated above. It may take two or three hours, but practice can make you imperfect when you genuinely put yourself into it. Self-discipline is essential to good PROBLEM-PRODUCTION.

Becoming “Must Win Losers” isn’t a necessary component of life, especially regarding rational living. In “Slick Talk”, JID appears to have understood this lesson, as he said, “Big dog, I can scratch that shit off like fleas.” This brings to mind a second major technique of REBT.

Specifically, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

In “Slick Talk”, it’s as though JID took five Ls and realized that he had control over his reaction (USA). As well, he may not have been able to influence other people regarding this matter (UOA), and he apparently realized that Ls occur in an imperfect existence (ULA).

Therefore, rather than being “pissed off,” JID concluded, “I can scratch that shit off like fleas.” Now, that’s a lesson in tolerance and acceptance from which you may benefit! Additionally, if you’d like more information on REBT, then I’m here to offer assistance.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Freepik, fair use

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