Qué Será, Será: Whatever Will Be, Will Be

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Photo credit (edited), property of Philips, fair use

Within my blog, I often reference my late mother. Despite her flaws, of which there were many – though perhaps no more so than my own, she wasn’t a good or bad person. She was merely a fallible human being, as am I. Therefore, any interpretation I have of her behavior is subjective.

One act which was personally favorable regards how my mom used to sing when cleaning our home, holding me close, or whenever her preferred song was playing. A woman of her time, there were two oldies which my mom often sang. I still have fond memories of both.

The first was “Roses Are Red (My Love)” (1962) by Bobby Vinton. On the chorus, Vinton sang, “Roses are red, my love. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, my love, but not as sweet as you.” I enjoyed how my mom would touch my nose with her index finger when singing that last line.

The second song my mom often sang, particularly when expressing tolerance and acceptance, was “Qué Será, Será (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)”. Regarding this track, one source states:

“Qué Será, Será (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)” is a song written by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans and first published in 1955. Doris Day introduced it in the Alfred Hitchcock film The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956), singing it as a cue to their onscreen kidnapped son.

The three verses of the song progress through the life of the narrator—from childhood, through young adulthood and falling in love, to parenthood—and each asks “What will I be?” or “What lies ahead?” The chorus repeats the answer: “What will be, will be.”

On the chorus, Day sang, “Qué será, será. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Qué será, será. What will be, will be.” This represents a tautology (a redundant statement in literature and rhetoric, or in formal logic, a statement that is true in every possible interpretation).

Stating “Qué será, será” and “Whatever will be, will be” is the tautological equivalent of saying “It is what it is.” For example, my mother spent more time assaulting and battering me than she did expressing love for me. Qué será, será. Whatever will be, will be. I can’t change the past.

This relates to tolerance and acceptance. Noteworthy, the American Psychological Association defines tolerance as “permissible or allowable deviation from a specified value or standard” and defines acceptance as “a favorable attitude toward an idea, situation, person, or group.”

The irony (incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result) isn’t lost on me about tolerance and acceptance being taught to me by a woman who was infrequently tolerant and accepting. Now, I consider this matter when reading a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote Stoic philosopher and ancient Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who stated, “If you’ve seen the present, you’ve seen all things, from time immemorial into all of eternity. For everything that happens is related and the same” (page 351). This perspective is one that I share.

Aurelius’ worldview is something that I learned after my mom abandoned me in a children’s home during my seventh grade year. Essentially, whatever has happened will be. It is what it is. Expanding upon this concept, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 351):

The events that will transpire today are the same as the things that have always occurred. People living and dying, animals living and dying, clouds rolling in and rolling out, air sucked in and sucked out, as it has for aeons. This moment right now, to paraphrase Emerson, is a quotation of the moments that have come before and will come ever after.

It isn’t difficult to lose sight of this point of view when matters of life serve as a distraction about how life actually functions. For instance, I eventually learned to use a technique of REBT that afforded me an opportunity to practice tolerance and acceptance concerning my mom’s actions.

Specifically, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding my circle of control and USA, I recognize that I’m a fallible human being who hasn’t, doesn’t, and won’t behave(d) in a manner which is perfect. Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I acknowledge that the same was true of my late mom when she was alive.

Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I admit that anything that was done in the past is now inalterable. As for my area of no concern, a realm comprised by imagination, I have enough matters in this life which require my attention than to concern myself with potentially other lives.

Ergo, I rationally and tautologically say to myself about how I was mostly treated unfavorably by my mom, “Qué será, será. Whatever will be, will be.” Regarding a similar perspective, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 351):

This idea is expressed nowhere more beautifully than in the Christianity hymn Gloria Patri. “As it was in the beginning, and now, and always, and to the ages of ages.” This thought is not supposed to be depressing or uplifting.

It’s just a fact. However, it can have a calming, centering effect. No need to get excited, no need to wait on pins and needles. If you haven’t seen this before, someone else has. That can be a relief.

Qué será, será. Whatever will be, will be. I envision both Doris Day’s melodic voice and the singing of my mom when conceptualizing the lesson outlined by the authors. This is how life actually functions. Likewise, I invite you to practice UA to tolerate and accept life as it truly is. 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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